"Hang on a minute, Stan, didn't you just do that?" Actually, no, I didn't. Here's why.
My wife likes Oldies, so we were listening to some 60's and 70's music and I heard the old, "Chevy Van." Written by Sammy Johns in 1973, it's about this guy who invites a girl to ride in his Chevy van where, after awhile, she "took me by the hand. We made love my in my Chevy van and that's all right with me." And I thought, "No, you didn't."
The phrase, "make love," first showed up in the 16th century. It meant to pay amorous attention to, to court, to woo. The idea was that people had to build this product we call "love." So you did the things that would get the attention of the one you wanted to connect with. You gave gifts, spent time, said the right things, did the right things. You romanced them. The result, you would hope, was that they would grow to love you and you could make a lifelong connection that was known as "marriage." That was "making love." Of course, as is often the case among humans, at some point it became less about the work of romancing to make a connection and more about the process of consumating the connection -- sex. So the guy and the girl in the Chevy van were not working to make a connection; they were working to complete the transaction and, as in most such cases today, end the connection.
It's unfortunate. By changing "making love" from the work to make a relationship thrive to the act of having sex, we've managed to cheapen both love and sex. Today's media would have us believe that every romance must include sex and love without sex either doesn't exist or isn't of any value. But love, for believers, is a command rather than an emotion. It is, as such, work; something we need to do. It isn't about self-gratification or even warm feelings, but the act of seeking the best for others without regard for self. That love is something we need to make. But it's so foreign that we don't recognize it anymore. To our own disgrace.
6 comments:
Great point. Our culture focuses too much on the magical connection concept of love, and not nearly enough on the hard work part of love.
As the great theologian Toby Mac once said, "Love is a verb.".
That term changed fast, because the Danny Kay's Court Jester in the 50s, is told to make love with the princess, but by that meant to woo her. While it is inevitable for language to shift, it is a shame that in the process we lose the ability to communicate what it used to mean.
This conversation makes me reconsider whether or not arranged marriages are a bad thing. If loving someone is a process, then it seems as though we could be able to love virtually anyone.
I too love the Golden Oldies--the music of my youth. I don’t recall that particular song offhand, but I know of plenty others like it (including this cringeworthy ditty I heard the other day: “Do You Want to Make Love or Do You Just Want to Fool Around?”). Our culture really does confuse love and sex and blurs making and breaking those connections, as you point out. It’s a natural outcome of moving the physical expression of love out of the confines of marriage. I remember this saying from a while back: “Men give love to get sex; women give sex to get love.” We might think “that’s so true!” but it highlights an improper motivation for both men and women and certainly a false dichotomy within marriage. I am so glad that, as a follower of the One who demonstrated sacrificial love to all mankind, I can know the proper motivation for making love a good work in my life (note the wordplay there in that last part :).
Craig, given that love is a verb, as you pointed out, and a command, it would seem a given that we should be able to love any spouse we have. Beyond that, it might be helpful if someone (say, loving parents) who care and are wise would select a good spouse for their son or daughter. Unfortunately, of course, it gets tangled up in abuse (marriage for status/money/pride) and such, but the principle is sound ... and biblical. (When I was of the age to marry, I actually asked my parents to pick a bride for me. They never did, but I trusted their judgment.)
Stan,
I agree that, especially as believers, that we should be able to love anyone. While I didn't go that far, I certainly wouldn't have gotten married to anyone who didn't have the full approval of my parents. I do think that something that is or could be good, arranged marriages, has been corrupted by exactly the sorts of things you mention.
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