Biblical Manhood -- Husband

When considering biblical manhood, there is the role of father and there is the role of husband. Our best example of what a husband is supposed to be is likely found in Christ as the Bridegroom. The Bible portrays the Church as the Bride of Christ. Paul likes to use this parallel when instructing husbands:

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for her, that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that He might present the Church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the Church, because we are members of His body. "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the Church (Eph. 5:25-32).

Before we start saying, "Husbands, you ought to ...", let's look at what it says about Christ. First, we see "Christ loved the Church." Second, we see that He "gave Himself up for her." There is a list of things that follow. He sanctifies her. He cleanses her by the washing of the water with the Word. He makes her "without spot or wrinkle." A little farther down Paul says Christ "nourishes and cherishes" the Church. There is, in fact, a profound mystery in the union of Christ and the Church.

How is all of this applicable to husbands? What does this tell us to do? Well, clearly it tells us to be overlords, masters, cruel taskmasters that drive our wives to submit and closely controls everything in her life. Or not. Somehow, even though there are some men who find that here, I find nothing of the sort.

"No, no," the other side will say, "husbands are to submit to their wives. It's a mutual submission thing. Men need to be more in touch with their feminine side. They need to be doormats if they are going to love their wives as God intended." Odd, I know, but neither do I find that there as well.

The command is, first and foremost, to love. The rest is an explanation of that love. It is multifaceted. And we'll examine it in a moment. But understand this; if a husband loves his wife the way this passage describes, no woman should have any reason to complain. "Submit" under these conditions (Eph. 5:22) would be a joy.

The love that husbands, then, are supposed to have for their wives is first and foremost a choice. It cannot be commanded if it is a feeling. Feelings will follow, but it is first off a choice. The primary characteristic of this choice is a setting aside of self. If you are thinking that loving your wife means getting what you want, you've already short-circuited love. If you believe that treating your wife well will result in her treating you well, you've already missed the idea. Christ "gave Himself up for her." So ought we. This love, then, is first a choice and second a choice that is seeking her best, not my own.

Loving her is largely involved with her entire well-being. It is mandatory that husbands be the primary spiritual influence in the home. Paul says of wives, "If there is anything they desire to learn, let them ask their husbands at home" (1 Cor. 14:35). If that doesn't give you husbands pause, you're not paying attention. You need to be prepared to answer every question your wife might have. It is your responsbility. You are to assist in her sanctification. You are to wash her with the water of the Word. You should be assisting her toward blamelessness.

Paul suggests in Ephesians 5 that this isn't really a difficult concept. You love yourself. Love her the same way. You feed yourself; make sure she gets fed. You clothe yourself; make sure she is clothed. You know your needs and try to meet them; make sure you know her needs and meet them. Peter says, "Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered" (1 Peter 3:7). You are to understand your wife. You are to be a student of your wife. Then, just as you carefully attend to your own needs, you can "nourish and cherish" her.

There are a couple of hitches that occur in this dialog. One I've already addressed -- some men tend to think this is permission to lord it over their wives. If you're seeing that, you don't understand love. One common thing you'll hear is exactly what God heard when He asked Adam how he had managed to sin: "It's that woman You gave me, Lord" (Gen. 3:12). Oh, no, we won't often put it that blatantly wrong. But it's common. "Me? Be the primary spiritual influence to her? You don't know my wife. She's _____" and there will be a list of reasons why that can't be. She's too godly or too stubborn or too smart or too stupid or ... a whole list of reasons. Can you imagine that coming from Christ? "Father, I want to love her, I want to sanctify her, I want to wash her with the Word, I want to meet her needs ... but have you seen her?" It won't be heard from Jesus's lips, and we are to imitate Him.

Husbands, love your wives. That means that you set your personal needs aside and seek her best interests. Sometimes that means giving her what she wants and sometimes it means withholding what she wants, but always it is a choice to seek her best. Her best is first and foremost tied up in her spiritual well-being. It's your responsibility to be intimately involved in that process. Most importantly, the model that Christ offers is the same concept of the first marriage: "The two shall become one." Intimacy -- a complete openness and sharing of all aspects -- is your responsibility as a husband. Husbands ... love your wives -- as Christ loved the Church.