News Weakly - 9/16/2026

No Bias Here
A U.N. fact-finding mission determined that the U.S. “committed war crimes” in its war with Iran when a Tomahawk missile struck a school in Minab. They say the U.S. “committed the war crime of launching indiscriminate attacks resulting in the loss of life or injury to civilians or damage to civilian objects.” Obviously, unlike Iran, a peace-loving nation that only wants to defend itself by blowing up civilian ships and firing at other noncombatants. Those are not “war crimes.” Why? Apparently solely because the U.S. didn’t do those attacks. No bias here.

Nothing to See Here
OpenAI was planning to go public this year, but decided against it since CEO Sam Altman is concerned about its safety after July’s report that their AI attacked other AIs. What could go wrong, right?

No Harm, No Foul? Or Harm, No Foul?
Russia continues to launch drone strikes against civilian targets in Ukraine. And the U.N. fact-finding mission loudly … sounded like crickets. Again, it’s Russia, not the U.S. doing it, so it is definitely not “war crimes.” Only white people can be racist, and only the U.S. can commit war crimes. Try to keep up, people.

More Fake News That Never Got Printed
Climate activists are blaming global warming for the fact that no hurricanes formed in the Atlantic this season. “Any change is bad.” Right? In another story, the Barna group did a survey and discovered that a majority of Christians are planning to replace the Holy Spirit with ChatGPT by 2028. That makes sense—trading off the third person of the Trinity sent to lead us into all truth for a piece of software that doesn’t have any idea of truth or morality. I know … the story is satire … but I’m afraid it’s too close to being actual. Finally, the Bee reports that a dyslexic California Governor Newsom is proudly celebrating the $1.87 gas prices in his state (which are, according to the story, actually $7.81). The story of course is nonsense because the cost of fuel in California is currently only $6.04 for regular gas and $8.26 for diesel, so that story is clearly bogus.

Must be true; I read it on the internet.