Husbands

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her, that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that He might present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. (Eph 5:25-30)

It's an interesting command. It's interesting because, while lots of people protest the preceding command ("Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord." (Eph 5:22-24), almost no one objects to this one. And yet, neither do most of us obey it.

Notice a key point in this command. The object of attention is clearly not the husband. He's the one being commanded, sure, but he's not the focal point. Nor is it the wife. You might have thought so, but, no. Instead, the focal point of this command is Christ. Love her "as Christ loved." Give yourself up for her as Christ "gave Himself up for her." Wash her with the Word as Christ does. It's about Christ and what He has done and is doing. Look at that. Look intently. Now, go and do that with your wife, husband.

So how did Christ give Himself up for the church? Oh, that's easy. He died. "Go and do thou likewise." It's funny. We can see that, but we don't get it. If He would give it all up (Php 2:5-8), what are we to do? The same. "As Christ loved the church." As far as dying, if necessary, but that would certainly involve anything less. "I don't want to go shopping with you; I wanted to do something with the guys." "I don't like that couch; I'd be more comfortable with this one." "Why do you expect me to let you have your friends come over but I can't do the same?" "Hey, you know that's my favorite ice cream. Don't you think I should get the last scoop?"

The people that complain about the wife's command to submit do so generally with verse 22 in view. We are commanded to be "submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ." (Eph 5:22) And I say, "Exactly!" Surely, husbands, you can see how this kind of giving yourself up for her is extreme submission. No, it doesn't look the same as the wife's version, but it is submission just the same. Unfortunately, most of us, at best would say, "Sure, if called upon to die for her, I will. In the meantime, I'll do what's best for me." So it's interesting what it says in the text. "He who loves his wife loves himself." So, then, if we love our wives in this kind of sacrificial way, it is also in our own best interest. But we've managed to completely invert what God had in mind for our priorities -- Christ, then wife, then husband -- to the exact reverse -- me, then her, then Him. Which is clearly not obedience.

Marriage 101 - Conclusion

Imagine a marriage constructed like this. A husband assumes the God-given role of "head of household" and launches himself into seeking the best for his wife. He performs this by loving her as Christ loved the Church, without conditioning it on her response. He seeks to know her, to understand her, and is careful always to show her the utmost respect and honor. In turn, the wife holds her husband up as God's instrument in her life, His director of operations. She submits to him as God's representative in her life and seeks to show him the respect the position of head deserves, without regard for his "respectability".

Together, these two leave off clinging to their families and become one in spirit as well as flesh. They have a common direction, a shared heart. They stand by each other. Problems that he faces meet with her ever-present support, and difficulties in her life are shouldered by his unflagging provision. They are not two individuals, but a unit. They are not entangled with cares for their own welfare, but devoted to the welfare of the other. Neither is deterred when their partner staggers because each is seeking the best of the other. Instead of a 50-50 marriage, they have a 100-100 marriage, where 100% of the aim of each is to meet the needs of the other.

This is marriage. This is God's intent. If we are to call ourselves "disciples of Christ", it must be ours as well.

Marriage 101 - Mutual Submission

Now we're back together, both husband and wife, and ready to discuss some of the mutual aspects. Notice that a husband is never commanded to make sure his wife submits to him, and a wife is never commanded to make sure her husband loves her. Those were specific commands to specific people, and not to be confused with commands to both.

One of the most popular objections to "Wives, submit to your husbands", as it is found in Eph. 5, is the verse prior to this command. Here we find Paul saying,

"Be subject to one another in the fear of Christ" (Eph 5:21).

There you have it! Wives may need to submit to their husbands, but husbands must also submit to their wives, right? There is a problem with that notion. If both of the members of a family are in submission to each other, how are any decisions made? Some have suggested that the submission be "one at a time". In some cases, the husband submits, and in others, the wife. But this would run counter to the passage, which doesn't offer the "one at a time" approach. Further (and this is obscured by the chapter break), the next statement is "Children obey your parents." Thus, if carried to its logical conclusion, parents must submit to their children. Now, an argument can be made that this is precisely what has happened in our generation, but that's not a good thing, nor is it rational in light of the text. Paul goes on to instruct father so "bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." Thus, the idea of "everyone submits to everyone" just isn't feasible.

