The Marriage Killer

What is it that kills a marriage? Is it infidelity or is it finances? Is it a failure to communicate or "irreconcilable differences"? I suspect it is something much more insidious. I suspect ... shhhh ... indifference.

"No, no," you all assure me, "indifference doesn't ruin marriages. It takes something much worse." And I might agree ... in part. It isn't always the cause, to be sure. And it may not be the ending point of a marriage, but it is certainly the beginning of the end. Think about it.

What are the most common reasons for marriages to fail? I'm sure if you and I listed them we'd come up with a fairly common list:

Poor communication
Financial problems
Infidelity

Sure, those are obvious. Others are equally obvious:

A lack of commitment to the marriage
A dramatic change in priorities
Failed expectations or unmet needs
Addictions and substance abuse
Physical, sexual or emotional abuse
Lack of conflict resolution skills

But I ask you, what marriage starts out with poor communication or infidelity or failed expectations or the like? They don't, do they? (At least, not generally.) No, no -- marriage starts out with people who can finish each others' sentences, with a couple who doesn't need money to live -- "We can live on love" -- and a pair who doesn't even see another person, let alone be attracted to them. So where do these things come from? I would argue, "Indifference."

Here's how it goes. The young couple starts out madly in love. They marry. They set up house together. They begin their lives as husband and wife. She waits on him hand and foot. He is dedicated to her comfort. It is a grand thing. This, of course, is not actually a sustainable condition. Passion can only be maintained for a time. After a time it becomes "comfortable." It's a friendly place to be ... not bad at all. The expectations aren't so high. "Madly in love" isn't all it's cracked up to be anyway. So he drops his clothes on the ground like he did at home and she sets up house the way she did at home. This is fine, just fine, certainly a tolerable way to live. She's no longer telling him what a great lover he is and he's no longer gushing about her beauty ... much more reasonable. Except that they still need those things. No one is saying it, but he still needs to be told he's wonderful and so does she. They don't, not because they don't think it, but because, well, they're becoming ... indifferent. It's not hate. It's not dislike. It's just ... indifference.

This kind of thing likely takes time, although varying people take varying amounts. More secure people may last a long time; less secure people will collapse sooner. But eventually there is not a soul on the planet that will not ask, "What changed?" The changes from indifference start to branch out. Not quite caring as much as at first, they don't work as hard at communicating. Not as passionately in love as before, they find they do need to eat ... and more. He finds that the neighbor lady is much more appreciative when he helps her than when he does stuff around the house. Maybe it's his secretary who is young and pretty and still sees him as a powerful man and tells him as much. Or perhaps it's the tennis pro who tells her she's really quite lovely. Those things -- those "little" things -- start to build up. They don't start out big generally. They build ... from indifference.

When the couple ends up in counseling or divorce court, it is not likely that "indifference" will be listed as the primary problem. He squeezes the toothpaste wrong (which is easily fixed if he cared about her feelings) and she doesn't support him in anything he does (which is easily fixed if she cared about his feelings) and, well, it's over. It didn't start with financial problems or communication difficulties or infidelity. Those are simply the end points of a couple who succumbed to indifference long before they caved into divorce.

Do you want a divorce-proof marriage? Sorry ... no such thing. But there are things you can do to make it much less likely. Try ... love. Try setting self aside and looking at life from her perspective. Try setting self aside and giving him what he needs. Try it. I suspect that a couple who makes a point of doing those little things, even when it is just duty rather than raw passion, will find a lifelong marriage much more sustainable. Indifference is the killer. Love is the answer. Not that warm passion you feel at the beginning, but the constant state of decision that says, "Your needs are of great importance to me. I want the best for you." It may not (will not) always be a bed of roses, but, oh, the rewards as time goes by. Ask any couple who has made a practice of it and been married for more than 25 years. Oh, yeah, that's a good thing.

Of course, there is the alternative. Try out today's theme song -- "I deserve better." See how long of a marriage that produces ...