Jobs That Didn't Work Out

• The Mapmaker in Arizona: He was alright at maps, but it turned out he didn’t have a good sense of Yuma.
• The Archaeologist: He loved digging up the past, but his career quickly went into ruins.
• The Baker: She wanted to make a bunch of dough, but she just couldn’t rise to the occasion.
• The Barber: He was great at his job, but he just couldn’t make the cut.
• The Astronaut: She was highly qualified, but her career never really took off, and she just ended up taking up space.
• The Electrician: He was brilliant, but he was ultimately fired for conducting himself poorly.
• The Tailor: He tried his best to fit in, but it was a sew-sew effort and things just unraveled.
• The Gym Teacher: She was full of energy, but things just weren’t working out.
• The Roofer: He was at the top of his game, but the job was over his head.
• The Clockmaker: He wanted to put in the hours, but he wound up ticking everyone off.
• The Hypnotist: He was mesmerizing at first, but he eventually lost his focus.
• The Submarine Captain: He was a deep thinker, but his career quickly went under.
• The Historian: He was eager, but realized there was no future in it.
• The Parachutist: It worked out well until he jumped to a conclusion.

May Day!!

A friend of mine spent time in Greece. While there, he asked someone, "When you want to express that it doesn't make sense to you, what do you say?" He was, of course, referring to our "It's all Greek to me" phrase. The man smiled and told him their phrase was "It's all Chinese to me." Perfect. Years ago, God imported a "Chinese mission field" to our house in the form of Gao. He was a Chinese student who came to the company I worked for to work for a year and we put him up. A wonderful experience. I taught him about Jesus and how to speak better English and he told me about Chinese. Every word, he told me, has at least four different meanings, depending on the tone you use. Great—a language more difficult than English. Still, English is tough enough.

We have homographs, words spelled the same but pronounced differently with different meanings, such as "invalid" meaning a disability and "invalid" meaning not valid, or "lead" meaning to guide or a metal. There is "wind" which can be moving air or a twisted path. There are "semantic reversals" such as "awful" that once meant "full of awe and wonder" and now means "very bad: or "nice" which once conveyed "ignorant," then "fussy," and now "pleasant." "Holiday" meant "holy day," but no longer. "Build" meant "make a house," but now it means making anything. "Meat" meant food in general and is now animal flesh. There's the whole "mouse" and "mice" plural but not "house" and "hice" or "goose" and "geese" but not "moose" and "meece." "Oversight" might mean to supervise or to fail to notice. "Fast" can have three distinct meanings: "quick," "not eating," or "tightly held." You might "clip" a coupon and "clip" it to another piece of paper. On, and on.

Eventually it becomes too much. Modern English speakers can't agree on the rules and can't agree on the meanings and wonder why communication is such a problem. Learning English properly has become "too boring" or "too cumbersome" and the singular rule, "Every rule has an exception," only makes it worse. So they shorten it to TLAs and acronyms that become their own secret codes and think, "Now we're communicating." But ... we ain't. Oh ... sorry ... aren't. I'd want to call out, "May Day!", but is that the day of the year or a call for help? Maybe "It's all English to me" would be more appropriate phrase.

As Seen On T-Shirts and Bumper Stickers

Best T-Shirt Humor

Clever / Nerdy
"I'm not arguing. I'm just explaining why I'm right."

"Introverts Unite — separately, in your own homes."

"404: Costume Not Found"

"I paused my game to be here."

"Math: The only place where people buy 60 watermelons and no one asks why."

Dry / Deadpan
"This is my too‑tired‑to-function shirt."

"Running late is my cardio."

"I'm fine. Everything is fine. This is fine."

"I'm not lazy. I'm energy efficient."

"Professional Overthinker"

Absurd / Silly
"Ask me about my cat. No really. Ask me."

"I do my own stunts (on accident)."

"Powered by coffee and questionable decisions."

Best Bumper Sticker Humor

Classic One‑Liners
"Honk if you love silence."

"I'm not speeding — I'm qualifying."

"Driver carries no cash. He's married."

"My other car is also a disappointment."

"If you can read this, I'm not impressed. Most people can read."

Self‑Deprecating
"I brake for… oh look, a squirrel."

