If you look through the pages of the U.S. Constitution and its Amendments, there are some things in there that are not, things you were pretty sure were but, as it turns out, really aren't. One of the most obvious is the "right to privacy." It's not in there. It may be implied. Your right against illegal search and seizure, for instance, might hinge on some aspect of a right to privacy, but, in fact, the right to privacy is not in our Constitution.
One that is currently coming up more often in the news these days is parental rights. In the same way that pro-abortion folks have believed that abortion is a constitutional right, we seem to have believed all along that we have parental rights to direct the upbringing and education of our children. So when schools and doctors, for instance, start encouraging our children to change genders and hide it from their parents, we are miffed. (Is that an understatement?) We are outraged at the violation of our constitutional, parental rights. And, as it turns out, they're not in there. You can be prosecuted for failing to execute your parental responsibilities, but you have no legally protected rights in that regard. We believe that parents should be allowed to raise their children, for instance, in biblical teaching, protected by our rights as parents. It's not in there. Some states have those rights in their laws, but they're not protected by the federal laws. So today, 21 states have policies that require teachers to assign new names and pronouns to students who identify as "trans" without notifying or getting the consent of parents. Because your so-called "parental rights" are not protected by our Constitution. What are we to do?
Be the Parent
Let's face it; being a parent is work. Hard work. Continuous and lifelong work. Most parents think the hard work is that early "no sleep" phase. Would that it were so easy. After that it only gets harder. Fathers are told, "Do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord" (Eph 6:4). It is the duty of all parents to discipline and instruct their kids in the Lord. Wait ... let me look again. We all seemed to think it is the duty of all parents to be their kids' best buddies. Hmm. Not in there. Imagine that. Children will have friends throughout their lives, but parents are much more rare ... and much more necessary. God has assigned you parents to be ... parents. So we parents need to teach and train and guard our kids while they're young and do the same, in modified fashion perhaps, for life. Because we live in a world hostile to God and we are their first line of defense.
Guard their Influences
The psalmist wrote, "Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers ..." (Psa 1:1). Solomon wrote, "Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm" (Prov 13:20). Paul assured the Corinthians, "Do not be deceived: 'Bad company ruins good morals'" (1 Cor 15:33) So what do we do? "Well, we don't want to interfere in our childrens' lives too much. We don't want to come across as too harsh. Let's let them choose their own friends." Or, let's put it another way. "Since Satan is the 'god of this world' (2 Cor 4:4), let's let his people be our kids' primary influence."
Not only are their peers a primary influence; so are their teachers (which makes it odd that so many parents opt out of teaching their own kids). We elected to let schools teach our kids "information" and churches teach our kids "religion" and ... well ... at least that's off our plates. As public schools have become more inculcated with anti-Christian teaching and principles, it becomes clearer that public school teachers, while certainly not all bad, are not all safe. Safe in the sense of not contravening your influence, not teaching your kids that you're wrong, not turning your kids against you and your God. And churches are certainly (hopefully) better, but how many are actually teaching kids rather than entertaining them? How many are pushing your kids to dig deeper into God's Word? How many are challenging your kids to love God? From what I've seen over the last 30 years or so, that is declining, but most parents aren't paying attention.
Be the Parent
("Didn't he just say that?" Yes, I did, but ...) There is more. What your kids need more than anything is a united mother and father so dedicated to their relationship with God that they emulate Christ's relationship with the Church in their marriage in front of their kids and live dedicated to Him, to each other, and to their children. Our world tells us that's confused. Our world tells us, "You need 'Me time.' Your kids' needs are not nearly as important as your own." So we pursue our own relief and hand the kids off to "responsible adults" -- school teachers, church youth groups, etc. -- and the gaggle of unbelievers that must necessarily form a large part of the kids' friends, and are baffled when we see too much of the world in our children. We minimize our own influence and can't figure out why 1) we find our own influence minimized and 2) why we didn't see these things coming. "My child would never do that." What makes you think you would know? Are you close enough to see? And our world has warned us against godly discipline, and we're not doing it. It's not because the Scriptures are unclear (e.g., Prov 23:13-14; Heb 12:7-8; etc.) It's because we aren't being the parents we are supposed to be.
Satan has a plan. He has a plan for our children: divide and conquer. Cut them out of the "flock" where the flock is parents and other godly influences and then bring them down. Modern parents buy it. Even Christian parents. We neglect our responsibilities as parents and focus instead on our own felt needs and can't figure out where we went wrong. We seek to be our kids' pals and not their parents -- "Too authoritarian" -- and find our influencing waning quickly, even in small children. Most importantly, we forget that we are commanded to love and teach our children and we are empowered by God to do it. I would argue that Satan is executing his plan very well. I would suggest that executing God's plan for parents and their kids with extreme prejudice might be important right now. The goal of our instruction is love (1 Tim 1:5). Ignoring God's plan for our kids with us as their responsible parents is not love.
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 21, 2022
Thursday, August 26, 2021
In the Way He Should Go
I'm sure most of you caught the reference from the title.
The question isn't really that hard. Scripture offers two ways: the way of wisdom and life, and the way of folly and death. There you go. Clear as day. You're welcome. Enjoy your parenting.
