Marriage 101 - The Role of the Wife, Part 2

Husbands ... you're still not supposed to be reading this. Now, be good!

"What about the husband who is not what he should be?"

I said, "If Christ is the head over the husband ... " What if He is not? What if the husband is not in submission to Christ? This is often the complaint, partially from a failure to properly read Paul's words in Ephesians 5. Some seem to think Paul says for wives to submit to their husbands "as they submit to the Lord". But that's not what the verse says. Instead it says that their submission to their husbands should be the same type of submission they are to offer to God. Not "as they submit to the Lord", but "as to the Lord". Thus, the wife is to submit to her husband "as the Church submits to Christ". How is that? It would appear to be total submission, if Christ is Lord.

But what about husbands who don't submit to Christ? What about husbands who don't even know Christ? How can a wife submit "as to the Lord" when he doesn't even know the Lord? Or, at least, isn't the man he should be? Peter has answered that. When Peter tells wives to submit, he refers specifically to husbands who "do not believe the Word". Now, that could be non-Christian husbands, or it could be husbands who are failing to follow the Word even though they are believers. In either case, Peter allows for no "out". The command is to submit.

Peter assures wives that there is a good purpose in this submission: "So that ... they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives." And of what type of behavior does Peter speak? First he refers to their purity and reverence. Then he points to the "unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit". Wives, ask yourself, are you known for "a gentle and quiet spirit"? Is your approach an inner beauty or is it with a frying pan. Are you "a wife of noble character" (Prov. 31:10ff), or "a quarrelsome wife" (Prov. 21:9)?

Neither Peter nor Paul, under the direction of the Holy Spirit, give room for a failure to submit. Peter specifically addresses the ungodly husband. Paul elsewhere offers some hope on the subject of "How can my husband lead me in the will of God if he doesn't know God or is not in the will of God?" According to Paul:

There is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted (Rom. 13:1-2).

Now, if you are a woman who loves God, that statement should give you pause. Having seen that God is the head over Christ and Christ is the head over men, we see the authority structure established by God in the home. According to Paul, if you defy that structure, you defy God . No longer is it a matter of failing to submit to that man. It's a failure – a refusal – to submit the God's authority. Now, to make things easier, you can have this confidence from the words of Solomon:

The king's heart is like channels of water in the hand of the LORD; He turns it wherever He wishes (Prov. 21:1).

There is blessed assurance in that statement. While the authorities that God has ordained over us may or may not be what they should be, or even aware of God, we can have absolute confidence, not in them, but in Him that He is in charge and will direct the authority as He sees fit.

There are, of course, those instances in which the authority placed over anyone may call for the one in submission to sin. We can see that is unacceptable and a valid reason to refuse to submit. We see it in Acts when the Sanhedrin ordered the disciples to stop preaching the Gospel. Peter replied, "We must obey God rather than men" (Acts 5:29). This is valid, but there is a strong caution here. Only in the case of a command to sin can we say that we must not submit. Only when instructed to defy God can we choose to defy the authority God has placed over us. If we were to be honest, the actual incidences in which husbands are commanding their wives to sin are very rare. Before invoking this exception clause, check carefully to determine if this is a sin being commanded. You will find it to be very uncommon.

Please note that in this sin-sick world there are also going to be times that the husband is, well, dangerous. I just saw a news show about a husband who tried to poison his wife, and she worked hard at both submitting to him and not ending their marriage. Clearly this would be a case for the authorities that God has placed in society, and not submitting to being murdered is not considered "disrespectful" or evil in some way. The same is true for other conditions. A wife cannot submit to a husband who teaches their children lies. She can be respectful, but it is not in her husband's best interests or her children's best interests to simply "go along" with it. Again, however, the danger here is in their exceptional nature. Once we admit these exceptions - and we do - it becomes likely that they will be used incorrectly. "I don't like it" is not necessarily a reason to take this exceptional path.

The other common error is in the word "respect". Wives are to "respect" their husbands (Eph. 5:33). So what about if he is not worthy of respect? This is a failure to understand the word used. First, respect is aimed at the position, not the person. As God's representative in the house (regardless of his godliness), the position deserves respect. More importantly, the root of the word used in Eph. 5:33 is not so much "respect" as it is "reverence", "fear", "be in awe". The Amplified Bible says, "Let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly]." When you conquer that list, you have arrived at "respect".