I told my teenager to go do his chores and he told me, “The Bible says “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want … to go do chores.”
I sat down with a friend for an early morning coffee. She assured me, “The Bible is mistaken. That first verse should read, ‘In the beginning … coffee.’”
Any gathering of Baptists will assure you, “Where two or three are gathered in His name, there will be … casseroles.”
My grumpy coworker complained about Paul’s statement in Philippians. “He obviously came from a different culture, because ‘Do all things without grumbling’ can’t be applicable on a Monday.”
As the family gathered around the Thanksgiving table, I heard Mom quote Ecclesiastes. “‘To everything there is a season’ … and this is not the season for dieting.”
His father’s eyes sparkled as he rattled off another “dad joke” and backed it with “A cheerful heart is good medicine.”
Her smart-aleck son turned up his nose at the sushi with a quote from Leviticus. “Whatever has no fins or scales is detestable.”
The newlywed husband looks to the sky as his young bride serves another burnt meal and complains to God from Genesis, “It’s that woman You gave me!”
Wednesday, July 08, 2026
Out of Context
On the "hermeneutics" discussion ... just for humor ...
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4 comments:
This story was titled “Denominational Hermeneutics,” so it springboards from your post title nicely:
How would the Uniting Church deal with "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?
The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, “cat” and “mat” had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.
This would lead to an immediate backlash from the Evangelicals. They would make an essential condition of faith that a real physical, living cat, being a domestic pet of the Felix Domesticus species, and having a whiskered head and furry body, four legs, and a tail, did physically place its whole body on a floor covering, designed for that purpose, and which is on the floor but not of the floor. The expression "on the floor but not of the floor" would be explained in a leaflet.
Meanwhile, the Catholics would have developed the Festival of the Sedentation of the Blessed Cat. This would teach that the cat was white and majestically reclined on a mat of gold thread before its assumption to the Great Cat Basket of Heaven. This is commemorated by the singing of the Magnificat, lighting three candles, and ringing a bell five times. This would cause a schism with the Orthodox Church which believes tradition requires Holy Cats Day [as it is colloquially known], to be marked by lighting six candles and ringing the bell four times. This would partly be resolved by the Cuckoo Land Declaration recognizing the traditional validity of each.
Eventually, the House of Bishops would issue a statement on the Doctrine of the Feline Sedentation. It would explain that traditionally the text describes a domestic feline quadruped superjacent to an unattached covering on a fundamental surface. For determining its salvific and eschatological significations, we follow the heuristic analytical principles adopted in dealing with the Canine Fenestration Question [How much is that doggie in the window?] and the Affirmative Musaceous Paradox [Yes, we have no bananas]. And so on, for another 210 pages.
The General Synod would then commend this report as helpful resource material for clergy to explain to the man in the pew the difficult doctrine of “the cat sat on the mat.”
Two with denominational humor:
Jews don’t recognize Jesus, Protestants don’t recognize the pope, and Baptists don’t recognize each other in the liquor store.
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
Two about “In the beginning …”:
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make, and she will not nag you. She will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it. Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?" Of course, the rest is history. :-D
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower, and spinach; green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then, using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14. So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons, and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep-fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99¢ double cheeseburger and then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes, and super-size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple-bypass surgery. Then Satan created HMOs.
You have to love the inside jokes that would go over the heads of people that just aren't in the know.
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