What is intended by "be subject to one another"?

The concept of "subjection" is the idea of "ranking under". Paul puts it this way:

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others (Phil 2:3-4).

"Regard one another as more important than himself." What a concept! While we scramble about trying to meet our needs, the call of Scripture is "regard one another as more important than himself."

So how would this work itself out in a marriage, given that wives and husbands have been assigned differing roles? In this environment of regarding others as more important than self, the two partners in this marriage would be most interested in looking out for the interests of the other. When a husband fulfills his role as head of household, he does so with his "self" disconnected. Instead, his direction is "What would be best for her?" And a wife, recognizing that she is called to submit to her husband, and recognizing that her husband is responsible, would be seeking to support him in his efforts to provide the best.

Now, do not be mistaken here. The question "What would be best for her?" does not always mean, "What would she like best?" Sometimes "best for her" entails difficulty and trial. He will be forced to make some hard choices, and she will not always be happy about them. But the goal must always be "What would be best for her?"

In this mindset, there is one serious lack from which very few marriages currently suffer – the "I". This concept of mutual submission, of always seeking the best for the other, is entirely outward focused. There is no sense of "looking out for Number One". This is a "faith fall", releasing myself to the sincere belief that "since God put this together, God will support me – therefore, I can throw myself wholeheartedly into seeking the best for my spouse." This mindset balks at "you deserve a break today" and learns instead to be satisfied in whatever circumstance befalls (Phil 4:11-13).

This, in fact, is the primary point. Those who study such things have concluded that there are certain factors that are the primary problems in most marriages. At the top of these lists are things like money, communication, and sex. I am suggesting that these are all secondary. Instead, the single most common problem in any troubled marriage is "I". Think about it. Isn't the primary problem that "I" have expectations of what I should be getting out of this marriage, and my spouse is not meeting those expectations. If I remove the "I" factor in my marriage, I remove my conflict. How many times have you heard someone complain, "He just won't let me love him" or "I want to treat her well, but she won't let me"?

Now look back at those things commanded by God for wives and for husbands. In any instance does it say what to expect from a marriage? No! It says what each should do, but it doesn't say what each should expect. That's because the focus is outward, not inward. The thought process is "I will trust God for my well-being and ..." either "submit to my husband" or "love my wife" regardless of the response. That is "mutual submission."

Marriage 101 - The Role of the Husband, Summary

Husbands have a high calling from God. They are the ones that God holds responsible in a marriage. They are the ones that God calls to be the head of the family. He is responsible to God to be the leader without being the lord. It is a relationship defined by love that is conditioned not by her response to him or what he gets from her, but by a life-long commitment to honor and understand his wife. The goal is to value his wife and to be satisfied with his wife as a gift from God, a fellow heir. The husband's role is not a small one, and not necessarily an easy one, but neither is it an optional one. Failure to be the husband you ought will have ramifications in your relationship with God as well as your wife, your other relationships, and the rest of your life.

Marriage 101 - The Role of the Husband, Part 3

It would seem obvious from these three responsibilities that one of the primary jobs of a husband is to provide for his wife (and family) (1 Tim. 5:8). God calls husbands to be the "head", and, in that, the provider. We are the responsible party, the one whom God expects to manage things. Wives may certainly contribute (as in the Proverbs 31 example of a good wife), but it is not her God-given task to do so – it is the husband's.

Solomon calls us to enjoy life with your wife (Eccl. 9:9), to "rejoice in the wife of your youth" (Prov. 5:18). Of course that would require that we be faithful to her; this should go without saying. But it takes it a step further. Enjoy life with the woman you love. Drink from your own cisterns (Prov. 5:15). In Solomon's own graphic words:

Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; be exhilarated always with her love (Prov 5:19).

This seems such a simple request, but the fact is that husbands spend much of their time in fantasy. Perhaps it isn't "evil" fantasy – "Oh, I wish I could be with her." More often it is more "benign" – "I wish my wife was more like her." But it is in direct opposition to these commands to enjoy your own wife. It is, therefore, wrong to think in those terms. Let me state that in another way: It is sin to think in those terms. Instead we are to heed Paul's instructions on thought-life:

Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things (Phil 4:8).

