Do We Really Need Fathers?

Have you seen this website? It's called Single Mothers By Choice. It is a website dedicated to providing "support and information to single women who are considering, or who have chosen, single motherhood." The site isn't too overbearing. It admits, "In general, our members feel that it is preferable to raise a child with two loving parents." The world around us, on the other hand, isn't so convinced, it seems.

Folks like Jennifer Aniston, Rosy O'Donnell, and a host of other celebrities have moved publicly to single parenthood by choice. The argument is that dads are optional ... often even a poor option. Societies in developed countries have marginalized men, either implying or stating outright that fathers are optional. The statistics are in, and it's not pretty. Since 2004, 31% of babies born in Australia have been born to single mothers. In the UK, 23% of the families with children are single mothers. The US is similar, with more than 22% of children living with mothers only.

The arguments are many. Men are scum. Lots of women are raising their families without husbands just fine. Besides, women are better suited to parenting than men. Too many men are just sperm donors. Why do they need to be in the picture at all?

The easy answer, of course, is the biblical one. The Bible considers fathers as having ultimate authority in all matters of the family. They are to teach their kids, discipline their kids, train their kids, nurture their kids. Even if they aren't the ones doing all this, they are the ones that God holds as responsible. If you were to put the question to the Bible, "Are fathers necessary?" the answer would be a loud, "YES!!" Of course, many people don't buy into the Bible's arguments, so are there other reasons to suggest that fathers are necessary?

What is it like for kids who grow up without their fathers in their lives? The statistics in this area are staggering. Kids (male and female) tend to engage in sexual activity at a much younger age. Insurance companies will tell you that children who live at home with their mothers and birth fathers have a much lower rate of illness or injury than those who don't. Drug and alcohol use in kids without fathers is highly increased. Children without fathers have a much higher tendency toward suicide, psychological and emotional problems, and problems at school. Contrary to what one might think, boys without fathers have a higher tendency to violent behavior. Without fathers there is greater likelihood of rape, criminal behavior, lack of achievement, divorce, and poverty. And there is much more:

63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes (Source: U.S. D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census)
90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes
85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes (Source: Center for Disease Control)
80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes (Source: Criminal Justice & Behavior, Vol 14, p. 403-26, 1978.)
71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes (Source: National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools.)
75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes (Source: Rainbows for all God's Children.)
70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes (Source: U.S. Dept. of Justice, Special Report, Sept 1988)
85% of all youths sitting in prisons grew up in a fatherless home (Source: Fulton Co. Georgia jail populations, Texas Dept. of Corrections 1992)

Biblically, fathers are necessary. Statistically, fathers are necessary. And still the question gets asked, "Why are fathers necessary?"

It seems patently obvious, but one of the first things to consider in the question is the sharing of labor. No one could rationally question the fact that it's easier for two people to take care of a child than it is for one. It's a no-brainer. That, of course, simply calls for two people. Why does one of them have to be the father? Well, one of the arguments is that it is necessary for fathers to be around to teach boys how to be men. This seems like a given. Perhaps it is a silly illustration, but when you ask, "What can men do that women can't?", one of the answers is "Men can throw a ball like a man." Who teaches that boy to throw a ball like a boy instead of like a girl? Not a woman. This principle carries over into all facets of life. But, while it is accurate to say that fathers teach boys to be men, it is incomplete. It also takes mothers to teach boys how to be men. It takes mothers to teach girls how to be women and it takes fathers to teach girls how to be women. Fathers teach their sons on issues of manliness, but mothers teach their sons on issues of relating to women. Fathers "ruggedize" their sons while mothers "civilize" them. Both are necessary. Conversely, mothers teach their daughters to be ladies, but fathers teach them how to relate to men. It is a common perception that women tend to marry men like their fathers. Kids need both parents.

Here's the bottom line. (Hold on to your hats; this may be bumpy.) A home comprised of father and mother is better than a home with a single parent (or even a home with a parent and step-parent). We don't like to voice that. It seems like a slap in the face to all those single mothers out there working so hard to raise their families. (Why is it that no one seems concerned about all those single fathers out there ... who are not a small number and who are a growing demographic?) I think you'll find that the first ones to agree with my bottom-line statement are single mothers. Most aren't single mothers because they think it's best. Most are single mothers because they either had no alternative (he died or left) or felt they had no alternative. The failure of some men to be fathers is not relevant to the discussion. It is always the case that a home comprised of a good father and a good mother is always better than a home with a good single parent. Kids need both parents. Dad, Mom, let's keep that in mind as we relate to each other and our kids. And parents, don't let society tell you anything different. It's a lie.