Of course, that's not sufficient, is it? And certainly the Bible offers more insight than that. Solomon spent several chapters in specific training for his son. The first nine chapters of Proverbs revolve around a father (Solomon) instructing his son about important matters in life. He begins with "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction." (Prov 1:7). A good and necessary start. From there he will tackle the avoidance of sin (Prov 1:10), the importance of wisdom (Prov 1:20-2:22) (actually, over and over), trusting God (Prov 3:5), avoiding sexual sin (Prov 5:1-12), sundry practical points (Prov 6), again the avoiding of sexual sin (Prov 6:20-7:27) (one might be tempted to think that Solomon found this a particularly besetting sin), the blessings of wisdom (Prov 8), and the dangers of folly (Prov 9:13-18). A good framework. There is a repeated effort to draw sharp lines between the consequences of sin versus the value of godliness (e.g., Prov 11:5; 14:2; 16:7; 22:5). But the prevailing wind here, the primary aim, is wisdom.
If a parent intends to love their child and follow the command -- train up a child in the way he should go -- the primary thrust must be wisdom. That, of course, has its root in one place. "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight." (Prov 9:10; Prov 1:7; Job 28:28; Psa 111:10). Viewing God with genuine fear which includes reverence and awe (which includes dread) is the starting point of biblical wisdom. Where does that begin? For us humans, it begins with God -- His revelation (Psa 19:1-6), His explanation (Rom 1:19-20), His Word (Psa 19:7-14).
Parents, if there is one thing you must do to bring up your children in the way they should go, it is to fully and completely submerge them in God's Word. It must be read, memorized, taught, explained, lived (Deut 6:4-9). It should be the air they breathe, the food they eat, the clothing they wear, their nourishment and exercise. Of course, if you recognize that, then you will also see that you will need to do the same. In order to teach them, you will have to show them. But if a parent loves their child, these kinds of things are the things they do out of love to provide the best for their children.
Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. (Prov 22:6)The verse has a couple of ... hiccups, little difficulties to consider. First, is this a firm promise from God? No, absolutely not. To think that is a failure to understand the nature of a proverb. Proverbs are truisms, generally true. Not all children who go astray do so because their parents failed to bring them up as they should, and not all children who are properly brought up remain that way. Second, there is a dispute about the translation of "should." The word, in fact, doesn't occur in the text. The Hebrew is literally translated, "Initiate the child at the mouth of his path." We can draw "mouth" out to mean "beginning" or "opening." So it can read, "Train a child in his way." Some understand that to mean we should teach them in ways that suit them. Others argue that it is not "should," but "would" -- his natural course. If you let a child go the way he naturally will go, he won't depart from it when he's old ... and that's bad. So there is that. But let's go with the more traditional "should." Understanding that this is an instruction and not a promise, we need to proceed to do it ... and ask, "What is the way he should go?" Because it seems to me we rarely ask that question when looking at this text.
The question isn't really that hard. Scripture offers two ways: the way of wisdom and life, and the way of folly and death. There you go. Clear as day. You're welcome. Enjoy your parenting.
Of course, that's not sufficient, is it? And certainly the Bible offers more insight than that. Solomon spent several chapters in specific training for his son. The first nine chapters of Proverbs revolve around a father (Solomon) instructing his son about important matters in life. He begins with "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction." (Prov 1:7). A good and necessary start. From there he will tackle the avoidance of sin (Prov 1:10), the importance of wisdom (Prov 1:20-2:22) (actually, over and over), trusting God (Prov 3:5), avoiding sexual sin (Prov 5:1-12), sundry practical points (Prov 6), again the avoiding of sexual sin (Prov 6:20-7:27) (one might be tempted to think that Solomon found this a particularly besetting sin), the blessings of wisdom (Prov 8), and the dangers of folly (Prov 9:13-18). A good framework. There is a repeated effort to draw sharp lines between the consequences of sin versus the value of godliness (e.g., Prov 11:5; 14:2; 16:7; 22:5). But the prevailing wind here, the primary aim, is wisdom.
If a parent intends to love their child and follow the command -- train up a child in the way he should go -- the primary thrust must be wisdom. That, of course, has its root in one place. "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight." (Prov 9:10; Prov 1:7; Job 28:28; Psa 111:10). Viewing God with genuine fear which includes reverence and awe (which includes dread) is the starting point of biblical wisdom. Where does that begin? For us humans, it begins with God -- His revelation (Psa 19:1-6), His explanation (Rom 1:19-20), His Word (Psa 19:7-14).
Parents, if there is one thing you must do to bring up your children in the way they should go, it is to fully and completely submerge them in God's Word. It must be read, memorized, taught, explained, lived (Deut 6:4-9). It should be the air they breathe, the food they eat, the clothing they wear, their nourishment and exercise. Of course, if you recognize that, then you will also see that you will need to do the same. In order to teach them, you will have to show them. But if a parent loves their child, these kinds of things are the things they do out of love to provide the best for their children.
Wednesday, August 25, 2021
Foolish Mortals
I've come across (once again) a concept from Scripture that doesn't line up with our current understanding. The concept is a "fool." We think of a fool as someone who lacks understanding, who may act unwisely on a given occasion, or even someone who appears ridiculous. But we make a mistake if we port those definitions into the biblical concept.
A fool isn't simply unaware; he makes evil plans (Isa 32:6). He enjoys wicked schemes (Prov 10:23) and proclaims folly (Prov 12:23). He mocks sin (Prov 14:9) and speaks perversity (Prov 19:1) and commits sexual immorality (Prov 6:32). He spurns parents' discipline (Prov 15:5), despises his mother (Prov 15:20), and brings grief to his parents (Prov 17:25). In biblical terms, then, a fool isn't poor informed or merely lacking understanding; a fool is a rebel against God.