Note that there is nothing in that list about "If only she was more …" or the like. This is a call to a radically different thought process for most husbands.

"Now, you know there will always be issues when it comes to sex."

I won't spend a lot of time here. I think the previous information – loving her as you love yourself, placing her interests before your own, being responsible to God, etc. – should really answer most of these questions. If they don't, you haven't been paying attention. Go back to the beginning. I do need to bring up one other pertinent, important passage for us to consider:

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control (1 Cor 7:3-5).

Our first response is to read the "wife's body does not belong to her" and get enthusiastic. But remember, I'm not talking to wives here. I'm talking to husbands. Thus we must see most clearly "the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife." When this sinks in, it might radically alter your bedroom approach. Your body does not belong to you! Biblically, sexual relations between husband and wife are a surrendering, not a taking. Let that sink in. (How often is the complaint "She doesn't want to do what I want to do in bed"?)

This theme runs far beyond the bedroom, too. Your body does not belong to you! She needs someone to help her and your body will do fine. She needs someone to clean toilets and your body will do fine. She needs a hand with dishes and your hands will do fine. Just as we are to love as Christ loves, surrendering our lives, we are also to surrender our bodies as Christ did. It isn't about our egos or preferences or wishes. It's about our responsibility to God in regards to this wife that He has given us.

Marriage 101 - The Role of the Husband, Part 2

"So what are the responsibilities of a husband?"

I'm so glad you asked. God has listed several tasks for husbands. Unfortunately, we husbands have spent so much time pointing out how our wives are supposed to submit and lording it over them, or bemoaning the fact that none of this is working like that, that we seem to have missed that God has a list of things to which we are supposed to pay attention.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body (Eph. 5:25-30).

Now, when was the last time you read that whole passage and tried to take it all into account?

We understand the "love your wives" part. We have wives who remind us of that. (I would suggest, however, that you go read 1 Cor. 13:4-8 to see God's perspective on just what "love" means.) But look at the explanation of how we are to love our wives – "as Christ also loved the church". If our example of love is as Christ loved the church, how did Christ love the church? He "gave Himself up for her". And why? His aim was to "sanctify her" and cleanse her, presenting her with "no spot or wrinkle", "holy and blameless." Get hold of that for a moment. That is a large task. It is, in fact, larger than any human husband can accomplish. But according to Paul, it is our example. That is, our love should be volitional, intentional, and purposeful. It should exceed mere "warm feelings" and seek instead for every corner of good you can provide for her. Every corner of good, including physical, social, and spiritual endeavors. You are to help to "unwrinkled" her, to "sanctify" her (or set her apart). Her best interest in everything should be your first priority, even at the cost of your life. And when I say "at the cost of your life", I include "at the cost of your pride, your comfort, your convenience, your preferences." It's a funny thing about many guys; we would willingly give our lives for our wives, but would we inconvenience ourselves? After all, it was a hard day. She should be able to do those dishes herself. We are, after all, the head of the house, right? Not when her best interest is your first priority.

Fortunately, Paul takes it down a notch from there. Here is his explanation in human husband terms: We are to love our wives as our own bodies. Now, here is a common mistake. "You can't love others until you love yourself." Apparently, according to Paul, we already do love ourselves. His proof is that we take care of ourselves. We eat, we sleep, we nurture ourselves. We may have self-image issues, but we definitely love ourselves or those issues wouldn't bother us. We already love ourselves. The way in which we love ourselves ought to be the way in which we love our wives.

Now, think back. When was the last time you made yourself skip a meal because you had made a mistake? Or when did you fail to dress yourself because your boss chewed you out at work? Why, then, do we condition our love for our wives on their response to us? When we base our method of loving our wives on her attitudes and actions toward us, is that "giving yourself up for her"? Note that our example, Jesus, gave His life for people who were hiding and even denying they knew Him. This love we are to give to our wives is not conditioned by her response.

Responsibility #1, then, is to love your wife. That love is not conditioned by her response to you. It is conditioned, instead, by Responsibility #2:

You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered (1 Peter 3:7).

