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I recently read a post from Peter Beddow about experiencing God. In his piece he gives one person's experience, Ilona, who experienced meeting God. On the other hand, he describes his own experience where he received the baptism of the Holy Spirit, but didn't feel anything. He says, "I have never been able to shed the doubts about that experience, and though I still retain the ability to speak in that new language, I still ask God whether it is His Holy Spirit or whether I've created it out of my pride."

I understand this. My experience is slightly different, but I understand the sentiment. Years ago I was close with some people who believed in the baptism of the Holy Spirit with tongues. Now, not wanting to limit God in any way, despite the fact that I had never seen this concept in Scripture, I went with them to see if God had more for me than what I currently had received. It was a Wednesday night service, and the pastor invited anyone who wanted to receive the baptism of the Holy Spirit with tongues to come down to the front and be prayed over.

Well, along with the three other people with me, we went on down. The pastor instructed us, before he started to pray for us, to babble. We were to speak in "baby talk." It was like priming the pump. We would start the babbling, but God would take over when the Spirit came upon us. So we started, and the pastor started praying. The three others with me received the Spirit with tongues, but eventually I gave up the babbling and went back to my seat with the rest, rejected.

What happened? Why did God reject me? I came to Him with open heart and fervent prayer and a desire for everything He wanted for me. I didn't let past teaching or beliefs get in the way. I didn't allow for doubt or questioning. I went up for it all, and came back with nothing. My friends, on the other hand, came back dancing in the Spirit.

These questions plagued me for years. I pushed them aside without answers, but they still were nagging at me. Did I block God? Or did God reject me? Or was I just not good enough? I answered the questions with biblical responses and that eased things for me, but it still felt bad. Then one day God pointed out the outcomes. One of the others who had received this special blessing had degenerated into lunacy. I'm not being trite. She literally lost her mind. The other threw Christianity out the window, embraced blatant, overt sin, cursed God, and today lives a sad, lonely existence. Me? I love the Lord more today than ever before, have a lovely wife whom I love dearly, and am still hard after all that God has to give me. How is that possible? How is it that they could receive more from God than I and they have such poor outcomes?

I don't have answers for that. I don't wish to cast aspersions on the experiences of others. I certainly don't want to suggest that "the baptism of the Holy Spirit with tongues" is a false experience. What I do believe is that, rather than being something "more", it is often the result of an experience-seeking mindset that is not satisfied with truth and seeks, instead, something beyond what God intends. Paul says, "I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord" (Phil. 3:8), and prayed "that I may know Him, and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead" (Phil. 3:10-11). For Paul, knowing Christ was the highest possible thing. To many Christians, personal experience is the highest possible thing. Paul longed to know the suffering and death of Christ. Many Christians simply seek the sweetness. A missionary once wrote this: "My goal is God Himself. Not joy or peace or even blessing, but Himself, my God. 'Tis His to lead me there - not mine, but His. By any road, dear Lord, at any cost." That, too, is my prayer.