In this light, it's interesting -- probably not the best term ... frightening? -- that Scripture says, "Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child." (Prov 22:15) Understanding now that "foolishness" is not a mere lack of education, a simple failure to act wisely on occasion, but rebellion against God, this text says it is deeply seated in a child's heart. God said, The intention of man's heart is evil from his youth." (Gen 8:21). That's not a ringing endorsement of the innate goodness of the human being. David wrote, "Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me." (Psa 51:5). Sin is part of our structure from childhood. "Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child." So what is the solution? The rest of the verse.
We are sinful humans and we are fully capable of taking something God says is good and abusing it. Loving discipline, something God does and commands, is one such thing. We can strip off the love and leave only discipline and it becomes wrong. But to call all corporal punishment "evil" when Scripture commands it and God does it Himself isn't wise. It's foolishness. And for a believer to refuse to do what God says because the world has a different idea puts him or her in the Old Testament category of a fool.
A fool isn't simply unaware; he makes evil plans (Isa 32:6). He enjoys wicked schemes (Prov 10:23) and proclaims folly (Prov 12:23). He mocks sin (Prov 14:9) and speaks perversity (Prov 19:1) and commits sexual immorality (Prov 6:32). He spurns parents' discipline (Prov 15:5), despises his mother (Prov 15:20), and brings grief to his parents (Prov 17:25). In biblical terms, then, a fool isn't poor informed or merely lacking understanding; a fool is a rebel against God.
In this light, it's interesting -- probably not the best term ... frightening? -- that Scripture says, "Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child." (Prov 22:15) Understanding now that "foolishness" is not a mere lack of education, a simple failure to act wisely on occasion, but rebellion against God, this text says it is deeply seated in a child's heart. God said, The intention of man's heart is evil from his youth." (Gen 8:21). That's not a ringing endorsement of the innate goodness of the human being. David wrote, "Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me." (Psa 51:5). Sin is part of our structure from childhood. "Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child." So what is the solution? The rest of the verse.
Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him. (Prov 22:15)Well, that doesn't work in today's world, does it? Of course, the premise of today's world is that people are basically good, so they automatically dismiss the verse to begin with. And we shouldn't really be surprised. The world is hostile to God (Rom 8:7). It's what we expect. Scripture tells us that God disciplines His children (Prov 3:11-12; Heb 12:5-6). Indeed, these texts irrevocably tie "discipline" to "love." "The Lord disciplines the one He loves." Hebrews says, "If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons." (Heb 12:8). Proverbs says, "Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him." (Prov 13:24).
We are sinful humans and we are fully capable of taking something God says is good and abusing it. Loving discipline, something God does and commands, is one such thing. We can strip off the love and leave only discipline and it becomes wrong. But to call all corporal punishment "evil" when Scripture commands it and God does it Himself isn't wise. It's foolishness. And for a believer to refuse to do what God says because the world has a different idea puts him or her in the Old Testament category of a fool.
Tuesday, June 02, 2020
The Bible on Parenting
There is little doubt that today's parents and parenting methods are not very much at all like prior generations. And it would stand to reason that, therefore, today's kids are not much at all like kids in prior generations. I got to see this first hand in one generation -- mine. When I was growing up, I was taught a serious sense of responsibility. Right after I got my driver's license, my family headed out on a caravan trip to Alaska -- four families, two motor homes, and a Volvo. We headed up through California, my dad's motor home in the lead. He got tired after a long drive, so he turned it over to me. Got that? A new, teenage driver in the lead vehicle, a motor home populated by the whole family, and I'm that driver. Years later, when my kids came of age, I thought back to that. I had done the best I knew how with them, but I'll be honest. I wouldn't have put that kind of weight on any of them at that age. Because in one generation the parents had already diminished the push for responsibility. Me included.
That was two generations ago. I have grandkids now. And their generation isn't anything at all like the previous ones. For instance, in my day we sat in church and were made to be quiet and still. Today I know of precious few churches that have kids in church with their parents. They'd be too disruptive. Maybe for the singing. Then it's off to "children's church" or some other kids' thing because no one expects young children to be obedient, quiet, respectful, or attentive. It just isn't reasonable. Except that, in earlier generations, it was.
What's changed? Parents and parenting, of course. First off, the concept of the "stay-at-home mom" is practically nonexistent. Not only is it impractical -- you need two incomes to pay for those kids -- but it's also unwanted. Mothers "gotta be me." They've gone from the nearly unfathomable task of being "homemakers" to being bread winners. And kids lose. Modern moms look down on housewives, striving instead to have fulfilling careers, and the time it takes to raise a responsible generation is not there anymore. So parents model a "me first" perspective that encourages selfishness in their kids. "Just be yourself." "Bloom where you are planted." Parenting has gone from parent-centered values to kid-centered wishes. From criminal neglect to helicopter parents, the gamut is not good.
