Aretha Franklin sang, "R-E-S-P-E-C-T, that is what it means to me." That is what what means to me? What is respect?
The regular starting point for answering that question is the dictionary, of course. There isn't a lot of variation here -- "deference", "esteem", "honor", "regard for", that sort of thing. It's pretty clear. Not a lot of controversy. Unless, of course, you examine the idea rather than the simple definition. Unless, of course, you examine the biblical concept. Now that is something different.
In Eph 5:31 husbands are commanded to love their wives as their own bodies and wives are commanded to respect their husbands. The biblical word there is just ... well ... wrong. No, not wrong, but certainly unexpected. The word is phobeo. It is rooted in -- get this -- genuine fear. It is our root for the word "phobia". It is fear. Now, the word can be used of terror or that sort of paralyzing fear, but consider that just prior to this wives were commanded to "submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord" (Eph 5:22). Thus, this "fear" would be the same type of fear afforded God. In fact, if you look up the New Testament use of the phrase "fear the Lord" or the like, you will find the same word there. Now, clearly we're not called to be paralyzed in terror of God. So, what? Most Bibles are happy to translate this concept as "reverential awe". And lest "awe" be diluted by today's mindless "totally awesome, dude", the dictionary will tell you that "awe" means "an overwhelming feeling of reverence, admiration, fear, etc.". "Awe is "an emotion variously combining dread, veneration, and wonder that is inspired by authority or by the sacred or sublime". In biblical respect, then, there remains a sense of dread or fear, but not one that stops you from functioning. Instead, it informs your emotional response. It is a fear of violating the desires of the one respected. That kind of thing.
Now, down to the application of this concept. You see, I started this because I've heard from husbands, "I don't feel like my wife respects me." It appears fairly common, in fact. It even exists in cases that I think the wives would say, "But, I do respect you." So I was all set to write this to correct wives for failing to respect their husbands. Notice that I said "I was ..." No longer.
Look, guys, read the passage. Show me the portion that says, "Husbands, make sure your wife respects you." Funny thing. It's not in there. And I don't know about you, but I'm already pretty busy trying to plug the holes I have in my own responsibility of "love your wife as Christ loved the Church". Oh, that's really big, guys.
Having said that, it appears to me that women and men do not have the same vision of "respect". Lots of women say they respect their husbands. So why don't husbands feel respected? Is it possible that the two concepts -- women respecting men and men feeling respected -- are not the same thing? So, Christian women who are interested in being what God commands you to be, may I suggest something? Find out what "respect" looks like and do it.
There's an interesting little fact down here at the bottom. If you examine the needs of most women, their highest desire is to be loved. If you examine the needs of most men, their highest desire is to be respected. Isn't that funny? Okay, maybe "funny" isn't the right word. Maybe God is just really, really smart. So, men, if you'd like to have a more smoothly operating relationship with your wife, love her. No, not the way that you think of love. Love her the way that she thinks of love. And wives, here's a little secret. The husband that feels as if his wife respects him is the happiest, most loving, most responsive husband you'll ever see. Just a helpful hint to both.
5 comments:
I've always felt, because I was raised to believe, that one must earn the respect of others. Respect is not something that is automatically given "just because". The "gangstas" always speak in terms of being "disrespected". Boo-hoo. They obviously don't spend much time thinking about how they might earn the respect of others (I would contend that proper word usage could be one area to begin the process).
I think my wife respects me. One would have to ask her. She does tell me she loves me and not always my saying "I love you." That is more important to me as that is the vow we each took. We are all commanded to love our neighbors and we do take that vow with our spouses (though her vow to love me is not for me to worry over as much as is my vow to her).
I don't recall "respect" being on the list of vows taken at our wedding. I'd have to find the vows and I don't know where they are. But imagine having to respect someone who otherwise gives you no reason to do so!
What's more, I don't know how common it is that anyone could spend a few moments and realize that there isn't much about which one should give one's own self too much respect. For myself, I can only get so far before running into something that provokes shame and/or regret instead.
Marshall, you bring up an interesting point. "Respect is earned, not given." That's what we're told. That's what we believe. That's not what Eph 5:31 says. Indeed, when overlaid with 1 Peter 3, wives are to respect husbands "even if some do not obey the word".
It's a concept we learned in the military. "You don't have to respect the man, but you have to respect the rank." Wives are to submit to their husbands "as to the Lord", so it's not a matter of having a good husband but a recognition of a God-given position -- a God-given rank. (Interestingly, the biblical word for "submit" is a military term meaning "to rank under".) God commands wives to submit to and respect their husbands regardless of whether or not their husbands earn it. It isn't about their husbands. It's about submission to and respect for God, remembering that "there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God" (Rom 13:1).
Is it hard to respect a position when the person is not respectable? Yes, I would say so. Does "hard" make it suitable, then, to ignore? I think the answer is obvious.
Very good. And I often think of that military aspect when I hear the word used. It's a fair, and I think accurate, distinction, to say that the admonition is to respect the "rank" of husband more so than the husband himself, particularly if the husband acts in a manner that is opposite from what we would regard as "respectable" behavior. Our duties as spouses aren't primarily based on the character of the person we've married, but on the vows we take which should in some way align with the verses to which you refer. (Of course if we choose our mates carefully...)
"Our duties as spouses aren't primarily based on the character of the person we've married"
So true. I would suggest, however, that our duties are not simply described by the vows we take, but by the commands God gives. A wife, for instance, who never vowed to obey her husband because that's no longer acceptable in today's vows is still obligated by God's command to do so.
I was struck a couple of decades ago by the size of the task assigned to husbands. "Love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her" (Eph 5:25). At first it was easy. You know, I fancied that if a burglar came it would be my duty to stand between her and him -- to give myself up for her. It was only later when I realized what the church was doing when Christ gave Himself up for her that I realized how big it was and how little it had to do with the "character of the person we've married". Imagine, for instance, that burglar scenario. Imagine that you had just spent the last week arguing. She told you she hated you. She was tired of you. She thought of you as no man at all. She was trapped in this marriage, sure, but she was waiting eagerly for the day that you would die. And in comes this threat. Now what husband is likely to "give himself up for her"? It is the command of God that husbands give themselves up for their wives regardless of their character. That's big. And I don't think you'll find that in the vows. :)
Indeed. I've often focused on that part about "as Christ loved His church". And how much did He love His church? He allowed Himself to be scourged and crucified. That ain't no walk in the park.
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