"I used to be cool."

"Caution: Driver singing loudly."

Dark / Sarcastic
"I'm sorry for driving so close in front of you."

"I childproofed my house, but they still get in."

"The closer you get, the slower I drive."

Nerd‑Flavored
"There's no place like 127.0.0.1"

"My other ride is a quantum fluctuation."

"Honk if you understand Schrödinger's cat. (Or don't. Hard to tell.)"

Fractured Christmas Carols - A Reprise

Full disclosure. I did this back in December of 2015, a sort of extra-length dad joke, I guess. And my wife has been listening to hours and hours of Christmas music. So ... I've gotta do it again ...
_______________
I don't know. Maybe I'm missing something. I just don't get what everyone sees in these Christmas songs you hear all around.

Some of them do it to themselves. On what planet, for instance, could you see "three ships come sailing in to Bethlehem", a landlocked town in Israel? And everyone knows that you put decks on ships or on patios, but not in halls. And I have to say I think it is cruel to be pointing to the mother who just delivered her first child and referring to her as "round yon virgin". Mean ... just mean. And, seriously, how exactly do you "troll the ancient yuletide carol"? Seriously. Say, when did "jingle belling" and "mistletoeing" become verbs? And what, do you suppose, the verb tenses would look like? "Jingle belled", "jingle belling", "have jingle bellen"?

Others, however, just seem really out there if you're not paying close attention to the words.

Take, for instance, the Nat King Cole classic, The Christmas Song. I mean, sure, it's true. I'm sure that everybody does know a turkey -- that office clown or the conspiracy nut down the street or something -- but why put it in a song? "Everybody knows a turkey, and some mistletoe helps to make the season right." In what way does some mistletoe make it better knowing a turkey? Or is it safe having Santa flying around while under the influence? "We know that Santa's on his way. He's loaded; lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh." I mean, that's just not right.

And, seriously ... in Jingle Bells ... The horse was lean an lank, ran into a bank ... "And then we got upsot"?? I didn't mess with that at all. That's the actual word in the song.

Bing Crosby was known for his song about his thoughts about the girth of Christmas. Why? Who dreams of a wide Christmas? What does that even mean? Winter Wonderland isn't much better. "Later on we'll perspire while we sit by the fire." Ooo, that's really appealing, isn't it?

And tell me, why did Olive pick on Rudolph? You know, "Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names." Someone should have done something about that bully reindeer.

Something I've never figured out is exactly who Harold Angel is. (Someone told me he was a famous journalist whose full name was Harold Angelsing.) You think about that a moment while I try to decipher "In egg shells is Dale."

True story. I was in a choir in my youth and the leader told us, "The words are important. If you don't understand something, ask." So I said, "What is 'See the blazing yule before us'?" My friend said, "It's Euell Gibbons picking a hickory nut in a forest fire." (I guess you'd have to remember Euell Gibbons's commercials for Grapenuts cereal where he'd hold up some nature item and say, "This is a pine tree. They are edible, you know.") Strange stuff in those cheerful tunes.

Afterthought
Do you suppose what I've just been doing would be correctly termed "trolling the yuletide carol"?

I Love my Wife

A short one today. My wife and I are in California for two weeks ... you know ... the Left coast ... well known for a high concentration of liberals. We've noticed another high concentration ... Teslas. They're everywhere. Because liberals are deeply concerned about the planet and believe that electric cars can save the planet. Or something like it. But I saw one with the sticker that read, "I bought this before we knew Elon was crazy." A reference to Musk, of course. Too ... right wing. And my wife laughed when I mentioned it and said, "Carma." I love my wife.

One the EPA Missed

This has been a pet project of mine for years. The organization is called TIS BAD. The acronym stands for The International Society to Ban All Dihydromonoxide. The aim of this society is to work for the ban of the dangerous chemical known as Dihydromonoxide.