One common component of yesteryear was corporal punishment. Common, expected, normal, even effective. Of course, we're so over that now. It doesn't work. Just ask science. Studies show that abusing children with corporal punishment tends to have all sorts of negative effects on them. Because modern psychology has discovered that the Bible is dead wrong on this topic, it has become quite clear that we shouldn't really care what the Bible says about parenting. All those "Spare the rod, spoil the child" kind of things (e.g., Prov 13:24; Prov 22:15; Prov 23:13-14; Prov 29:15, 17) just nullify the Bible as useful, at least on this topic. Of course, the Bible says the same thing about God (Heb 12:3-11), so if we're going to reject Scripture on the subject, we should also reject God. So, there you have it. Modern parenting is a reflection of a generation that has learned more than God ever knew and we know better. Right?
The biblical instructions on this aren't hard to find or hard to figure out. God holds parents -- fathers in particular -- responsible to train up their children. What parents train their children to be they will likely remain (Prov 22:6). Fathers are not to provoke or exasperate their children (Eph 6:4; Col 3:21), but they are responsible to discipline them and instruct them. Biblically parenting is not part time. The description in Deuteronomy includes "when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise." (Deut 6:7) And, no, the Bible is not a proponent of modern psychology, but neither does it support abuse. Instead, it premises parenting on love and recommends carefully considered and controlled "corporal punishment" to be administered from love, not anger or rage or personal offense. The fact that modern psychology has never been able to measure the results of that version is a testament to the monumental failure of parents and modern psychology. Parents are to teach, disciple, admonish, and train their children with all the available tools including the very important work of being a model of love and godliness (Titus 2:7).
Modern society knows better. Modern psychology has it figured out much better. And the current largely unguided and self-absorbed youth is the cream of that crop. They consider God an abuser. I consider their approach abuse. Because if we love our kids, we will discipline them. If "the Lord disciplines the one He loves, and chastises every son whom He receives" (Heb 12:6), should we do any less? Conversely, how can subsequent generations tolerate the negligence parents are heaping on them in the name of "modern psychology" and not suffer lasting, severe consequences? I suppose we'll find out, won't we?
That was two generations ago. I have grandkids now. And their generation isn't anything at all like the previous ones. For instance, in my day we sat in church and were made to be quiet and still. Today I know of precious few churches that have kids in church with their parents. They'd be too disruptive. Maybe for the singing. Then it's off to "children's church" or some other kids' thing because no one expects young children to be obedient, quiet, respectful, or attentive. It just isn't reasonable. Except that, in earlier generations, it was.
What's changed? Parents and parenting, of course. First off, the concept of the "stay-at-home mom" is practically nonexistent. Not only is it impractical -- you need two incomes to pay for those kids -- but it's also unwanted. Mothers "gotta be me." They've gone from the nearly unfathomable task of being "homemakers" to being bread winners. And kids lose. Modern moms look down on housewives, striving instead to have fulfilling careers, and the time it takes to raise a responsible generation is not there anymore. So parents model a "me first" perspective that encourages selfishness in their kids. "Just be yourself." "Bloom where you are planted." Parenting has gone from parent-centered values to kid-centered wishes. From criminal neglect to helicopter parents, the gamut is not good.
One common component of yesteryear was corporal punishment. Common, expected, normal, even effective. Of course, we're so over that now. It doesn't work. Just ask science. Studies show that abusing children with corporal punishment tends to have all sorts of negative effects on them. Because modern psychology has discovered that the Bible is dead wrong on this topic, it has become quite clear that we shouldn't really care what the Bible says about parenting. All those "Spare the rod, spoil the child" kind of things (e.g., Prov 13:24; Prov 22:15; Prov 23:13-14; Prov 29:15, 17) just nullify the Bible as useful, at least on this topic. Of course, the Bible says the same thing about God (Heb 12:3-11), so if we're going to reject Scripture on the subject, we should also reject God. So, there you have it. Modern parenting is a reflection of a generation that has learned more than God ever knew and we know better. Right?
The biblical instructions on this aren't hard to find or hard to figure out. God holds parents -- fathers in particular -- responsible to train up their children. What parents train their children to be they will likely remain (Prov 22:6). Fathers are not to provoke or exasperate their children (Eph 6:4; Col 3:21), but they are responsible to discipline them and instruct them. Biblically parenting is not part time. The description in Deuteronomy includes "when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise." (Deut 6:7) And, no, the Bible is not a proponent of modern psychology, but neither does it support abuse. Instead, it premises parenting on love and recommends carefully considered and controlled "corporal punishment" to be administered from love, not anger or rage or personal offense. The fact that modern psychology has never been able to measure the results of that version is a testament to the monumental failure of parents and modern psychology. Parents are to teach, disciple, admonish, and train their children with all the available tools including the very important work of being a model of love and godliness (Titus 2:7).
Modern society knows better. Modern psychology has it figured out much better. And the current largely unguided and self-absorbed youth is the cream of that crop. They consider God an abuser. I consider their approach abuse. Because if we love our kids, we will discipline them. If "the Lord disciplines the one He loves, and chastises every son whom He receives" (Heb 12:6), should we do any less? Conversely, how can subsequent generations tolerate the negligence parents are heaping on them in the name of "modern psychology" and not suffer lasting, severe consequences? I suppose we'll find out, won't we?
Tuesday, December 19, 2017
Who's Raising our Kids?
Yeah, yeah, we parents are the ones responsible for raising our kids. We know, we know. But do we really consider who it is that is actually doing that function?
