Not-So-Secret Messages

Humans have various ways to communicate. We can write and read. That's unique in that animals can't do it. We talk to each other and even listen. We have what we all know as "body language". You know how that works. A nod, a shake of the head, a way of holding your eyes or your mouth or some other expression, and so many other forms of bodily expression speak volumes without words. Indeed, some suggest that the new trend that is replacing texting (you know, using words ... or mostly words) is sending photos. An app called Snapchat is popular and, while texting is dropping, sending photos is rising. (I read the other day of a young girl who says she rarely texts, but sends perhaps 50 to 100 photos a day to communicate with her friends.) Why? "Because photos capture emotion." You know, a picture is worth a thousand words. Without offering an opinion about all of this, I'm simply pointing out that we send not-so-secret messages all the time.

Communication is complicated because these messages are often subliminal. They're not overt. They may not even be conscious. The young fellow enamored with this vision of loveliness that he has just met is not aware that by staring longingly into her eyes with rapt attention to her every word is speaking volumes to everyone around him. So often we are communicating either in a way that we ourselves are not aware of or in a way that is not being received because the one for whom it is intended is not getting it. As my wise mother taught me, communication is tenuous at best.

One place that we're communicating without likely being aware of it is in the bedroom. Sex, you see, is its own not-so-secret language. And while we might think we know this, the problem occurs in that men and women speak different languages in this venue. I know, I know, that's not what the media is telling us. Gender is fluid, they assure us. The much-vaunted cry for "gender equality" sounds regularly from our societal loudspeakers, so much so that much of our society these days is confused by just what "gender equality" means. The original notion was "equal worth", something certainly necessary to argue for. Today it means more like "equal" -- no differences. So the elites are now arguing that masculine and feminine are the same thing or, rather, meaningless and that "he" and "she" are no more necessary than the singular "they" or the newly popular "ze", two pronouns offered to embrace either both genders simultaneously or none at all¹. The truth is that the two genders, like the two sexes, are different and everyone knows it.

As it turns out, men and women "speak a different language" in the bedroom. Now, that isn't really a surprise, is it? I mean, we all knew it, didn't we? So while the primarily male-driven porn industry is trying to convince society that males and females experience sexual desire and sexual response the same way, we all know that's not true. Men see sex as its own end. Sex is its own statement. In the dim reaches of the male mind sexual relations say something in and of themselves. More importantly, the refusal of sexual relations say something just as certain. To women, sexual relations are only part of an entire vocabulary of love. To the female mind, kind words, romance, gifts, sharing, touches, caresses, time together, warmth, intimacy (beyond sex), openness, and so much more are all part of the language that says, "I love you" -- easily as much as if not more than the act of sex does.

Okay, so what's my point? I mean, I'm not likely telling you something you don't know here. "And, really, Stan, what does this have to do with anything vaguely biblical?" Yeah, I hear you. Here it is. You will note that the commands in the Bible (See? I was going to work it in here.) for husbands and for wives are different. (That, by the way, ought to give someone defending "same-sex marriage" as if it's biblically acceptable pause.) Wives are told, "Be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord" (Eph 5:22), to "see to it that she respects her husband" (Eph 5:33), and to submit "even if any of them are disobedient to the word" (1 Peter 3:1). Husbands are commanded to "love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her" (Eph 5:25), "to love his own wife even as himself" (Eph 5:33), to "live with your wives in an understanding way" (1 Peter 3:7) and "show her honor" (1 Peter 3:7). These are not the same commands. There is, however, a mutual command:

The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another (1 Cor 7:3-5)

Now, remember, men and women have different languages in the bedroom. And we have different commands from God for husbands and for wives. These commands are not limited to the bedroom, but when you couple them to the mutual command about sex between husband and wife, perhaps you can begin to see my point. Wives are to submit; husbands are to love. Wives are to respect; husbands are to understand. Both are to fulfill their sexual "duty"; neither has authority over their own bodies. So "stop depriving one another."

My question, then, is this. You may not be aware of it, but what are you telling your spouse in the bedroom? Husbands, when you aim to express your love by sex without regard to the language she speaks, what are you telling her? "I don't care; I just want what I want. You don't count." Is that what you wish to express? Wives, when you withhold sex from your husband for whatever reason, what are you telling him? "I don't care; I just want what I want. You don't count." Funny. Different "words", but the same message. And, more than likely, not the intended message. (At least, hopefully not.)

Husbands, we are commanded to understand our wives. And, oh, by the way, you don't have authority over your body. So honor her by loving her in a sacrificial way. Communicate that love to her in a language she understands. Wives, you are commanded to submit to your husband and respect him. And, oh, by the way, you don't have authority over your body. Communicate that submission and respect in a language he understands.

It's a funny thing. I'm pretty sure this narrow expression that I've offered isn't all God meant with His commands for wives to submit and husbands to love, but it sure seems to fit, doesn't it? I'm sure He meant much more than communication in the bedroom. But I'm pretty sure He meant that as well. So just what are you trying to tell your spouse with the way you approach sexual intimacy? Is it in a language he or she understands? Have you even considered that you don't speak the same language? Something to think about?

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¹ I recently read a story from Mills college, an all-girl college (Why can they have all-girl colleges, but not "all-men" anything?) where a particular club meets with introductions and an expression of their "PGP" - preferred gender pronoun. Remember, this is an all-girl school. More and more people "identify in some way outside the binary" in gender terms.