This chemical is found in every industrial factory in the world. It is highly dangerous and extremely common. Here are some of the facts:

• Causes thousands of deaths every year from exposure worldwide.
• In its solid form, can cause serious tissue damage. Has resulted in loss of limb and life.
• In its gaseous form, can cause serious burns to unprotected skin.
• Overexposure can cause an imbalance of electrolytes in the body and may be fatal.
• It is the 2nd leading cause of injury-related death for children aged 1-14 years. Black children ages 5 through 19 years have death rates 2.5 times the rate of whites from this substance. Death rates were at least 3 times greater for males than for females.
• It is found in many other common substances. It is the primary component of acid rain. It has been found in a large variety of cancerous tumors. It is widely used in pesticides and other equally dangerous chemicals.
• It is hazardous to most natural substances. It can erode substances as hard as rock. Worldwide, it is responsible for massive erosion of the environment.
• Many U.S. factories dump untreated Dihydromonoxide into rivers and streams without regard for its effects on the environment.
• The government is fully aware of its dangers, but continues to support its general use in a wide range of applications, in many cases subsidizing its use.
• Currently, the U.S. Navy and virtually every military organization are conducting experiments using dihydromonoxide without regard to personnel or environment.

There is a system to keep track of hazardous materials. Each material has a Material Safety Data Sheet (MSDS). Some of you may be familiar with it. Recently a chemist with whom I work pointed me to the MSDS for Dihydromonoxide. Here are a couple of entries from the MSDS, the official governmental record.

IV. FIRE & EXPLOSION DATA

Unusual Fire and Explosion Hazard: Rapid temperature rise of liquid can result in explosive vaporization, particularly if in a sealed container.

V. HEALTH HAZARD INFORMATION

Inhalation
Acute overexposure: Inhalation can result in asphyxiation and is often fatal.

Skin Contact
Acute overexposure: Prolonged but constant contact with liquid may cause a mild dermatitis.
Chronic overexposure: Mild to severe dermatitis.

Ingestion
Acute overexposure: Excessive ingestion of liquid form can cause gastric distress and mild diarrhea.

VI. REACTIVITY DATA

Hazardous decomposition products: Hydrogen - Explosive gas Oxygen - Supports rapid combustion

Despite all these dangers, the government has done nothing to curtail its use, its availability, or its dumping. We are working toward the curtailing of the widespread use of this dangerous chemical with the aim of eventually banning it altogether. We would appreciate your support of this movement. Find a petition to ban it and sign up. Contact your representatives in government and urge them to take action. Can we really afford to continue to keep this dangerous chemical on hand without any controls? Act now!

The Fruits of Marriage

A friend of mine is the manager of the produce section at the local grocery store. He has a lovely fiance and I asked him when they planned to be married.

"Well, we cantaloupe because I have a honeydew list that would kill a kiwi. Besides, I think we could berry get by on what I make. I would get a second job, but I have to ask myself, 'How far should a mango?' I have some collectible books that are in cherry condition I could get rid of, so maybe after I visit the book celery might consider saving up for a wedding. I mean, she's a real tomato and we make a wonderful pear. She's been a great date. I'd have to be out of my gourd not to marry her. I'd have to be some kind of a nut. And all that stuff about 'You have to be ready' is a bit corny to me. Besides, I don't really give a fig if we're rich or anything, so we'll be wed someday, kumquat will. I'll come up with the cabbage somehow. Something will turnip. If we didn't marry, I'm pretty sure it would make artichoke. He's going to be my best man, you know. So I yam sure we'll get married soon. But I gotta get to work, so, when we get married, orange you going to come? If so, I'll cashew then. Lettuce catch up then, okay, Herb?"

I didn't have the heart to tell him my name wasn't Herb. And I should have known better than to ask in the first place.

God's Political Favorite

We are, first, Christians. Some would have us believe we are, first, Americans or Republicans or something else. There are those who place their emphasis on politics. I would suggest that it's not biblical to do so. Politics are just fine, but not the end of the story.

Does that mean that Christians should avoid politics? Not at all. Okay, does that mean that the Bible has nothing to say about politics? Again, certainly not. I suspect, however, that very few even pay attention to the biblical perspective, so I'll give it to you here for your enlightenment.

A wise man's heart directs him toward the right, but the foolish man's heart directs him toward the left (Eccl 10:2).

There you have it, straight from the mouth of the wisest man who ever lived. You know where you need to go, now, so ...