Years ago I asked my younger high school son why he seemed to act more responsibly than his older high school brother. (Mind you, his older brother wasn't a problem kid. It was a relative "more responsibly".) His answer surprised me. "He has friends." How was that the point? Well, my younger son wasn't as sociable as his older brother. As a result, the primary influence on my older son was a group of peers, while the primary influence on my younger son was his parents. Interesting.
The truth is that in our day, even though we all give lip-service to "Parents are responsible for raising their children", we're not really living that out. The influence of parents (and grandparents) has diminished greatly in the world in which we've thrust our children. They are subjected to television, liberal and often anti-Christian public schools, social media, and a range of other things that are "of the world". Sure, there are other influences as well. There are parents, to varying degrees, who seek to guide and lead their kids, but they're not as common as they used to be. Both of them are working to "give their children a better life". So they hand them over to schools -- hopefully private schools because, after all, they are working to "give their children a better life" -- and church and such. But they "hand them over". Of what quality is the school of choice and the church youth structures? They don't really know.
All this is true, but parents are still an influence on their kids. They are the earliest influence and the most ... continuous for the first part of their lives, even if they aren't the most direct or largest influence. The problem here is that parents often don't realize in what capacity they're the influence. For instance, the fact that they often leave their kids to others to educate and train them itself has an impact on the children. The way parents speak at home and live at home and relate to each other all influence their kids. I've known of parents who sent their kids to church on Sunday to get some "good religious teaching" but didn't attend themselves. That is proclaiming its own message to the kids. Our lives influence our children more than our words.
We live in our modern times. ("Thanks, Stan ... Captain Obvious.") I mean, it is hard for us to consider any other way of living. Technology, church youth groups, two-parent incomes, classroom schools, computers, television, social media ... all of this is normal, expected. We rarely ask, "But ... is it good?" Maybe we should. Maybe we should consider being in this modern world, but not of it. Because all of the statistics tell us that, for the most part, good, Christian parents are not raising their kids; the world is.
Years ago I asked my younger high school son why he seemed to act more responsibly than his older high school brother. (Mind you, his older brother wasn't a problem kid. It was a relative "more responsibly".) His answer surprised me. "He has friends." How was that the point? Well, my younger son wasn't as sociable as his older brother. As a result, the primary influence on my older son was a group of peers, while the primary influence on my younger son was his parents. Interesting.
The truth is that in our day, even though we all give lip-service to "Parents are responsible for raising their children", we're not really living that out. The influence of parents (and grandparents) has diminished greatly in the world in which we've thrust our children. They are subjected to television, liberal and often anti-Christian public schools, social media, and a range of other things that are "of the world". Sure, there are other influences as well. There are parents, to varying degrees, who seek to guide and lead their kids, but they're not as common as they used to be. Both of them are working to "give their children a better life". So they hand them over to schools -- hopefully private schools because, after all, they are working to "give their children a better life" -- and church and such. But they "hand them over". Of what quality is the school of choice and the church youth structures? They don't really know.
All this is true, but parents are still an influence on their kids. They are the earliest influence and the most ... continuous for the first part of their lives, even if they aren't the most direct or largest influence. The problem here is that parents often don't realize in what capacity they're the influence. For instance, the fact that they often leave their kids to others to educate and train them itself has an impact on the children. The way parents speak at home and live at home and relate to each other all influence their kids. I've known of parents who sent their kids to church on Sunday to get some "good religious teaching" but didn't attend themselves. That is proclaiming its own message to the kids. Our lives influence our children more than our words.
We live in our modern times. ("Thanks, Stan ... Captain Obvious.") I mean, it is hard for us to consider any other way of living. Technology, church youth groups, two-parent incomes, classroom schools, computers, television, social media ... all of this is normal, expected. We rarely ask, "But ... is it good?" Maybe we should. Maybe we should consider being in this modern world, but not of it. Because all of the statistics tell us that, for the most part, good, Christian parents are not raising their kids; the world is.
Thursday, July 16, 2015
A Father's Job
There is simply not a lot of strategies or instructions in the Bible regarding child rearing. We have a lot of self-help books and "tried and true programs", but not a lot of Scripture. But we do have this one.
The word for "discipline" is παιδεία -- paideia. It refers training, teaching, tutoring, that kind of thing, but includes chastening and disciplinary correction. So we can't get around the conundrum with "It doesn't have to be painful to train." So how is it possible for parents (note that it is fathers here) to provide disciplinary correction in their training of their children without provoking them to anger?
We might get a hint from Paul's parallel passage in Colossians. "Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart." (Col 3:21) It's the same concept, but a different word. This one is ἐρεθίζω -- erethizō. It means literally to stimulate. But the Ephesians 6 word is παροργίζω -- parorgizō. Even though the King James translates both the same, this one is slightly different. It means to provoke anger alongside (near). When you stick these two together, you'll see the idea. Don't make a practice of constantly engaging with or pushing your children into anger. Don't stimulate them to anger. Don't exasperate them.
Now maybe we can make some sense of it. Fathers, don't do stuff that, after constant exposure, makes your kids angry. Do they know the rules or are you just winging it? Are you consistent? Are you fair, meaning both equal standards as well as equal treatment (no favoritism)? Do you only respond with anger? Are you punishing them for things you model or are you a model of what they should be? Do you have a child-centered home? (No, that's a bad thing. So when you make them believe "It's all about me" and then try to correct them, this will not go well.) Do you train only with correction or do you also praise? Are you reliable? When you promise something (pleasant or unpleasant), do you carry through? Do you make false threats? Are you unkind, mocking, ridiculing? Do you compare them to each other? (What is more exasperating than "Why can't you be more like your sister?" or the like?) These things (and others) go a long way toward provoking your kids to anger.