The second responsibility of a husband is to "live with your wives in an understanding way." Now, any guy can tell you that this is an impossible request. Is it even remotely possible that a male can understand a female? The obvious answer, according to Peter, is "Yes!" Therefore, we must. We must become students of our wives. We must learn what makes her tick. We must find out her likes, her dislikes, her needs and desires. This is our task as husbands. Learn her!

This information, gathered over time, will condition the first responsibility of loving our wives. We humans have a tendency to get confused and try to please others by doing what pleases us. This seems logical on the surface, but it fails to accomplish its goal (pleasing others) because it doesn't take into account the "others" we are seeking to please. Most of us know, for instance, that giving a wife a power tool for her birthday, something that would likely please us immensely, will produce the opposite response in her. Instead, when we seek to love our wives informed by our understanding of her, we can begin to meet her needs rather than our perception of her needs through our desires. What we normally do is so convoluted. "I would want/need that. She must. So I'll give her that … because I would want it regardless of what she would want." No! Our love must be conditioned by our understanding. Sometimes that means giving her not what she wants, but what, based on sound understanding, she needs. But for love to be most effective it must be conditioned by understanding, and the argument that "Who can understand women?" must be discarded.

Responsibility #3 is also included in Peter's remarks. He says, "Grant her honor". Now, we guys, having read the information written to our wives, know that it is their responsibility to respect us. But somehow, amidst all the confusion, we missed the part where we are supposed to honor her. So while wives are supposed to revere their husbands (not your responsibility, guys!), husbands are supposed to honor, esteem, value, consider of great worth, our wives. She is to be treated as "a weaker vessel", not because she is weaker, but because she is of great worth. She is a "fellow heir". She may be constructed like Corning ware, unbreakable, but treat her like fine china. She is valuable.

Before going on, it is important to note that this responsibility carries with it a warning. Husbands, take note! A failure to do this – to learn to understand and to honor your wife – will hinder your prayer life. It is not possible to stand in defiance of God's command to love your wife (which includes these aspects) and then expect to have your dialogue with Him unperturbed. So when your prayer life seems to suffer, check into how you are viewing and responding to your wife.

Marriage 101 - The Role of the Husband, Part 1

Okay, guys, it's time to look at God's idea of what a husband should be. If you read the role of the wife, you were reading someone else's mail. Shame! Set it all aside and let's examine what the Bible says about the role of a husband. (Ladies, you're peeking, aren't you! None of that!)

The basis of the role of the husband is found in the initial creation of the human being. God made Adam. God made Adam first (1 Tim 2:13). Now, while this may give a feeling of superiority, make no mistake. The position is not one of superiority, but of responsibility. Look at the first sin.

You all know the story. Eve was tempted by the serpent and "ate; and she gave also to her husband with her, and he ate" (Gen. 3:6). Now, we can all see that Eve started this, but who does God hold responsible? It is Adam who gets the first inquiry from God (Gen 3:9-12). It was Adam that bears, to this day, the responsibility for bringing sin into the world (Rom 5:12-14). Paul says that "Eve was deceived", which implies that Adam was not. So it is that God has ordained that "Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman" (1 Cor 11:3). God gives men authority and holds men responsible.

First Principles

This would, to me, seem painfully obvious, but it appears from experience that it is not as obvious as I would think. Let us examine for just a moment the biblical definition of marriage.

"A man shall leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh" (Gen 2:24).

Perhaps it's too cliché, but the obvious factors are "leave and cleave". Step 1: Leave. There is a separation that occurs in marriage, a cutting of apron strings. A man is, by the very definition of marriage, to leave his parents. Now, we have a phrase for the guy who does not do this. We call him "a momma's boy". One would think that, between the natural ego of a male to be independent, and the sheer embarrassment of this title, this is would be a certainty. What we find, unfortunately, is guys who "stay home" when they marry. Dad is their support. Mom is their comfort. Any issue between husband and wife is often taken home first. But the definition of marriage is "leave and cleave". Leave home, family, mother and father, and cleave to the wife. "Cleave" is an interesting word. It has the concept of glue at its root. There is to be a solid, unbreakable bond between man and woman that replaces that bond that was just broken with Mom and Dad. In this, then, "the two shall become one".

Jesus puts another light on the very same topic. When He quotes this verse, He is responding to the question of divorce. Jesus says, "What God has joined together let no man separate." It would appear, from Jesus' words, that this unique "leave and cleave" is a product of God's work. Therefore, marriage occurs from the basis of "God has joined together", which ought to give it far more seriousness than too many afford it.

