For some reason, we have this stereotype that says, "It's always the man's fault." More correctly, "men are evil." It occurred to me the other day. My wife and I were eating a meal in a public place when a man came in with three young girls. It didn't look like the girls were related. Instead, they all appeared to be about the same age. My wife said, "It's funny. When we were kids my dad would take us girls camping and no one thought anything about it. Today, the first thought when you see something like that is 'child molester'."
Now, I don't know if she was right, but I do know that perceptions have changed, and "men are evil". In days gone by, a father alone with his two sons would be "a good father spending time with his boys", but today it's "a lousy, divorced father trying to get his kids not to hate him by spending a meager weekend with them." And so it goes.
Here, try my little test. I'll give you some statistics. You draw your own conclusions. In 1980, for every wife that divorced her husband, 600 husbands divorced their wives. In 1990, for every husband that divorced his wife, 12 wives divorced their husbands. Your conclusion? Here's what I suspect. The majority of people today would conclude something like this. "Well, in days gone by men were dogs and left their wives for something younger or better. Now women have become empowered to leave their lousy husbands and move on with their lives." In other words, very few would conclude that the men were right in 1980 and wrong in 1990. Instead, in both cases the men were at fault.
It isn't just a guess. I have this same stereotype hanging about. A man (non-family) interested in a junior high boy is not interested in helping the kid out; he's likely interested in molesting him. Watch out! Men are the cause of nearly all divorces; they're just lousy people. Women tend to be good wives; men tend to be bad husbands. Women do all they can to save a marriage; men hardly lift a finger. These are my stereotypes -- I'm recognizing that they're wrong -- but I would guess that they are common stereotypes.
I don't think it's fair to characterize a group of people like this. I don't think it's fair of me. I know it's not fair of you. (Okay, going for a laugh, there.) I suspect that in 99% of all failed marriages, it is a mutual failure, not the man's fault alone. I suspect that there are actually men who want to be involved in their children's lives. It is my suspicion that some husbands are good husbands, that not all men with little girls in their company are child molesters, and that men are not worse than women in general. Maybe, if we start changing our stereotypes, people can start working in positive directions rather than fighting false negative perceptions. Just maybe.
3 comments:
Now, see, the problem is not the statistics, but the questions.
There is a neat site somewhere in Cyberland that has all the stats for Christian people and what they think about different things.
I find it very sad that there are not that many surveys that actually agree in their findings.
I heard somewhere that even though we have a 50% divorce rate, only about 10% of divorces are a result of adultery.
And, dear bro, it takes two to tango. Agreed, it is a mutual failure. Sadly, no one these days wants to take responsibity for their own actions but wants to lay the blame on everything from burnt toast to roving eyes to falling out of love. I find that extremely disturbing.
Just think of the stereotype of a woman teacher who molests a student compared to a man teacher who does the same! Of course, both are hideous acts - but the outrage is much less over a woman (and in some ways I believe they are actually celebrated in the media).
I think you know, Stan, that my kids attend a Christian school. I know several families there that won't allow their daughters to spend the night at someone's house unless the female parent is at home (not out of town on business, etc) - yet they have no such rule for their boys if the male parent were out of town!
And lastly, I have to admit that I allow myself to feel self-aware of the stereotypes at times. If I take my daughters to the mall or out to eat and my wife is out of town, I always feel like people are looking at us and thinking, "what a shame, that's probably a divorced dad out with his kids." And, I have to admit, I sometimes wonder that very same thing when I see men out with their kids and no wife in sight!
It's hard to change stereotypes - even when you know they're wrong.
At the liberal arts college I attended several of the girls I knew had a sort of catch phrase: "All men are bastards". By the end of freshman year I had at least gotten them to say "present company excluded", or something to that effect. Small victories, I guess. Anyway, your point is well taken.
Post a Comment