Now, in our rush to avoid angering our children, we seem to think we're off the hook for the last half of the command. Too many parents push off discipline, thinking it's archaic or old-fashioned. Maybe they were improperly disciplined as children and think it can't be done. Maybe they're more concerned about being a buddy to their kids. Nowhere do you find the command, "Be your kids' best friend." But to discipline and instruct? Yes, that's a command. And then parents will hand off their kids to someone else to be instructed. Dads, that's your God-given job. We don't get to hand that off. Whether your doing it directly or getting help from your wife or others, it is always your responsibility. So when we hear of kids who leave home and leave the church, who is responsible?
It's odd, isn't it? I mean, we aren't given a lot of instructions here or even a list of responsibilities as fathers. We have more input on being a husband. And yet there is little at which we are failing more than this. Scripture says, "The glory of sons is their fathers." (Prov 17:6) (We might think that's turned around; it isn't.) Dads, are you the glory of your sons? Or are you an embarrassment at best and exasperating at worst? Improper discipline can exasperate a child. Discipline and instruction in the Lord, administered with love at its core, is not only beneficial; it is commanded. And bottom line, that's your job, fathers.
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Eph 6:4)Does that strike anyone as odd? It appears that Paul stuck two diametrically opposed things side by side in this sentence. There is "discipline" and there is "do not provoke". I mean, can you discipline and not provoke your kids to anger?
The word for "discipline" is παιδεία -- paideia. It refers training, teaching, tutoring, that kind of thing, but includes chastening and disciplinary correction. So we can't get around the conundrum with "It doesn't have to be painful to train." So how is it possible for parents (note that it is fathers here) to provide disciplinary correction in their training of their children without provoking them to anger?
We might get a hint from Paul's parallel passage in Colossians. "Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart." (Col 3:21) It's the same concept, but a different word. This one is ἐρεθίζω -- erethizō. It means literally to stimulate. But the Ephesians 6 word is παροργίζω -- parorgizō. Even though the King James translates both the same, this one is slightly different. It means to provoke anger alongside (near). When you stick these two together, you'll see the idea. Don't make a practice of constantly engaging with or pushing your children into anger. Don't stimulate them to anger. Don't exasperate them.
Now maybe we can make some sense of it. Fathers, don't do stuff that, after constant exposure, makes your kids angry. Do they know the rules or are you just winging it? Are you consistent? Are you fair, meaning both equal standards as well as equal treatment (no favoritism)? Do you only respond with anger? Are you punishing them for things you model or are you a model of what they should be? Do you have a child-centered home? (No, that's a bad thing. So when you make them believe "It's all about me" and then try to correct them, this will not go well.) Do you train only with correction or do you also praise? Are you reliable? When you promise something (pleasant or unpleasant), do you carry through? Do you make false threats? Are you unkind, mocking, ridiculing? Do you compare them to each other? (What is more exasperating than "Why can't you be more like your sister?" or the like?) These things (and others) go a long way toward provoking your kids to anger.
Now, in our rush to avoid angering our children, we seem to think we're off the hook for the last half of the command. Too many parents push off discipline, thinking it's archaic or old-fashioned. Maybe they were improperly disciplined as children and think it can't be done. Maybe they're more concerned about being a buddy to their kids. Nowhere do you find the command, "Be your kids' best friend." But to discipline and instruct? Yes, that's a command. And then parents will hand off their kids to someone else to be instructed. Dads, that's your God-given job. We don't get to hand that off. Whether your doing it directly or getting help from your wife or others, it is always your responsibility. So when we hear of kids who leave home and leave the church, who is responsible?
It's odd, isn't it? I mean, we aren't given a lot of instructions here or even a list of responsibilities as fathers. We have more input on being a husband. And yet there is little at which we are failing more than this. Scripture says, "The glory of sons is their fathers." (Prov 17:6) (We might think that's turned around; it isn't.) Dads, are you the glory of your sons? Or are you an embarrassment at best and exasperating at worst? Improper discipline can exasperate a child. Discipline and instruction in the Lord, administered with love at its core, is not only beneficial; it is commanded. And bottom line, that's your job, fathers.
Monday, June 15, 2015
Training
Recent studies have indicated that kids, particularly high school and college age kids, are suffering from excessive stress. Further, the primary cause, they say, of this stress is "helicopter parents". Psychologist Chris Meno said that "over-involved 'helicopter parenting' is taking a serious toll on the psychological well-being of college students."
Over against that we have Christian parents who are working hard to keep their kids from the evil influences of public schools and the Internet and television and the like. They believe that shielding their kids from this stuff is the best approach. They are their own version of "helicopter parents".
"But," one might say, "aren't we supposed to do that?" Well, if you think about it, Solomon's wise "Train up your children in the way they should go" (Prov 22:6) is not the same thing as "Keep your kids away from evil influences." We are not commanded to "shelter your family from outside forces", but to "teach them diligently" (Deut 6:4-7). The orders issued from the top are to "bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord" (Eph 6:4), not to make sure that no sinful pressures be allowed to be brought to bear on your family.
