Marriage 101 - The Role of the Husband, Part 1

Okay, guys, it's time to look at God's idea of what a husband should be. If you read the role of the wife, you were reading someone else's mail. Shame! Set it all aside and let's examine what the Bible says about the role of a husband. (Ladies, you're peeking, aren't you! None of that!)

The basis of the role of the husband is found in the initial creation of the human being. God made Adam. God made Adam first (1 Tim 2:13). Now, while this may give a feeling of superiority, make no mistake. The position is not one of superiority, but of responsibility. Look at the first sin.

You all know the story. Eve was tempted by the serpent and "ate; and she gave also to her husband with her, and he ate" (Gen. 3:6). Now, we can all see that Eve started this, but who does God hold responsible? It is Adam who gets the first inquiry from God (Gen 3:9-12). It was Adam that bears, to this day, the responsibility for bringing sin into the world (Rom 5:12-14). Paul says that "Eve was deceived", which implies that Adam was not. So it is that God has ordained that "Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman" (1 Cor 11:3). God gives men authority and holds men responsible.

First Principles

This would, to me, seem painfully obvious, but it appears from experience that it is not as obvious as I would think. Let us examine for just a moment the biblical definition of marriage.

"A man shall leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh" (Gen 2:24).

Perhaps it's too cliché, but the obvious factors are "leave and cleave". Step 1: Leave. There is a separation that occurs in marriage, a cutting of apron strings. A man is, by the very definition of marriage, to leave his parents. Now, we have a phrase for the guy who does not do this. We call him "a momma's boy". One would think that, between the natural ego of a male to be independent, and the sheer embarrassment of this title, this is would be a certainty. What we find, unfortunately, is guys who "stay home" when they marry. Dad is their support. Mom is their comfort. Any issue between husband and wife is often taken home first. But the definition of marriage is "leave and cleave". Leave home, family, mother and father, and cleave to the wife. "Cleave" is an interesting word. It has the concept of glue at its root. There is to be a solid, unbreakable bond between man and woman that replaces that bond that was just broken with Mom and Dad. In this, then, "the two shall become one".

Jesus puts another light on the very same topic. When He quotes this verse, He is responding to the question of divorce. Jesus says, "What God has joined together let no man separate." It would appear, from Jesus' words, that this unique "leave and cleave" is a product of God's work. Therefore, marriage occurs from the basis of "God has joined together", which ought to give it far more seriousness than too many afford it.

It is, in fact, from this framework that God calls husbands to be what He wants. They are to love, to understand, to be the "head" from the basis that the two have become one, joined together by God.

What is "Headship"?

Headship is not the same as lordship. In 1 Peter 5, Peter speaks to the elders, the "shepherds of the flock". He tells them they are "over" the flock. As such, they are responsible and have the appropriate authority. However, he specifically tells them not to lord it over the flock (1 Peter 5:3). Instead, they are to be examples. Thus, headship is leadership by example. We find the same concept in 2 Cor. 1:24, when Paul the Apostle says, "Not that we lord it over your faith, but are workers with you for your joy." Co-workers – that's the concept. Husbands are to be the heads that do the dirty work, not the lords of the castle.

It is important to note in our retreat from "lordship" to "headship" that we don't pass too quickly from "leadership". Biblically, it is the husband's duty to God to be the leader of the house. By all means, any wise leader takes into account the wishes, desires, and ideas of others, and certainly those of his wife would be high on his concerns, but ultimately husbands are responsible to God and must, therefore, be the "tie-breakers", the deciding factor. They must place their comfort on the line if need be and lead with integrity, even when the going gets tough.