Political Speech

I didn't write this. It actually came from Mad Magazine back in 1970. But I really like it, and this seems like the perfect time amidst not merely the campaigns, but the hatred being fed to us, to have this little moment of fun. Please be aware. This is a lot of wordplay. You may need a dictionary if wordplay isn't your thing.

I can hardly stomach the political ads and the nonsense that is classified "political speech" these days. Most of it is nonsense. "Don't vote for my opponent; he/she is a jerk." Practically nothing about why I should vote for you. Just all the reasons I shouldn't vote against you. Oddly, your opponent told me the same thing about you! Years ago I read this absolutely marvelous All-Occasion Non-Slanderous Political Smear Speech. Loved it. Turns out it's still available! So here it is for your enjoyment.

Guaranteed Effective All-Occasion Non-Slanderous Political Smear Speech
By Bill Garvin
MAD #139, December 1970

My fellow citizens, it is an honor and a pleasure to be here today. My opponent has openly admitted he feels an affinity toward your city, but I happen to like this area. It might be a salubrious place to him, but to me it is one of the nation's most delightful garden spots.

When I embarked upon this political campaign I hoped that it could be conducted on a high level and that my opponent would be willing to stick to the issues. Unfortunately, he has decided to be tractable instead -- to indulge in unequivocal language, to eschew the use of outright lies in his speeches, and even to make repeated veracious statements about me.

At first, I tried to ignore these scrupulous, unvarnished fidelities. Now I do so no longer. If my opponent wants a fight, he's going to get one!

It might be instructive to start with his background. My friends, have you ever accidentally dislodged a rock on the ground and seen what was underneath? Well, exploring my opponent's background is dissimilar. All the slime and filth and corruption you could possibly imagine, even in your wildest dreams, are glaringly nonexistent in this man's life. And even during his childhood!

Let us take a very quick look at that childhood: It is a known fact that, on a number of occasions, he emulated older boys at a certain playground. It is also known that his parents not only permitted him to masticate excessively in their presence, but even urged him to do so. Most explicable of all, this man who poses as a paragon of virtue, exacerbated his own sister while they were both teenagers!

I ask you, my fellow Americans: Is this the kind of person we want in public office to set an example for our youth? Of course, it's not surprising that he should have such a typically pristine background -- no, not when you consider the other members of his family:

* His female relatives put on a constant pose of purity and innocence, and claim they are inscrutable, yet every one of them has taken part in hortatory activities.
* The men in the family are likewise completely amenable to moral suasion.
* His second cousin is an admitted Mormon.
* His uncle was a flagrant heterosexual.
* His sister, who has always been obsessed by sects, once worked as a proselyte ... outside a church!
* His father was secretly chagrined at least a dozen times by matters of a pecuniary nature.
* His youngest brother wrote an essay extolling the virtues of being a homosapien.
* His great-aunt expired from a degenerative disease.
* His nephew subscribes to a phonographic magazine.
* His wife was a thespian before their marriage and even performed the act in front of paying customers!
* And his own mother had to resign from a women's organization in her later years because she was an admitted sexagenarian.

Now what shall we say of the man himself?

I can tell you in solemn truth that he is the very antithesis of political radicalism, economic irresponsibility, and personal depravity. His own record proves that he has frequently discountenanced treasonable, un-American philosophies and has perpetrated many overt acts as well.

* He perambulated his infant son on the street.
* He practiced nepotism with his uncle and first cousin.
* He attempted to interest a 13-year-old girl in philately.
* He has declared himself in favor of more homogeneity on college campuses.
* He has advocated social intercourse in mixed company -- and has taken part in such gatherings himself.
* He has been deliberately averse to crime in our streets.
* He has urged our Protestant and Jewish citizens to develop more catholic tastes.
* Last summer he committed a piscatorial act on a boat that was flying the American flag.
* Finally, at a time when we must be on our guard against all foreign "isms", he has coolly announced his belief in altruism -- and his fervent hope that some day this entire nation will be altruistic!

I beg you, my friends, to oppose this man whose life and work and ideas are so openly and avowedly compatible with our American way of life. A vote for him would be a vote for the perpetuation of everything we hold dear.

The facts are clear; the record speaks for itself.

Do your duty.