I think, in fact, that this is precisely where we have gone astray in modern American Christian parenting. Some are not working at it at all. Others are working hard to shelter their kids. But how many are teaching their kids? How many are filling their children's minds with the truth, with the weapons of spiritual warfare, with the Word of God? How many make it their daily practice to speak of these things "when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise" (Deut 6:7)? Jesus told us to make disciples, "teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you." (Matt 28:20) How many parents are doing that?
Don't get me wrong. I don't mean to suggest that parents are negligent. I think that they were never taught, that their experiences, if it was Christian at all, were much closer to today's version of "avoidance" rather than "diligent teaching". It was, in fact, Eve's approach in the garden. When the serpent asked what God had commanded, she said, "God said, 'You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.'" (Gen 3:3) No, He didn't. No word of "touching". That was Eve's method. Not "What was the command?" or "What was the significance?", but avoidance. "Don't touch." And Eve illustrates the effectiveness of such an approach. It fails.
The truth is your kids are little sinners, born that way. Sure, they need godly protection. But, more importantly, they need godly training. They need godly discipline. They need godly influence. They need godly examples. And what they really need is a change of heart, something parents cannot supply. We can only train and pray, not change them. That's God's job. However, I can tell you that offering avoidance and not training is not a useful method of addressing a problem the size of your kids' sin nature.
So don't be a "helicopter parent". And don't be an absent parent. Make your kids disciples. Teach them. Discipline them. Train them. And, oh, by the way, if you're not trained yourself, you might need to address that issue, too. We are not told "Help a child avoid ungodly influences and when he is old he will not depart." No. Training is required. It is commanded by God. It is a God-given responsibility of parents. We ought to act on what we are told.
Over against that we have Christian parents who are working hard to keep their kids from the evil influences of public schools and the Internet and television and the like. They believe that shielding their kids from this stuff is the best approach. They are their own version of "helicopter parents".
"But," one might say, "aren't we supposed to do that?" Well, if you think about it, Solomon's wise "Train up your children in the way they should go" (Prov 22:6) is not the same thing as "Keep your kids away from evil influences." We are not commanded to "shelter your family from outside forces", but to "teach them diligently" (Deut 6:4-7). The orders issued from the top are to "bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord" (Eph 6:4), not to make sure that no sinful pressures be allowed to be brought to bear on your family.
I think, in fact, that this is precisely where we have gone astray in modern American Christian parenting. Some are not working at it at all. Others are working hard to shelter their kids. But how many are teaching their kids? How many are filling their children's minds with the truth, with the weapons of spiritual warfare, with the Word of God? How many make it their daily practice to speak of these things "when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise" (Deut 6:7)? Jesus told us to make disciples, "teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you." (Matt 28:20) How many parents are doing that?
Don't get me wrong. I don't mean to suggest that parents are negligent. I think that they were never taught, that their experiences, if it was Christian at all, were much closer to today's version of "avoidance" rather than "diligent teaching". It was, in fact, Eve's approach in the garden. When the serpent asked what God had commanded, she said, "God said, 'You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.'" (Gen 3:3) No, He didn't. No word of "touching". That was Eve's method. Not "What was the command?" or "What was the significance?", but avoidance. "Don't touch." And Eve illustrates the effectiveness of such an approach. It fails.
The truth is your kids are little sinners, born that way. Sure, they need godly protection. But, more importantly, they need godly training. They need godly discipline. They need godly influence. They need godly examples. And what they really need is a change of heart, something parents cannot supply. We can only train and pray, not change them. That's God's job. However, I can tell you that offering avoidance and not training is not a useful method of addressing a problem the size of your kids' sin nature.
So don't be a "helicopter parent". And don't be an absent parent. Make your kids disciples. Teach them. Discipline them. Train them. And, oh, by the way, if you're not trained yourself, you might need to address that issue, too. We are not told "Help a child avoid ungodly influences and when he is old he will not depart." No. Training is required. It is commanded by God. It is a God-given responsibility of parents. We ought to act on what we are told.
Friday, May 29, 2015
Parenting
Have you ever seen the movie, Simon Birch? It's a story about two 12-year-old boys in 1964. Joe is a regular kid except that no one but his mother knows who his father is, and the other is Simon Birch, a diminutive kid not expected to live beyond his first week and, therefore, deemed a miracle. The running theme (among other things) is Joe and Simon trying to figure out who his father is. I won't give it away, but his father was someone he knew, someone peripherally involved, giving occasional instruction or advice, but not really part of his life. And I found it to be an appropriate illustration of many parents today. They are present, to be sure, but only peripherally involved.
Perhaps one of the hardest (and, often, most rewarding) job ever assigned is the job of parenting. So I find it a bit odd that we take the job so lightly. Perhaps it's a side effect of the current failure to grasp marriage as it includes the propagation of the species or perhaps it's due to the ever popular "it's all about me" concept, but we just don't seem to make kids our priority. And when we think we do, it's either too much or too little. It's the "helicopter parent" syndrome or the "I've got to work 80 hours a week to provide for my child" without actually being in your child's life.
The Bible says that fathers are responsible for their children. We are responsible to love our wives (Eph 5:25) and to bring up our children "in the discipline and instruction of the Lord" (Eph 6:4). It's our responsibility. So, to that end, I'd like to make some suggestions.
Prioritize
We are often overrun by the tyranny of the urgent. It has to be done now. The truth is that there are many important things that would take precedence over the urgent. We need to set our priorities. "Standard of living" is urgent, but not important. Your own personal pleasure is urgent, but not important. Work isn't everything. "Regard one another as more important than yourselves" (Phil 2:3), and begin at home.
