Of Frogs and Pots

You know the old "frog and pot" parable, right? You can drop a live frog into a pot of hot water and he'll leap right out, or you can drop him into a pot of cold water and slowly turn up the heat. He'll get used to it bit by bit until he's cooked. Now, I'm sure it's not actually true, but you get the idea. So I want to talk about one of these "frog and pot" situations.

I've argued for years that the current definition of "marriage" is no definition. In fact, back in 2008, when the California courts mandated "same-sex marriage," they agreed that they were going against the "traditional, longstanding definition of marriage." So I prefer to refer to "same-sex marriage" as "same-sex mirage" because, whatever it is, it is not marriage. Now we have two groups. One says, "No, that is a perfectly suitable use of the word" and the other says, "It doesn't even come close." One would think, then, connecting back to the frog analogy, that those who have moved on to this new definition of "marriage" (which, as it turns out, is hardly a definition at all) are those frogs in a heating pot. They're so used to it by now that they're unaware they're on the verge of being cooked. I don't think that's it at all. I think that they are in that pot, but I don't think that most of us are out of any pots. I think most of us who call that nonsense out as nonsense are simply in a different pot that's not quite as hot yet. You see, while we're pointing fingers at that crazy "same-sex mirage," we've swallowed whole another version of "mirage" and consider it normal because, well, it's what we're used to.

Since we can't determine the heat of our water based on our experience, we will need to go to a standard outside of any pots. I recommend Scripture -- God's Word. Biblical marriage is something absolutely opposed to same-sex mirage, for sure, but it isn't on our side, either. Biblical marriage, in its most basic form, is "A man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh" (Gen 2:24) -- the union (a rather intense union) of one man and one woman. There are additional components right there at the beginning as well. God made this wife for Adam to be his "helper" (Gen 2:18), so that concept is included in this, and they were commanded to "Be fruitful and multiply" (Gen 1:28), so that would be included as well. Therefore, a biblical version of marriage would be "The union for life of a man and a woman for the purposes of mutual support and for procreation." Is that what we see as the definition today among conservatives? Not so much. Among Christians? Not really. For instance, in the 1910's, 1 in 7 marriages ended in divorce. By the 20's it was 15%. After a spike in the 40's, it was at 20% in the 50's and 26% in the 60's. Of course, most people say that we're up in the 40-50% range now, so, as any good frog can tell you, that's fairly normal. Divorce is just a part of marriage. But Jesus said, "What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate" (Matt 19:6). In fact, in Scripture you find no acceptable reasons for divorce. Jesus gave His famous "exception clause" in Matthew 19:9 (which, I believe, is sorely misunderstood), but that exception wasn't an approval of divorce, but an acceptance of remarriage. And Paul never said it was okay to divorce an unbelieving spouse who leaves, but just that if they did, you weren't bound anymore (1 Cor 7:12-16). Divorce in Scripture is not the unforgivable sin, but neither is it the go-to solution if we're unhappy in our marriages.

There is a sense in Christianity that coming to Christ is the place we go to die. We are to "take up your cross" (Matt 16:24), to die to self (Eph 4:22). Similarly, marriage is another place we go to die, so to speak. Wives are commanded to "submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord" (Eph 5:23). Husbands are commanded to love their wives "as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her" (Eph 5:25). Both are outward facing commands. Both are made without regard to the self. Marriage, the union -- physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual -- of two people, is not about "me." Yet, how many of us, seeking a spouse, ask, "Am I the best one for him or her?" How many of us wonder what we can contribute to their lives? No, we ask, "Is she or he the best one for me?" Because my comfort and well-being is the primary purpose of marriage in our day. No one has ever divorced their spouse because "She won't let me be kind and loving to her." It is always "I'm not getting what I need/deserve/want." And we've sat in that water for so long that we don't even notice that it's contrary to Scripture and God's version of marriage.

There are plenty of people that complain about my opposition to "same-sex mirage." Rest easy. I equally oppose "my side" -- those who agree that "same sex" and "marriage" can't go together ... but believe that divorce is a good solution to problems and marriage is simply the best way to get what I want. Biblical marriage is the lifelong union of a man and a woman for purposes of mutual support and procreation. (If a spouse becomes unable to provide support -- disease or something -- or is unable to procreate for some reason, that doesn't negate marriage. Please don't go there. I'm just giving the basic, biblical definition.) Until we agree with God on marriage, we're either frogs in really hot water or frogs in water being heated. Neither is a good place to be.