The Sky is Falling

There is a crisis upon us. For some reason, some are skeptical. I admit it; I'm one. But I'm obviously wrong. Everyone but me, apparently, knows that there is a global climate crisis. Ask anyone. Ask Al Gore. He'll tell you that anyone who denies it is the equivalent of those who deny that America put a man on the moon or that the world is round. (Seriously, that is his accusation.) No, no, there isn't a thinking, informed person on the planet that doubts that we're all doomed.

No, I guess that's not right. But that's only because they don't actually know the extent of the crisis. According to an article in the Telegraph, "Carbon emissions from developing countries will result in a climate crisis within a generation." Twenty years, they say. If the northern hemisphere -- the developed nations -- managed to immediately eliminate all emissions, "Within 20 years they will be producing more CO2 than the rich industrialised countries." We are without hope.

And what would it take to eliminate the problems the developed nations are causing? One article tells us everything that will be required to solve the problem. Let's see what they have in mind. We need to make our houses so energy efficient that we could heat them with a candle. We need to eliminate electricity usage. Flat-screen TVs and dryers are out of the question. The remaining power requirements must be clean power. Al Gore's group, We Can Solve It, assures us we'll need to spend trillions to change to clean power. We'll need to stop cross-country trucking and settle for local products only. And no one is saying it, but we all know that one of the primary problems is methane, and we all know that cows produce an unbelievable amount of methane, so we'll need to eliminate beef entirely. Sure, the extinction of a species is extreme, but the world is at stake here. Beyond that, we'll have to eliminate the global community and develop small, local communes. Socialism is the answer here. That and a measure leap backward. No industry. No automobiles. No travel. Communism, really, with everyone getting along with simple food and no income. Really ... you'll love it.

Paul Epstein from Harvard has some other suggestions. Cooking food is a bad idea. Anything at all that uses fossil fuels or produces carbon will be a problem. You'll need to stop driving and ride your bike. Life won't be as comfortable unfortunately because we'll be giving up things like "carpets, paints, fertilizers and pesticides." And listen, while we're at it, we have got to give up plastics. I mean, seriously, you all know that plastics are an eternal environmental nightmare.

Maybe that's too extreme. Maybe all we need to do is eliminate George Bush. That's what a lot of people seem to think. The current president is standing in the way. You see, whatever the problems are, it's America's fault, and whatever America is doing wrong, it's apparently President Bush's fault. Well, it's certainly not Al Gore's fault. I mean, he's the good guy who told us about the problem. Sure, he's still producing the same amount of emissions as before. He still lives in a home that consumes 20 times the energy of the average American home, still flies in private jets, and still drives in SUVs, but he's concerned about the problem, so he's off the hook. You see, you don't really have to do anything about it; you just have to be concerned. You know, like the Kyoto Treaty. It's a wonderful plan. You don't actually have to change anything. You can just be concerned enough to pay someone else to change. Like buying "carbon credits."

The ironic thing is this. If the whole crisis is a crock, we'll never know it. See, here's what will happen. The Earth will stop its warming because it hit the top of its natural cycle and is now cooling again (and watch out for the "Global Cooling" and "There's an Ice Age coming!" calls). We'll never know that it was a natural cycle. Al Gore will pat himself on the back and assure us all that he not only invented the Internet ... he also saved the Earth. All the "Global Climate Crisis" alarmists will say, "Whew! We did it! We averted the problem. Good thing we were so loud." And who can say that they didn't? We're easily swayed by "2500 scientists who signed the IPCC (Inter-Governmental Panel on Climate Change) Report" and we're swayed by what everyone else is saying. (And, please, don't start that "But lots of them have sued because they didn't intend to sign it" stuff. We can't be bothered with facts here.) How can we deny that they didn't save the universe? Well, it's just a good thing that we have our Chicken Littles around here to set things right.

(What do you think? Too much sarcasm? Maybe. But every once in a while ...)