Heteronyms and Homophones

English can get tricky, can't it? Take, for instance, two categories of words: heteronyms and homophones. Heteronyms are words that are spelled the same, but are pronounced differently. Homophones are words that are pronounced the same, but spelled differently.

In the heteronym category, you might have a guide lead you to a lead mine. It's hard to play a bass fiddle while fishing for bass. You will, however, need a permit to permit you to fish. Some lab workers wanted it in their contract that they wouldn't contract any diseases. At Christmas we frequently present presents. We all know that deer would have does for mothers, but so does the baby rabbit. Just because a person is an invalid doesn't mean his ideas are invalid. Heteronymns.

Homophones are, perhaps, better known. "They're going to their home over there." "You two can go to your home, too." "Swiss cheese isn't holy, but it is wholly holey." "We didn't want to err when we let the heir go for some air." And, of course, we all remember NSync's hit, Buy, By, Bye.

It's all very confusing (and amusing). Like my favorite longest sentence using one word: "Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo." Since "buffalo" can mean a city (Buffalo, NY) as an adjective (someone from Buffalo), an animal (a buffalo or bison) as a noun, or the attempt to intimidate (to buffalo) as a verb, this is a grammatically correct sentence. That is, buffalo from Buffalo that buffalo from Buffalo intimidate (buffalo) also intimidate (buffalo) buffalo from Buffalo. Ouch! No one ever said English was easy.

Lexophile Humor

A friend sent this to me and it was worth it to pass it on to you. If you don't laugh, at least you'll have new insight into my character.

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
2. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
4. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
5. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
6. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
7. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
8. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it!
9. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
10. The dead batteries were given out, free of charge.
11. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
12. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is just two-tired.
13. A will is a dead giveaway.
14. A backward poet writes inverse.
15. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
16. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
17. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulting in linoleum blownapart.
18. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
19. A calendar's days are numbered.
20. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
21. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
22. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
23. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
24. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

And to round it out, seen at a restaurant the other day: "I dream of a day when chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned."

Dihydrogen Monoxide

Okay, enough. The world is sorry enough and the news is depressing enough and, let's be honest, the more we know about Christ and His Word, the more discouraged we can get with our own shortcomings. So this is not a pointed post today. This is, in the words of Monty Python, "something completely different." That, of course, is because it's April 1st.

In corporate America if the work you do uses chemicals it is an OSHA requirement that you have a book for MSDS, Material Safety Data Sheets. In this book you're supposed to put all the information about the dangerous chemicals in use. Here is the MSDS for a substance known as Dihydrogen Monoxide.

Dihydrogen Monoxide

Material Safety Data Sheet (MSDS)

IV. FIRE & EXPLOSION DATA

Unusual Fire and Explosion Hazard: Rapid temperature rise of liquid can result in explosive vaporization, particularly if in a sealed container.

V. HEALTH HAZARD INFORMATION

Inhalation
Acute over exposure: Inhalation can result in asphyxiation and is often fatal.

Skin Contact
Acute overexposure: Prolonged but constant contact with liquid may cause a mild dermatitis.
Chronic overexposure: Mild to severe dermatitis.

Ingestion
Acute overexposure: Excessive ingestion of liquid form can cause gastric distress and mild diarrhea.

VI. REACTIVITY DATA

Hazardous decomposition products: Hydrogen - Explosive gas Oxygen - Supports rapid combustion

As you can see, this is some pretty nasty stuff. If inhaled, it can cause asphyxiation and is often fatal. Overexposure isn't bad -- "mild dermatitis" -- but over-ingestion is potentially fatal. Not included in this MSDS is the dangers of this stuff in its gaseous and solid forms. Exposure to the solid form can be serious and even fatal. If you encounter its gaseous form it can cause serious burns. Even in its liquid form it is one of the leading causes of death in young children.

The thing that this datasheet doesn't tell you is that this stuff is everywhere. Factories use it regularly and dump it into sewers, streams and other waterways unfiltered. You'll find it in lakes and oceans in abundance. It is the primary component of acid rain. It is the leading cause of soil erosion. This chemical is found in pre-cancerous tumors. If your car brakes are exposed to it, it can seriously decrease their efficiency, causing auto accidents. Recent science suggests that it is a major factor in El Niño and the rampant destruction of sea life from warming water. It is used as a chemical solvent. It is used in nuclear facilities. Fire departments use it as a chemical fire suppressant. Scientists use it in their preparation genetically-modified plants. The CIA has reportedly used it as a method of torture. It is used in pesticide production, sanitation, and animal research facilities. The Navy uses it extensively in weapons testing. The list goes on.

