My wife and I were visiting friends out of state last year. My wife invited them to come visit sometime. "We can put you up," she told them. I quipped, "Of course, some of you will have to decide who gets the bed and who sleeps on the futon" because, of course, some of the couples were not married. "Really?" one asked, amazed."You wouldn't let them sleep in the same bed just because they're not married?" The words weren't added, but the implication was clear. "How rude! How archaic! How puritan! How judgmental!"
It is a common problem for me and those like me. We are viewed as judgmental, as meddlesome, as outdated and morally indignant. In fact, none of these apply. (To be fair, I would guess that they do apply to some, but I specified "me and those like me".) We are viewed as killjoys interested in invading others' enjoyment for no good reason. This is farthest from the truth. But getting this across seems to be pretty nearly impossible.
In the Bible we read a variety of rules and commands from God. I see two factors here. First, God is God. That means that what He says goes. He is the Creator, the Master of the Universe, the Big Boss. He gets to tell His creation what to do. On that basis, it would be a bad idea to violate what He says. On the other hand, I do not believe God to be a cosmic killjoy, making creatures for the purpose of limiting their fun and cutting off their happiness. So I do not believe for a single instant that the rules and commands we have received are simply arbitrary. They are not intended at all to be rude, archaic, judgmental, meddlesome, or less than pleasant. I believe that, as the Maker, He knows what makes the creature work best and has, therefore, laid out instructions. I see His commands as a User's Manual, a guide from the manufacturer on the proper care and use of the product we call "the human being". "Do these things and you'll get the best results. Don't do those things or you'll damage it. Follow these instructions and you will get optimum pleasure and use out of your device."
Given this view, I am completely stuck here. You see, there are lots of people about whom I care a lot. I want them to have optimum pleasure in life. More importantly, I do not want to see them run afoul of the Creator. A possible loss of pleasure is nothing compared to the wrath of God. So I want to live and speak in such a way that they would have the best possible outcome -- avoid the wrath of God and enjoy the optimum life. That, however, gets me labeled as rude, meddlesome, and judgmental. The fact that they disagree with me on what is optimum is beside the point. My motivation is their best interest and my source document is from the Manufacturer Himself. I can be pretty confident, then, that it's right.
I've often used the analogy of a fictional arsenic user. This arsenic user is a friend, someone you care about. He is coming to visit and you're looking forward to the visit and it's good. He tells you, "Be sure to have lots of arsenic on hand because you know how much I like the stuff." And you, as a warm and non-meddling and certainly non-judgmental friend provide him with bottles of the stuff, right? Well, I would hope not. Not if you care about your friend. Of course, what people tell me when I use this analogy is "I'm not drinking arsenic." And therein lies the problem. In our analogy, the user likes arsenic. He doesn't know or doesn't believe or, at least, doesn't care if arsenic is killing him. Sure, you know and care, but he doesn't. And that's the point. That's the problem.
Sins are not "bad things we do". They aren't violations of a moral code. They aren't transgressions of someone's perception of right and wrong. They aren't "socially unacceptable acts". They aren't part of a cultural ethos. It is so hard to get that across. Sin is Man's message to his Maker: "I don't care what You want!" Sin is a violation of what the Creator says is right and an assault on the Master Himself. When it comes down to it, drinking arsenic would be much safer than this kind of activity. Arsenic would only kill you. Jesus said, "Do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear Him who can destroy both soul and body in hell." Now that is a frightening thing.
How do I get that across? How do I warn people that I care about? How do I get across that they're not merely "doing bad things"? "Bad things" would simply be a violation of my ideas, my morals, of someone's opinion of right and wrong. But this stuff isn't "bad things". This stuff does real harm the likes of which they are often no more aware than our arsenic user is of the damage his habit is causing him. Worse, it puts them in the path of a God who, if He is righteous and just, is obligated to be angry. And it's a terrifying thing to fall into the hands of an angry God. So how do I express this stuff without coming across as merely rude, judgmental, or meddlesome? It is no small matter. "Just ignore it" seems to be really bad advice. What do you recommend?
5 comments:
I once had to service equipment at a company owned by Christians. I knew they were Christians because at their front door, just as you are entering their business, there is a sign posted that says they are Christians and abide God's Will and expect others who enter to do the same. (It's been awhile since I was there, so I don't recall the exact wording.)
The point here is that it was made clear that they are totally into the faith in a real and tangible manner, including directing what goes on under their roof. If that understanding is made clear, then there is no "judging" of any particular visitor going on. It compels visitors to consider what God's Will is and that they are expected to abide it and not the will of the host, though it matches God's.
And really, it shouldn't be out of the question for any visitor to have a "When in Rome..." (or "when in Stan's..") attitude, simply out of courtesy. The offer is made for accommodations at your expense.
So, if a person about whom I care is not coming to my house, I should ignore the damage their sin causes them and others? (I asked that as a clearly ridiculous question in order to find out what you meant.)
No. I don't believe one should ignore the sinful behavior of those friends NOT invited to spend the night, but I thought that was the question being asked, though I see I was wrong as I re-read the end of the post.
But, I would think that the closer you are to a person, the more likely you could find a moment to ask them about what they are doing. Perhaps one on one. I just watched a video at Neil's made by Ray Comfort. I know some folks don't much care for his tactics, but I think he does get people thinking. In the vid, at the end, he does what I've seen him do in other videos, where he asks the people if they've ever told a lie, stolen anything, lusted after another and several other things. He then makes the connection between those behaviors and God's Will regarding those behaviors. Generally, the people with whom he has these conversations are not really hard core people of faith, if they're people of faith at all. But anyone who claims to be whilst carrying on a lifestyle that is clearly in conflict with the faith, it should be relatively easy to approach them on that level. Again, how easy depends on just how close to the person you might be.
As an aside, I have heard of a story whereby a couple had broken up after being refused an apartment (or room) when the landlord found they weren't married. He told them it was something he couldn't do as a Christian (provide a room for a couple living in sin). The dude began to reflect on his life as a result, but the chick didn't see a problem. He wanted to make things right and she wanted to maintain. They broke up. I don't have a problem with that.
There was more than one question along these lines, so I thought I'd just mention that I was thinking in this question about people I know, not strangers on the street. I was asking about family members, close associates, people with whom there is a personal relationship of some sort. Expressing to the world at large that they are sinning and endangering their lives is a different beast. Expressing it to the people about whom I care and with whom I have a relationship is what I had in mind.
I missed this post before the DNA, looked only shortly, but did not read carefully. I think I have similar issues in my life as you. I am an INTJ personality, so judgment comes naturally to me, compared to the P types especially. This is how I was built. I ran many times into the accusation of being judgmental, but if I do not fill my role in the Church according to my gifts, than I fail. So I think there is no other choice, but to take courage and face the risk of making mistakes. Work hard on learning how to do serve better, fine tuning definitions, processes methods, mentality.
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