A Valentine's Day Musing

I've been thinking about this for awhile and it's Valentine's Day, so it seemed an appropriate day for this topic. Keep in mind it's musing, not dogma. But I think it's worth considering.

Back in 2003 author Joshua Harris wrote I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Harris, a Christian, favored courtship over dating. Without analyzing Josh's view (because, frankly, I've been happily married for too long to be concerned about whether or not I should date or court), it raises the question. Is dating biblical?

Seems like a stupid question, I know. Especially on Valentine's Day. Everyone knows that this is the best, most proper way to find that mate, that one love, that soul-mate to which you will be joined. Oh, sure, it can be abused, but we won't do that, right? Unfortunately, that's the world's argument. Perhaps we ought to see what the biblical argument is.

First, the answer to the question, "Is dating biblical?" is easy. The answer is "No." Not one mention. Not a single one. "Oh," someone will argue triumphantly, "so it is courtship!" Sorry. Not in there. The standard biblical method of selecting a mate is the arranged marriage. No dating. No courtship. Parents decided.

That was then, of course, and this is now. What about now? What can we glean from Scripture about choosing mates now that we're much wiser here in the 21st century? I mean, what could be wrong with dating? Ah! That's the real question, right?

What could be wrong with dating?

Let's examine that question. Let's examine it because the Bible doesn't give it as the "sure thing" we seem to have accepted as the method of obtaining that "Mister or Miss Right". (I wonder if that phrase alone ought not give us pause.) The problem, then, is that dating did not spring from a biblical worldview, but from a worldly worldview. At its core, then, dating is precipitously close to friendship with the world, and James wrote, "Friendship with the world is hatred toward God" (James 4:4). Red flag.

Dating is ostensibly a quest for that "right person", that "true love", that one you want finally to marry. Unfortunately, dating doesn't actually do well in that arena. Instead, it teaches the opposite of marriage. Instead of commitment, it encourages "mate hopping". Visit the buffet line until you find what you like, sampling all along the way. That's not marriage.

In fact, dating is predicated on selfishness, the absolute antithesis to marriage. Marriage is the giving of one's self and dating is finding the one you want.

Dating misses some really important issues. It asks the question, "Who do you love?" without considering first "Do you love Christ first?". Dating encourages sexual immorality, finding "what I want", "chemistry", where the Bible commands that we put sensuality to death (Col 3:5) and flee sexual immorality (1 Cor 6:18). The Bible is fully of the complementarian view, where men and women have different and complementary roles and men are the head, but dating urges an egalitarian view where both share equal authority and responsibility and both are picking and choosing. Dating seeks "the right partner" rather than the ministry that God would have you do. And, look, let's face it, dating aims at "having fun" rather than working together. It's like Michael Lawrence says in his article, Stop Test-Driving Your Girlfriend. We're test-driving our possible future spouses, and that's not biblical.

Biblical Principles

First and foremost, considering the biblical worldview, it is unavoidable that the primary concern in any male-female union, the primary party, is the parents. Sorry, not the dater/datee. God has given the responsibility of the children to the parents. And while there may (or may not) come a time when you are no longer required to submit to their authority, the Bible is clear that children must always honor their parents, so until they stop being your parents, you are always required to honor them. That would include in the choosing of a spouse. So, while in our culture "meet the parents" is a big thing, in a biblical worldview it ought to be first and constant. Indeed all interactions ought to be under parental authority.

Critical to the question of who to marry is the biblical question that we refer to as "unequally yoked" (2 Cor 6:14-15). Since marriage is a union and since a union means you'll be one and since that "one" will be working together toward all of life, it makes zero sense to tie yourself to someone with different aims, especially in the basic things like "Who do you serve?" and "Are you a believer?" And consider this: since Scripture clearly and unambiguously states, "We love because He first loved us" (1 John 4:19), it is clear that those who do not know God are incapable of the biblical version of love -- they cannot love as God intended (1 John 4:8). Surely you wouldn't want a marriage with that fundamental shortcoming at the start, right?

Another biblical principle of "dating" is actually part of a bigger picture.

Finally, then, brothers, we ask and urge you in the Lord Jesus, that as you received from us how you ought to walk and to please God, just as you are doing, that you do so more and more. For you know what instructions we gave you through the Lord Jesus. For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness. Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you (1 Thess 4:1-8).

In all cases under all circumstances whether it is dating, courtship, or even an arranged marriage, "abstain from sexual immorality." The principle is "Control his own body in holiness and honor." The will of God is your sanctification, not your sexual satisfaction. Of course, if your primary mode of operation is a close connection to parents, that should be easy to avoid, right? Well, it ought to be.

A good idea in the question of choosing a mate is to ask different questions than what you would normally consider. Instead of "Is he/she right for me?" Ask, "What do my parents think?" Rather than locating the right one for you, ask, "Am I the kind of man/woman God intends me to be (for a spouse)?" (I put that "for a spouse" in parenthesis because this is the current topic, but "Am I the kind of man/woman God intends me to be?" is a good question at all times.) A critical (and related) question is "Who do you love?" That is, "Do I love Christ more than him/her?" It is a good idea, I suspect, to ask the same about him/her. Is he/she more interested in you or in Christ? If it is you, it might (will likely) be a problem. Instead of examining what your possible mate has to offer you, ask yourself, "What do I have to offer?" (Why do we rarely ask, "Am I the right one for her/him?")

Dating and even courtship teaches us to think like a consumer. What do I want? What am I looking for? How does this one or that one make me feel? We don't seem to recognize the command to "love your neighbor as yourself" regardless of marriage plans or the overall command to serve rather than be served. And this is a key biblical principle that relates directly to the problem of choosing a mate, whether by dating, courtship, or arranged marriage. The biblical perspective is that love is a command, not merely a feeling. It is a commitment to the best for others (Rom 13:10; 1 Cor 13:4-8). It is a commitment to the importance of others over my own importance (Phil 2:3-4). If dating or courtship (not sure of the differences) don't work in this kind of biblical worldview or in your mind, they are not for you.

Now, these are just the things I've been thinking about on the topic of dating. I retain questions. Is dating reasonable? I'm not so sure. Is it wise? Even less. Should Christians be dating? Given all the problems that mechanism causes (and more than we know), I'm not at all clear that we should. I would love to see a return to parents who love their children and children who submit to their parents having marriages arranged ... you know, like in the Bible. I know, I know ... don't expect it. But it is biblical and even bypasses a lot of the problems that dating brings. But you will need to consider these things for yourself. Fortunately for me, I'm done with the question. Thank you, Lord, for that. I hope I didn't put a damper on your Valentine's Day.