For reasons unknown the authorities appear to be blind to this dangerous chemical. They barely regulate it, require little safety precautions, and allow its general use in all sorts of applications. The stuff that they use to remove human waste is the same stuff that's in your favorite soda. Banning this stuff outright seems like the best idea, but nobody is working on this at all.

What should you do? Nothing. Nothing at all. Dihydrogen monoxide is two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen: H₂O. But it's interesting, isn't it, how the right spin can make even water look bad.

I'm Just Sayin'

Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall. (Pro 16:18)

It's Pride month. July is coming. Be ready ...

Hearts and Minds

I saw a sign on our local Papa John's Pizza. They are hiring drivers. So far, so good. Below, it says on one side that it is a "Fully Phoenix-owned business." Then it says, "Earn up to $17-$25 per hour." And I am totally baffled.

First, the store is a "fully Phoenix-owned business" ... in Peoria, not Phoenix, let alone the strange suggestion that Phoenix owns this business. Odd. Second, this sign has been up for months. Really? Are there too few people who can drive that might consider "$17-$25 per hour" too little? And how expensive must these pizzas be if we're expected to pay these drivers that much money? But the real confusion in my mind is that phrase, "Earn up to $17-$25 per hour." First, "up to" is a limit. It is saying, in essence, "You can't earn more than this." If you went to work there and earned $10/hr, you'd have no room to complain because that meets the claim -- no more than. On the other hand, it might be conceivable that one could sue them for false advertising if they earned $27/hr because that is higher than the upper limit. But the real confusing part is this range thing. How can there be a range in "up to"? "Up to" is an upper limit and, apparently, it's a sliding limit. They didn't say, "You can earn $17-$25/hr." That would be understandable. It's a range. No, they put a range on a limit. How does that even make sense?

I know, I know, who cares? I don't. Not really. To me it's just another example of people not thinking. I suspect the sign was written "from the heart" with a complete removal of the mind. And that is a problem.

Like the Back of My Hand

What is it with hands? We seem to have a host of phrases that deal with hands that, often, seem to make no sense ... even though we all know what we mean by them.

We know what it means to do some work "by hand." That's easy. It's not by machine. Okay. Good. And we like to keep some things "on hand." Near. In easy reach so to speak. Some of these make reasonable sense because they actually have to do with hands. On the other hand ...

You might experience something "first hand," meaning "in person." What does "hand" have to do with it? Why do we buy "second hand" items? What is the "second hand"? I've heard it said, "I know this like the back of my hand." How well do you know the back of your hand? Would you be able to pick yours out in a photo lineup? I understand that government might be "heavy-handed" and even "underhanded," but the former is clearer to me than the latter. Under what? What does someone have in their hand that would cause you to force it? I know to "wash your hands" of a problem is actually biblical (coming from Pilate washing his hands when he ordered Jesus's crucifixion), but how would you "lend a hand" without, you know, dismembering yourself? Ships will order "all hands on deck." Why just their hands, and why should they put them on the deck? If it's possible to be in "safe hands" is it possible to be in "dangerous hands"? Maybe, but I've never heard that one. I spoke to someone just the other day who told me, "We're shorthanded today." What a strange word picture that conjures up, right? Jesus Himself said, "Do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing" (Matt 6:3). I'd think that would be pretty easy since my left hand doesn't know anything at all. If I wanted a tool, I might ask, "Would you hand me a wrench?" but I'd never say, "Would you mouth me a wrench?" if I hoped they'd use their teeth, right? Of course it would be hands. You can have nothing in your hands, your hands full, your hands tied, and in no case are you actually stating any of those as actual fact. If you get something from someone else, it's a "hand-me-down" which is as much a poorly constructed sentence as a strange idiom. Who are you handing down?

