Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Eph 6:4)Does that strike anyone as odd? It appears that Paul stuck two diametrically opposed things side by side in this sentence. There is "discipline" and there is "do not provoke". I mean, can you discipline and not provoke your kids to anger?
The word for "discipline" is παιδεία -- paideia. It refers training, teaching, tutoring, that kind of thing, but includes chastening and disciplinary correction. So we can't get around the conundrum with "It doesn't have to be painful to train." So how is it possible for parents (note that it is fathers here) to provide disciplinary correction in their training of their children without provoking them to anger?
We might get a hint from Paul's parallel passage in Colossians. "Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart." (Col 3:21) It's the same concept, but a different word. This one is ἐρεθίζω -- erethizō. It means literally to stimulate. But the Ephesians 6 word is παροργίζω -- parorgizō. Even though the King James translates both the same, this one is slightly different. It means to provoke anger alongside (near). When you stick these two together, you'll see the idea. Don't make a practice of constantly engaging with or pushing your children into anger. Don't stimulate them to anger. Don't exasperate them.
Now maybe we can make some sense of it. Fathers, don't do stuff that, after constant exposure, makes your kids angry. Do they know the rules or are you just winging it? Are you consistent? Are you fair, meaning both equal standards as well as equal treatment (no favoritism)? Do you only respond with anger? Are you punishing them for things you model or are you a model of what they should be? Do you have a child-centered home? (No, that's a bad thing. So when you make them believe "It's all about me" and then try to correct them, this will not go well.) Do you train only with correction or do you also praise? Are you reliable? When you promise something (pleasant or unpleasant), do you carry through? Do you make false threats? Are you unkind, mocking, ridiculing? Do you compare them to each other? (What is more exasperating than "Why can't you be more like your sister?" or the like?) These things (and others) go a long way toward provoking your kids to anger.
Now, in our rush to avoid angering our children, we seem to think we're off the hook for the last half of the command. Too many parents push off discipline, thinking it's archaic or old-fashioned. Maybe they were improperly disciplined as children and think it can't be done. Maybe they're more concerned about being a buddy to their kids. Nowhere do you find the command, "Be your kids' best friend." But to discipline and instruct? Yes, that's a command. And then parents will hand off their kids to someone else to be instructed. Dads, that's your God-given job. We don't get to hand that off. Whether your doing it directly or getting help from your wife or others, it is always your responsibility. So when we hear of kids who leave home and leave the church, who is responsible?
It's odd, isn't it? I mean, we aren't given a lot of instructions here or even a list of responsibilities as fathers. We have more input on being a husband. And yet there is little at which we are failing more than this. Scripture says, "The glory of sons is their fathers." (Prov 17:6) (We might think that's turned around; it isn't.) Dads, are you the glory of your sons? Or are you an embarrassment at best and exasperating at worst? Improper discipline can exasperate a child. Discipline and instruction in the Lord, administered with love at its core, is not only beneficial; it is commanded. And bottom line, that's your job, fathers.
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