It is, in fact, from this framework that God calls husbands to be what He wants. They are to love, to understand, to be the "head" from the basis that the two have become one, joined together by God.

What is "Headship"?

Headship is not the same as lordship. In 1 Peter 5, Peter speaks to the elders, the "shepherds of the flock". He tells them they are "over" the flock. As such, they are responsible and have the appropriate authority. However, he specifically tells them not to lord it over the flock (1 Peter 5:3). Instead, they are to be examples. Thus, headship is leadership by example. We find the same concept in 2 Cor. 1:24, when Paul the Apostle says, "Not that we lord it over your faith, but are workers with you for your joy." Co-workers – that's the concept. Husbands are to be the heads that do the dirty work, not the lords of the castle.

It is important to note in our retreat from "lordship" to "headship" that we don't pass too quickly from "leadership". Biblically, it is the husband's duty to God to be the leader of the house. By all means, any wise leader takes into account the wishes, desires, and ideas of others, and certainly those of his wife would be high on his concerns, but ultimately husbands are responsible to God and must, therefore, be the "tie-breakers", the deciding factor. They must place their comfort on the line if need be and lead with integrity, even when the going gets tough.

Marriage 101 - The Role of the Wife, Summary

Remember, the goal here is to be the wife as commanded in Scripture. Read over Proverbs 31:10 and following for a presentation of a wife of noble character. Look to the many passages directed to women regarding their overall behavior. Take, for example, Paul's command for older women to "encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be dishonored" (Titus 2:4-5). (Note that the purpose of such encouragement is "that the word of God may not be dishonored". This view of "outside myself" is the theme of biblical thinking.) Look at 1 Cor. 13:4-8 to see God's definition of exactly what it means to love. I think you will find that it clashes with today's romance novels and current views of love.

Most importantly, ensure your aim is submission first to the Lord and, as a result, to your husband. That submission includes love, respect, and support. Once you have achieved that simple instruction, you will have removed the log from your own eye and can proceed to remove the speck from your husband's eye.

Now, wives, you must stop reading here. The next section is to husbands. It is not addressed to wives. You can start reading again when I start the "Mutual Submission" section to get the rest of the story.

Marriage 101 - The Role of the Wife, Part 3

"But we all know husbands and their sex drives; do I need to put up with that?"

Again, the answer to this type of question all depends on whether or not you wish to submit to God. The question here is not, at the bottom level, submission to husbands, but to God. If your intent is to submit to God, then the answer is very simple:

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control (1 Cor 7:3-5).

This is the principle: "Do not regard your body as your own." Now, that may sound odd, even frightening, but remember the previous topic. As long as he is not suggesting sin (and you are checking carefully to be sure it is sin, not just something you don't like), you can be confident that it is God who is in charge. There is a section of this passage addressed to husbands (He is not to regard his body as his own), and if he is reading the next section as he should and following through, it gets even easier for you, but his acceptance of God's principles is not the guideline for you to follow God's instructions or not.

And this principle goes beyond the bedroom. "Do not regard your body as your own" when it comes to getting him something to drink or cleaning the house. "Do not regard your body as your own" when it deal with how he likes you to wear your hair, for instance. Again, I'm not including any demands for sin. But let's face it, the normal objection is not to a sinful request, but to an inconvenient one. And if you are intending to submit to God, inconvenience is not the line to draw.

Marriage 101 - The Role of the Wife, Part 2

Husbands ... you're still not supposed to be reading this. Now, be good!

"What about the husband who is not what he should be?"

I said, "If Christ is the head over the husband ... " What if He is not? What if the husband is not in submission to Christ? This is often the complaint, partially from a failure to properly read Paul's words in Ephesians 5. Some seem to think Paul says for wives to submit to their husbands "as they submit to the Lord". But that's not what the verse says. Instead it says that their submission to their husbands should be the same type of submission they are to offer to God. Not "as they submit to the Lord", but "as to the Lord". Thus, the wife is to submit to her husband "as the Church submits to Christ". How is that? It would appear to be total submission, if Christ is Lord.