It seems to me this is all getting out of hand. Which is strange because, at no time as far as I can tell, was any of it actually in my hand. Still, you know exactly what I meant. It's all very handsome, which originally meant "easy to handle" or "ready at hand" and now means nothing at all like it. Which only goes to show that communication is tenuous at best, isn't it?

COVID-21

One of the interesting symptoms of COVID-19 was the fairly common loss of the sense of taste and smell. Very odd, but a dead giveaway even for many who had very few or very mild symptoms. I think I've discovered the latest mutation of the COVID-19 virus. Let's call it COVID-21. The primary symptom of this version is less of those coughs and breathing problems and more of a loss of common sense. It might be more rampant than its earlier version ever was.

April Humor

When I was young, I was seriously scarred by reading a book by Bennett Cerf titled, "Bennett Cerf's Treasure of Atrocious Puns." Those who know me today understand the deep impact it had on my psyche. (A couple of people who know me and read this are groaning already.)

The book was full of "great puns" which, on its own, is an oxymoron. (The "best" pun is a real groaner.) I've remembered and recounted some of them to this day. Like the story of the scientist in Florida who figured out how to keep dolphins alive forever. The secret was to feed them baby sea gulls. One day he went out to gather some gulls to feed his porpoises. When he returned he found his door blocked by a lion laying across his doorstep. Concerned at first, he quickly realized it was an old, toothless, sleeping circus lion, so he simply stepped over the animal and went inside ... at which point he was immediately arrested. The charge: Transporting little gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.

He did puns in multiple languages. "Disbar" was a word that distinguished it from another bar. "Hypotenuse" was intended to tell visitors that the upstairs bathroom was occupied. "Muchas gracias" was Spanish for "The lawn needs mowing." "Escargot" was French for "We're going on a road trip." "Hangover" was the wrath of grapes.

And so much more. You get the idea. It scarred me for life. Now the pun comes natural to me and no one pays the price but everyone who happens to be within earshot. That doesn't make me an April fool. Just a bit off in my April humor.

An Experiment

Some of us are old enough to remember the ad series that had the tagline, "When E.F. Hutton speaks, people listen." Today we could make a new one: "When Trump speaks, people get mad." It doesn't really matter what he says. "Haters are gonna hate," they say, and Trump has a large "hate" following. I have nowhere near that kind of following, but there are still people that get upset almost regardless of what I say. "This verse says this" (and I give the reference and even the text) and they're mad. Why? I don't really know. Honestly. Well, sometimes it's because I've stepped on their toes or I've disagreed with their view of things or they feel like I've said that what they're doing is wrong (and, I suppose, sometimes I have), but more often than not it's simply because I said, "This verse says this." (Like the other day when I made the audacious claim that the Bible is opposed to sexual immorality.) So I'm going to try an experiment. Today I'm going to post something that should offend no one and see if, because Stan speaks, it's offensive.
________

Here are some aircraft maintenance complaints/problems, generally known as squawks, submitted over the years by pilots to maintenance crews. After attending to the squawks, maintenance crews are required to log the details of the action taken to solve the pilots' squawks.

Defect: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Action: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Defect: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Action: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Defect: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
Action: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Defect: Something loose in cockpit.
Action: Something tightened in cockpit.

Defect: Dead bugs on windshield.
Action: Live bugs on backorder.

Defect: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
Action: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Defect: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Action: Evidence removed.

Defect: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Action: Volume set to more believable level.

Defect: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Action: That's what they are there for!

Defect: IFF doesn't work in Official mode.
Action: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
(Note: This was actually a "squawk" I got in my days in the Air Force.)

Defect: Suspected crack in windscreen.
Action: Suspect you're right.

Defect: Number 3 engine missing.
Action: After brief search, engine found on right wing.

Defect: Aircraft handles funny.
Action: Aircraft warned to "Straighten up, fly Right, and be serious."

Defect: Target radar hums.
Action: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

Defect: Mouse in cockpit.
Action: Cat installed.

Defect: The autopilot doesn't.
Action: IT DOES NOW.

Defect: Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
Action: Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!

Defect: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
Action: Pilot removed from aircraft.

Defect: Pilot's clock inoperative.
Action: Wound clock.

Defect: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds.
Action: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.

Defect: #2 ADF needle runs wild.
Action: Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.