Encourage
We're usually much better at finding fault than encouraging. We are commanded to admonish the unruly, and we parents typically get that, but we're also commanded to encourage the fainthearted (1 Thess 5:14), and a constant stream of "admonish" without "encourage" makes anyone "fainthearted". "Therefore, encourage one another." (2 Thess 5:11) "Encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called 'Today,' so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin." (Heb 3:13) Or, as Paul puts it, "Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart." (Col 3:21)
Love
We know we're supposed to love our kids. Do it. Do it when they're good. Do it when they're bad. Do it when you're busy and distracted. Do it when you think there are other things more important or more pressing. Love always, even in the hard times.
Teach
We understand we're supposed to teach our kids. So we send them to school and to Sunday School and ... and we end up handing off our God-given responsibility to others. Teach your kids. Teach always. The command was "These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up." (Deut 6:6-7) Let's see ... "when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up." That leaves ... no other time. Teach with words. Teach by example. Teach by living. Even when you allow others to teach them, be involved.
Live
The singularly biggest effect you will have on your kids will not be your words. It will be your life. Faith is lived. Anyone can tell what you believe by what you do. I remember the lesson from A Christmas Story where Ralphie was helping his father change a flat tire and blurted out, "Oh, fudge!", except, as the narrator tells us, it wasn't "fudge". Ralphie got in trouble for his profanity, but when they asked him where he learned it, he couldn't tell them the truth. He had learned it from his father. Without knowing it, his father had taught him more by example than with words. How you walk demonstrates what you believe. Bible, prayer, everyday morality, compassion, these things are lived more than spoken. You can say all the right things, but when you don't live them you nullify the lessons.
We know about a lot of this stuff. We know we're supposed to bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. We just forget sometimes that we have that assignment, not the Sunday School teacher or the youth group leader. We know that work isn't everything, but it's hard sometimes to tell it from our actions. We know it's important. Clearly we forget. It's clear because the next generation is looking more and more like the world and less and less like disciples of Christ. If we are to make disciples, teaching them to obey all the we have been commanded, it would be a good idea to let it begin at home. There's no time to waste.
Perhaps one of the hardest (and, often, most rewarding) job ever assigned is the job of parenting. So I find it a bit odd that we take the job so lightly. Perhaps it's a side effect of the current failure to grasp marriage as it includes the propagation of the species or perhaps it's due to the ever popular "it's all about me" concept, but we just don't seem to make kids our priority. And when we think we do, it's either too much or too little. It's the "helicopter parent" syndrome or the "I've got to work 80 hours a week to provide for my child" without actually being in your child's life.
The Bible says that fathers are responsible for their children. We are responsible to love our wives (Eph 5:25) and to bring up our children "in the discipline and instruction of the Lord" (Eph 6:4). It's our responsibility. So, to that end, I'd like to make some suggestions.
Prioritize
We are often overrun by the tyranny of the urgent. It has to be done now. The truth is that there are many important things that would take precedence over the urgent. We need to set our priorities. "Standard of living" is urgent, but not important. Your own personal pleasure is urgent, but not important. Work isn't everything. "Regard one another as more important than yourselves" (Phil 2:3), and begin at home.
Encourage
We're usually much better at finding fault than encouraging. We are commanded to admonish the unruly, and we parents typically get that, but we're also commanded to encourage the fainthearted (1 Thess 5:14), and a constant stream of "admonish" without "encourage" makes anyone "fainthearted". "Therefore, encourage one another." (2 Thess 5:11) "Encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called 'Today,' so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin." (Heb 3:13) Or, as Paul puts it, "Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart." (Col 3:21)
Love
We know we're supposed to love our kids. Do it. Do it when they're good. Do it when they're bad. Do it when you're busy and distracted. Do it when you think there are other things more important or more pressing. Love always, even in the hard times.
Teach
We understand we're supposed to teach our kids. So we send them to school and to Sunday School and ... and we end up handing off our God-given responsibility to others. Teach your kids. Teach always. The command was "These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up." (Deut 6:6-7) Let's see ... "when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up." That leaves ... no other time. Teach with words. Teach by example. Teach by living. Even when you allow others to teach them, be involved.
Live
The singularly biggest effect you will have on your kids will not be your words. It will be your life. Faith is lived. Anyone can tell what you believe by what you do. I remember the lesson from A Christmas Story where Ralphie was helping his father change a flat tire and blurted out, "Oh, fudge!", except, as the narrator tells us, it wasn't "fudge". Ralphie got in trouble for his profanity, but when they asked him where he learned it, he couldn't tell them the truth. He had learned it from his father. Without knowing it, his father had taught him more by example than with words. How you walk demonstrates what you believe. Bible, prayer, everyday morality, compassion, these things are lived more than spoken. You can say all the right things, but when you don't live them you nullify the lessons.
We know about a lot of this stuff. We know we're supposed to bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. We just forget sometimes that we have that assignment, not the Sunday School teacher or the youth group leader. We know that work isn't everything, but it's hard sometimes to tell it from our actions. We know it's important. Clearly we forget. It's clear because the next generation is looking more and more like the world and less and less like disciples of Christ. If we are to make disciples, teaching them to obey all the we have been commanded, it would be a good idea to let it begin at home. There's no time to waste.
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