But what about husbands who don't submit to Christ? What about husbands who don't even know Christ? How can a wife submit "as to the Lord" when he doesn't even know the Lord? Or, at least, isn't the man he should be? Peter has answered that. When Peter tells wives to submit, he refers specifically to husbands who "do not believe the Word". Now, that could be non-Christian husbands, or it could be husbands who are failing to follow the Word even though they are believers. In either case, Peter allows for no "out". The command is to submit.

Peter assures wives that there is a good purpose in this submission: "So that ... they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives." And of what type of behavior does Peter speak? First he refers to their purity and reverence. Then he points to the "unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit". Wives, ask yourself, are you known for "a gentle and quiet spirit"? Is your approach an inner beauty or is it with a frying pan. Are you "a wife of noble character" (Prov. 31:10ff), or "a quarrelsome wife" (Prov. 21:9)?

Neither Peter nor Paul, under the direction of the Holy Spirit, give room for a failure to submit. Peter specifically addresses the ungodly husband. Paul elsewhere offers some hope on the subject of "How can my husband lead me in the will of God if he doesn't know God or is not in the will of God?" According to Paul:

There is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted (Rom. 13:1-2).

Now, if you are a woman who loves God, that statement should give you pause. Having seen that God is the head over Christ and Christ is the head over men, we see the authority structure established by God in the home. According to Paul, if you defy that structure, you defy God . No longer is it a matter of failing to submit to that man. It's a failure – a refusal – to submit the God's authority. Now, to make things easier, you can have this confidence from the words of Solomon:

The king's heart is like channels of water in the hand of the LORD; He turns it wherever He wishes (Prov. 21:1).

There is blessed assurance in that statement. While the authorities that God has ordained over us may or may not be what they should be, or even aware of God, we can have absolute confidence, not in them, but in Him that He is in charge and will direct the authority as He sees fit.

There are, of course, those instances in which the authority placed over anyone may call for the one in submission to sin. We can see that is unacceptable and a valid reason to refuse to submit. We see it in Acts when the Sanhedrin ordered the disciples to stop preaching the Gospel. Peter replied, "We must obey God rather than men" (Acts 5:29). This is valid, but there is a strong caution here. Only in the case of a command to sin can we say that we must not submit. Only when instructed to defy God can we choose to defy the authority God has placed over us. If we were to be honest, the actual incidences in which husbands are commanding their wives to sin are very rare. Before invoking this exception clause, check carefully to determine if this is a sin being commanded. You will find it to be very uncommon.

Please note that in this sin-sick world there are also going to be times that the husband is, well, dangerous. I just saw a news show about a husband who tried to poison his wife, and she worked hard at both submitting to him and not ending their marriage. Clearly this would be a case for the authorities that God has placed in society, and not submitting to being murdered is not considered "disrespectful" or evil in some way. The same is true for other conditions. A wife cannot submit to a husband who teaches their children lies. She can be respectful, but it is not in her husband's best interests or her children's best interests to simply "go along" with it. Again, however, the danger here is in their exceptional nature. Once we admit these exceptions - and we do - it becomes likely that they will be used incorrectly. "I don't like it" is not necessarily a reason to take this exceptional path.

The other common error is in the word "respect". Wives are to "respect" their husbands (Eph. 5:33). So what about if he is not worthy of respect? This is a failure to understand the word used. First, respect is aimed at the position, not the person. As God's representative in the house (regardless of his godliness), the position deserves respect. More importantly, the root of the word used in Eph. 5:33 is not so much "respect" as it is "reverence", "fear", "be in awe". The Amplified Bible says, "Let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly]." When you conquer that list, you have arrived at "respect".

Marriage 101 - The Role of the Wife, Part 1

I only approach this one first because it is, in fact, simpler than the role of the husband. Carrying it out may entail a large amount of effort, perhaps, but the instructions are fairly plain and straightforward. In fact, almost every husband can tell his wife the initial requirement of a wife: "Submit to your husband." Plain and simple.

Of course, almost no wife would say "Plain and simple." There is so much more to discuss, to be sure. So let's address the primary issues.

"Why should I?"

