Signs

I heard a comedian the other day that made me laugh. He talked about the gay marriage question. "I don't understand all the hubbub about gay marriage. My motto is 'Live and let live.' I mean, if a gay guy wants to marry a gay girl, why should I interfere? Who knows? Maybe they'll cancel each other out and have a heterosexual kid who has an eye for fashion!" He made me think about other funny things in life.

My childhood was a product of the 60's, but I didn't grow up with the "Question Authority" mantra of that era. Instead, I grew up with the "Obey Authority" advice, and I carry it through to today. You can imagine, then, how sometimes signs can cause me problems.

I was driving out of a parking lot one day and saw a sign that said "No right turn." My first thought was "That's unenforceable." Why? Well, how would an officer know? How could a police officer know what way was the right way for me to go? I tested my theory. The right way for me to go from that parking lot was left. I waited until there was a police car nearby and turned left. No ticket. See? I turned the right way even though the sign told me I wasn't allowed to and there were no negative repercussions. They shouldn't make rules they can't enforce.

The other day I walked to an intersection that I often pass through and noticed a sign on the corner: "No pedestrian crossing." Now, I have a strange way with words sometimes. My mother says it's a sign of intelligence. My kids say I'm just twisted. You can decide for yourselves. I thought, "'Pedestrian' -- lacking imagination, commonplace, ordinary." So I went across doing cartwheels. Of course, the officer writing the ticket explained to me that it actually meant "a person traveling on foot." Next time I'm going to try it on horseback.

Last week I was walking along a section of roadwork where there was a row of those traffic barriers. I noticed a sign on the back of each one. It read, "Do not steal. It is illegal to steal this barrier." What genius! I need to find out where to get signs like that! Imagine a burglar breaking into my home and picking up the television to steal it only to find a sign that warns him that he can't steal it because it's illegal. He'll put it back, frustrated. Sure, he's a thief, but that doesn't mean he is going to break the law, right?

Of course, that's nonsense. And it's no wonder. We even have the authorities breaking the law. I have seen several street light poles here with signs posted on them that say, "Do not post signs here." Now, wait! If they can, why can't I? I want to put my own sign there that says, "Okay, I won't." I don't suppose they'd be amused.

My obedience to authority, however, prevents me from doing that kind of thing. It leaves me confused when the sign on the door of the toilet stall says "Do not put anything but toilet paper in the toilet." That kind of defeats the purpose of a toilet, doesn't it? It leaves me baffled when I see a sign that says "Observe all signs." How am I even going to know where to find them all? And how am I going to get inside a building when one of the doors says "No entry"? Sure, there is another door next to it, but that one isn't marked. Am I supposed to assume something there?

It's difficult, sometimes, being me.