A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (Prov. 15:1).Most of us have heard the verse. I've been told I'm a master at it. Since I was young, I've used that "soft answer" approach to avoid all sorts of problems.
I remember when my brother and I were on the patio folding newspapers for our paper route. The neighborhood bully came to the gate and called in to us. He wanted me to come out so he could beat me up. In my bravest voice I told him it would be kind of stupid for me to come out and get beat up, wouldn't it? And he left me alone. A soft answer, and I avoided a sure beating.
Then there was the time when I was working as a security supervisor for a grocery warehouse. I got the call that one of the workers at the produce warehouse had to be escorted off the property. He was causing problems. Oh, and he was a gang member ... and on drugs. (Oh, but he was a union member, so a lost day of work was all they could do. But that's a different topic.) Of course, someone in uniform with a badge was the last thing this guy wanted to see. When I showed up, he was ranting and raving to his supervisor at the unfairness of the situation ... without actually using reasonable terms like "unfairness." When he saw me he upped the volume. He proceeded to get in my face and explain to me all the various body parts he planned to remove from me and where he would stick them. When he paused for effect, I inserted, as calmly as possible, my input. "Look, it's not likely that I could stop you, so if you plan to do all that, go ahead. However, I want you to know that when you do, youll be arrested and put away for as long as possible, you'll lose your job, and I'll sue you for everything you have or will ever own." He looked at me for a moment, looked at his supervisor, and walked away without laying a finger on me. A soft answer, and I avoided a sure beating.
I considered myself the king of the soft answer for a long time. Then one day I learned that I had completely missed the point. Solomon didn't suggest a soft answer as a self-defense technique. The purpose of turning away wrath is not to simply deflect anger, but to connect with the person. Like just about everything in God's perspective, our job isn't about self, but about connections -- how we relate to Him and to others.
Doing the right thing for the wrong reason is the equivalent of doing the wrong thing. Why we do what we do is important. Imagine my chagrin when I discovered what I believed to be a positive in my column was actually a negative. I thought I was doing the right thing and here I was being self-centered and self-defensive.
I've worked on it since. It is my goal, when I wield the soft answer, to use it to displace anger and leave open the dialog. Self-defense is a reflex, so I'm not always going to get it right. Still, it's my goal. I will try to turn aside wrath to encourage relationships.
"Why" matters.
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