We Americans (and, I'm sure, much of the rest of the world) are a romantic lot, it seems. We have Harlequin and we have Hallmark and we have Valentine's Day and all that. Everyone knows that the only correct and viable reason for any two people to marry is love. That's quite obvious. But ... is it?
In Paul's letter to Titus, he urges Titus to have older women teach younger women (that's quite a chain) to "love their husbands and children" (Titus 2:4) (among other things). In his letter to Ephesus, he commanded husbands to "love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her" Eph 5:25). Clearly, in Scripture, love and marriage go together. The only question I have is ... are we talking about the same thing? You see, when we say, "Always marry for love," what we're actually talking about is that romantic feeling, that heart-thumping emotion that steals our breath away and leaves our heads spinning. Marry for that love. It seems, however, quite outrageous to command wives to "love their husbands and children" when this emotional explosion is purely chemical and surely relatively short-lived. Telling husbands to love their wives is equally irrational since they never seem to feel it nearly as deeply as women do. And, ultimately, you can't command an emotion, can you? It's chemistry. It's a mystery. How can you command that?
I would urge people not to marry for love. Not that love. Not the love that comes and goes, that rides the ebbs and tides of emotion. It is irrational, untenable, and impossible. If "marry for love" refers to that kind of love, there is no marriage on earth that can survive that fickle rollercoaster ride. Marry, instead, for love. The kind of love that Paul described when he urged husbands to love their wives "as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her." The kind of love that 1 Corinthians 13 talks about (1 Cor 13:4-8) (including, especially, "love never ends"). Marry for the love that the Spirit provides (Gal 5:22), an outward-facing love that sacrifices self in order to obtain the best for those that are loved. Marry for the love that reflects God to the world (Eph 5:31-32). Always marry for that love. I'm sure it will include a lot of the romantic type we seem to want so badly, but it will include a lot more than that.
6 comments:
I agree, I'd add that the sort of love you speak of is an intentional choice. You have to make a daily choice to love in that sort of sacrificial, other first way. That's why I don't agree with those who would say that arranged marriages are always bad. I suspect that marrying for "luv" is a significant reason why our divorce rate is so high. If you're marring on some feelings that will disappear as soon as something difficult matters, of course you see divorcing and chasing that feeling with someone else as a viable option.
For most of human history, we have married for just about every reason except the modern concept of love. And yet, until recently, for the most part marriage has been pretty stable. Seems to me when you make an active daily choice to live someone, how you feel about them becomes less important.
I heartily agree with your sentiments today (and I am one of those rare women who eschew Harlequin, Hallmark, and even Valentine’s Day). I have learned first-hand during my own long marriage that to ensure a relationship’s sustainability, the romantic love typical of most newlyweds must transform to the more mature expression of selfless, active love to which you point. An emotional/physical-driven attraction can bring two people together to initiate a mutual commitment, but it won’t be sufficient to build and sustain a relationship to withstand the trials and tribulations of life. Although our culture prioritizes self-fulfillment above all else--and fosters a romance with romance--the love that God’s Word encourages is so much more rewarding and enduring than the world’s version--as is typical of all of God’s good gifts to us.
Maybe the lesson is that making a major decision that affects other people shouldn't be based entirely on transitory feelings.
Although, I'd suspect it would be hard to prove and even harder to isolate, it would be interesting to study longevity in marriage comparing the "modern" concept with the "less modern" concept.
Maybe the lesson is love is a choice, not merely the emotional high so many today think it is. And it is a choice to sacrifice self, not gain for self.
Stan,
That as well. Although in some sense sacrificing one's self to love another actually does end up being a benefit to both one's self and to the one created when two are joined in the sacrament of marriage.
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