I have felt for a long time a particular way. I know, in my head, that it isn't the right way to feel. So I have never told anyone I felt that way. Besides, it comes and goes. Why bother? Then, the other day, I told someone. I told him because he was expressing almost the same thing to me. Maybe, just maybe, he could understand this feeling I've had. And he did. In fact, it turned out that he shared a similar feeling. And I got to thinking ... how many other folks share a similar sense and just don't tell anyone because, well, we're not supposed to feel this way? And what if, just because we're not sharing it because we're not supposed to feel this way, we are missing out on help that others can give who have felt the same or have something with which to address it?
So here it is. Understand, first, that it is a feeling. I don't personally put much stock in feelings. Feelings are generally a product. Bad feelings are products of bad thinking and good feelings are products of good thinking, generally thinking. (By "bad" and "good" thinking, I don't mean "improper" and "proper" thinking. I mean the perception that things are bad or good generally produces bad or good feelings.) How I think is much more important than how I feel. Sometimes, however, I feel like I'm not God's favorite child.
I have to explain that further. I don't feel like I'm an abused little child in God's economy. I don't feel like He's being mean to me. I don't feel as if I'm mistreated or disliked or even short-changed. I just feel like ... I'm not one of His favorites. I know lots of people who have relationships with God that are extremely warm and dynamic. They have a drastic need and God meets it dramatically. They have a problem and God swoops in to fix it. You know those kind. They say, "Well, Lord, You know the need here. I don't have enough to make it to the end of the month. If I'm going to pay the bills, You'll have to provide." And then, somehow, out of nowhere, an unexpected check comes in the mail for exactly the amount they needed for that month. Oh, sure, you've heard those stories before. God supernaturally protected them or miraculously healed them. They prayed, "Lord, please make my car start" and it did. There are the kinds of Christians that you really want praying for you because whatever they pray for God seems to provide. You know those people. But it never happened to me.
Like I said, though, I don't feel like I'm being short-changed. If I got from God what I deserved, I couldn't bear it. And generally speaking my life is pretty good. I don't feel as if He's mean to me. I don't begrudge the others what He does for them. I'm sure He's perfectly free to give as He wishes to whomever He chooses however He pleases. That's perfectly fine with me. I'm not abused. He's not beating me. I'm not talking about a sense of discipline, for instance. I generally know when that happens. It's just that, well, I'm not His favorite. If I am around one of His favorites, He might do something nice for me to benefit them. And, sure, He is always doing nice things for me. I mean, I'm still living and breathing, aren't I? I have a job and food and shelter and transportation, don't I? I'm relatively healthy. I have a good wife. See? I'm not abused or short-changed or any such thing. Still, when the car gets wrecked I know He's not putting a check in the mail to pay for it. When the TV tells me, "You could win a million bucks!" I know they're not talking to me because God doesn't do that in my life. Nor am I questioning His ability to do so. I know He can do it. I just don't think He's willing when it comes to me.
As I said, it's a feeling. Generally speaking, when I stop feeling like that long enough to tell myself the truth, it goes away. It's just one of those faulty tapes I play in my head sometimes, a mistaken notion that God loves you a lot more than He loves me. But I don't put a lot of stock in feelings, so I shut off that tape whenever I think about it and play a different one, a grateful one for the kindness God has shown me over the decades. It's more reasonable, more helpful, and more ... well ... true. But I do wonder if there aren't more of us out there that sometimes feel that way but don't want to tell anyone because we're not supposed to feel that way ...
5 comments:
This post dredged up such an abundance of feelings inside, many of which conflicted with each other, that I can hardly express in an intelligible way exactly how I feel. So let's just say, I agree with you, have felt that feeling many times throughout my Christian walk, and have continually questioned whether there is any actual basis for the feeling. Yet try as I might I cannot justify the feeling nor deny its pervasive presence.
I personally think it may have something to do with my personal inadequacy in living the example of Paul's description of "contentment". Obviously I have a long way to go in fully implementing that character trait with honesty and genuineness.
But then again, maybe dramatic divine interventions have happened on my behalf while, for one reason or another, I failed to recognize them only because they were not as obvious as some of the examples used in the original post. Perhaps my limitation is rooted in the inability to see the big picture as God Himself sees it and His evident willingness to supply needs I did not even know I had yet or had not even taken up in prayer. So perhaps many times He did supply my need in such a way as to protect my relatively fragile faith in times of crisis by keeping me from that crisis in the first place. But is that any better? Either way I am totally inadequate.
In the end, I simply have to not lean on my own understanding and just trust Him as He instructed.
I think many people feel that way, but are afraid to say so because as you say, "We are not supposed to feel that way," and they fear that they will be judged by others for feeling that way, and maybe lose favour with people they are close to.
I share that feeling too, in all the ways that you describe. When I look at my lot in life, and how utterly impoverished and imprisoned in many ways it can be hard not to. Then I think about what God has done for me, and continues to do for me, against the human odds of me not just surviving, but triumphing in faith. Without the goodness of God towards me, and the love of God, its a sure dunk that would not be true and my life could have taken a very different turn, or maybe even be over by now, if not for the love of God and his goodness towards me in those ways. Sometimes in poverty and/or affliction, the fact you reamin strong in faith, and are still moving heavenwards despite the odds, manifests the love of God and power of his goodness, in a way we don't see when we are richer or more blessed.
But yes, it can be easy for us to feel that way I think in whatever our circumstances.
Based on the comments as well as the emails I've received, it would seem I hit a nerve here. Good to know I'm not alone in this feeling. It's also good to know that we're (at least largely) in agreement that our feelings on the the topic do not accurately reflect the facts.
Now, I have to wonder ... in what other areas do we feel a certain way when the facts are actually different?
I have certainly felt that way at many times in my life, so you can add me to that crowd of commenters and emailers! I do think that God does a lot more for me than I recognize at such, especially at the time.
"Now, I have to wonder ... in what other areas do we feel a certain way when the facts are actually different?"
One thing I find I feel not just one time but multiple times, is that I have no purpose; are neither use nor ornament to God nor man. I think its the pecularity of my circumstances that makes for that. The isolation and aloneness along with incapcitation. But there again, the facts say different. God doesn't create any of us, or keep us here if we have no purpose. The devil tries to find our weak spots I think to try and make inroads, but it all comes down to taking every thought captive.
Bit of a late response, but better late than never! :-)
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