Defect: Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.
Action: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.

Defect: Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.
Action: Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine.

Defect: Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment.
Action: Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine.

Defect: Flight attendant cold at altitude.
Action: Ground checks OK.

Defect: 3 roaches in cabin.
Action: 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.

Fantasy Reading List

Okay, maybe not, but seems like these might be fun reading even if they aren't yet.

Losing My Mind by Kent Kope
Writing Big Books by Warren Peace
The Lion Attacked by Claude Miarmoff
Archery 101 by Beau N. Aero
Songs for Children by Barbara Black-Sheep
Irish Heart Surgery by Angie O'Plasty
Crossing the Desert by I. Rhoda Camel
The Constant Truants by Marcus Absent
Falling Off Buildings by Eileen Dover and I. Phil Down
Positive Reinforcement by Wade Ago
Speaking Softly by Danielle Saloud
Italian Fog by Big Amyst
Snail Mail by Imelda Letter
Don't Argue With Me by Xavier Breth
Under the Bleachers by Seymour Butz
Lawn Maintenance by Elmo
New Math by Cal Q. Later
Living with Apathy by Don Kare
Private Security by Ren T. Cawp
Dash for the Outhouse written by Willy Makit, illustrated by Betty Woant, published by Andy Dint
Proctologist Handbook by Ben Dover
The Making of Monsters by Frank N. Stine
Government Economics by Owen A. Lott
Global Warming by Lotta Heat
RAM by Megha Bite
Safe Meal Practices by Hans R. Dirty, Goan, Wash.
A Matter of Opinion by R. U. Wright
Lost in the Woods by Werram Eye
The Next Robot by Anne Droid
Fear of Parachuting by Hugo First
Perfect Pasta by Al Dente
Puzzles by N. Igma
Military Discipline by Corporal Punishment
Watching Trees Grow by I. M. Board
How to Have the Ideal House by Bill Jerome Holm
Jail Break by Freida Convict
The Happy Vampire by Gladys Knight
Quick Cash by Robin Banks
Backyard Cooking by Barbie Cue
The Nudist Colony by Seymour Scin
The Road to Obesity by Ben Eaton
The Wrong Kind of Skinny by Bo Leemic and Ann O'Rexick
Modern Dance by Sheik Yabouti
Safe Hitchhiking by Rin Tackar

Fractured Christmas Carols

I don't know. Maybe I'm missing something. I just don't get what everyone sees in these Christmas songs you hear all around.

Some of them do it to themselves. On what planet, for instance, could you see "three ships come sailing in to Bethlehem", a landlocked town in Israel? And everyone knows that you put decks on ships or on patios, but not in halls. And I have to say I think it is cruel to be pointing to the mother who just delivered her first child and referring to her as "round yon virgin". Mean ... just mean. And, seriously, how exactly do you "troll the ancient yuletide carol"? Seriously. Say, when did "jingle belling" and "mistletoeing" become verbs? And what, do you suppose, the verb tenses would look like? "Jingle belled", "jingle belling", "have jingle bellen"?

Others, however, just seem really out there if you're not paying close attention to the words.

Take, for instance, the Nat King Cole classic, Merry Christmas to You. I mean, sure, it's true. I'm sure that everybody does know a turkey -- that office clown or the conspiracy nut down the street or something -- but why put it in a song? "Everybody knows a turkey, and some mistletoe helps to make the season right." In what way does some mistletoe make it better knowing a turkey? Or is it safe having Santa flying around while under the influence? "We know that Santa's on his way. He's loaded; lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh." I mean, that's just not right.

Bing Crosby was known for his song about his thoughts about the girth of Christmas. Why? Who dreams of a wide Christmas? What does that even mean? Winter Wonderland isn't much better. "Later on we'll perspire while we sit by the fire." Ooo, that's really appealing, isn't it?

And tell me, why did Olive pick on Rudolph? You know, "Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names." Someone should have done something about that bully reindeer.

Something I've never figured out is exactly who Harold Angel is. You think about that a moment while I try to decipher "In egg shells is Dale."

Strange stuff in those cheerful tunes.

Afterthought
Do you suppose what I've just been doing would be correctly termed "trolling the yuletide carol"?