Always important in biblical commands is the principle behind it. In some cases the principle is "Because God said so." In others, God kindly explains why He said so. This is one of the latter. Paul says, "The husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church." There you have it. Perhaps Paul says it clearer elsewhere.

Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God (1 Cor 11:3).

God has established a hierarchy. It goes like this:

God at the top => Christ => husband => wife.

Now, before you women jump up and down and talk about how demeaning this is, notice that Christ is not at the top. That means that He is in submission. Now, certainly we would not say that Christ is "demeaned" for being in submission to God. So it would seem that the perception that "submission is demeaning" is incorrect. In fact, there is no connection of "submission" to "value". It is not a valuation, but a ranking in terms of leadership or authority. Just as a janitor is every bit as important as a president, so is every person in this chain important. It is not demeaning to be outranked.

So, God has ordained that God be head over all, followed by Christ who is head over husbands who are then to be head over their wives. I see three important points here.

First, this hierarchy is God-ordained and, as such, good. If we say, "It's not good for women to submit to their husbands", we are saying "It's not good of God to have set things up that way.

Second, it places men in an interesting position, ladies. If it is true that God has ordained a hierarchy of authority and responsibility, then it is men whom God holds responsible. On the plus side, this decreases the responsibility of wives. On the minus side, when wives fail to allow men that authority and responsibility, you diminish them. But they don't answer to you for that; they answer to God.

Finally, it places wives in a very enviable position. If God holds husbands responsible, then the wives get a unique situation in which they can know God's will for their lives in ways that others cannot. That is, if Christ is the head over the husband, then the wife can be sure that his leadership is the precise equivalent to God's will. Of course, this naturally leads to the next issue.

Marriage 101 - Introduction

I do not claim to be an expert. I have no accreditation, no degrees, no "divine knowledge", no superior intellect in this particular field. I'm just drawing from what I see in Scripture. I'm thinking, however, that given the assault on marriage which started long ago and that is only today ending with the complete redefinition of the term, it might be helpful to provide biblical input to those who wish to follow God's instructions and don't wish to succumb to the world's lies on the subject. (Besides, it's June, the month when lots of marriages take place. You who are new or soon to be ought to see this.)

(Note: This is "101". It is not intended to be in any way complete or comprehensive. There is so much more to be said on the subject. This is just a starting point.)

I have an idea. We need to revisit marriage counseling and take a different approach. The approach I am going to recommend is not necessarily new, but it is counter to the current method and, as such, perhaps revolutionary.

I'm speaking of a biblically-based counseling. It would have no bearing on those who do not recognize God's Word as a valid rule of life. But let's look at the structure of biblical instruction on marriage to find my "biblical approach to marital counseling". First we have Paul’s input:

²² Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷ and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸ In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church- ³⁰ for we are members of his body. ³¹ "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." ³² This is a profound mystery-but I am talking about Christ and the church. ³³ However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (Eph. 5:22-33)

Then there is Peter’s point of view:

¹ Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, ² when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. ³ Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. ⁴ Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. ⁵ For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, ⁶ like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

⁷ Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. (1 Peter 3:1-7)

Here we have the two major, explicit teachings on husband/wife relationships. It only takes a brief moment to see an immediate pattern, but it's not the pattern you might expect. Notice that the first paragraph in each case has an addressee: "Wives". Notice that the second paragraph in each case has an addressee: "Husbands". Here we see a biblical pattern that must not be ignored. These authors, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, have addressed specific information to specific people. We cannot afford to skip over that.

The problem today is that it seems that all husbands know that wives are to submit, but most husbands don’t know what husbands are to be. The reverse is also true. All wives know that husbands are supposed to love them, but wives seem to have a real problem with the "submit" part. The problem is we keep reading other people’s mail.

So here's my new approach. How about if we agree that until you (husband or wife) actually meet the expected conditions addressed to you, you are not allowed to complain about your spouse's failure to meet the conditions addressed to them?

Now, as we proceed, we want to keep this idea in mind. Therefore, if you are a husband, do not read the sections entitled "The Role of a Wife". Instead, wait for "The Role of a Husband". Do not read the next few installments. They aren't addressed to you. Wives, you read the sections entitled "The Role of a Wife", but stop at "The Role of a Husband". That is not addressed to you. At the end we will see what we can do about letting you each see how the role of the other might be of some importance to you, but not yet.