With Respect

You've all heard it, I'm sure. "Respect is earned, not given." I suspect that the circumstances in which you would have heard such a phrase would be relatively constant -- someone told someone they needed to show respect for someone ... and they didn't want to. Now, of course, it's simply not true. Let's say that a different way; it's a lie. And it's simple to demonstrate. Ask yourself if you deserve respect. Most people will affirm that they do ... and we've just affirmed that respect is given, not earned. It is owed, not earned.

This becomes more readily apparent when we read Scripture. Wives are commanded to submit to their husbands "as to the Lord" (Eph 5:23). That's a pretty high standard ("as to the Lord"), and there is nothing in there about "as long as he earns it." In fact, Peter says to be subject to husbands "even if some do not obey the word" (1 Peter 3:1). That is, specifically, to less than good husbands. Paul says that husbands must love their wives as they love themselves (here, too, no reference to "good wife") and a wife must "see that she respects her husband" (Eph 5:33). Again, nothing about earning it. Peter told servants to respect their masters including the unjust (1 Peter 2:18). Biblically, respect is given, not earned.

How is this possible? How can you respect someone who isn't ... respectable? On what basis, for instance, can a good wife be expected to respect an unkind, uncaring husband? There are several ways. First, it is accomplished on the basis of obedience. Respect isn't an unbidden emotion; it is a choice. So God said it; that is sufficient reason to do it. We are all required to pay "respect to whom respect is owed" (Rom 13:7). He said it; do it. The second obvious reason is by virtue of shared origin. We are all made in the image of God (Gen 1:26-27). That, alone, ought to demand respect from fellow image-bearers. A third one is actually well understood by the world. In the military we were taught, "You have to respect the office, not the man." Authority is due respect by virtue of its authority. If "there is no authority except from God" (Rom 13:1), and resisting authority is resisting God (Rom 13:2), respect ought to be given out of respect for the One who ordained it. In reverse, husbands are told to who honor to their wives "as the weaker vessel" (1 Peter 3:7). In the same way, those in a stronger position ought to respect those in a weaker position and to look out for their interests (Php 2:4). These are a few reasons to give respect rather than require that it be earned. The best one, however, is the one we enjoy the most. It is because we are Christ-ians -- we want to be like Christ. So we should have the same mind He did, humbling ourselves for the benefit of others regardless of their worthiness for it (Php 2:5-7).

One other thing on respect. It is my abiding suspicion that we are not clear just what "respect" is. A definition for kids says, "Having respect is when you feel good about someone because of how they act." If that is accurate, respect is earned by you making me feel good about how you act. More common is the standard "to consider worthy of high regard" kind of thing. More at "A feeling of appreciative, often deferential regard." But, then, we're just looking at the kids' version, aren't we? In fact, how can anyone command "a feeling"? This isn't the biblical version. I think it is often the version that good wives give their good husbands and think they've obeyed the command to respect them. It's just not the biblical version. Interestingly, I think husbands know it.

Scripture commands us to "Show proper respect to everyone." (1 Peter 2:17) In both that Ephesians 5:33 reference and in the 1 Peter 2:18 reference the word translated "respect" might be a surprise; it is phobos -- fear. It is the same word used to express what we owe God (e.g., 1 Peter 2:17). Now, we understand that this "fear" isn't some abject terror, but neither is it mere "reverence." It includes "awe" which includes "dread." It is that sense of fear that moves you forward rather than backward. It's the reasonable fear that keeps a highway worker in the median from walking into the roadway while motivating him to do his job. It is the fear afforded to those who discipline us for our good (Heb 12:9). In biblical respect, then, there is honor and there is a sense of fear.

We need to aim to be respectable (1 Tim 3:2). We ought to live as if we need to earn respect. But in the respect we give we are commanded to give it freely. We are to respect "those who labor among you" (1 Thess 5:12), masters (1 Peter 2:18), those with whom we disagree (1 Peter 3:15), and more -- all whom we owe respect (Rom 13:7). We are to respect those above us, those below us, all who are in the image of God. That respect is not merely a warm feeling of appreciation, but a present sense of fear. As an explosives expert respects explosives while working with them, we ought to respect those around us by handling and responding to them rightly, as more important than ourselves (Php 2:3). It is not natural, but it is biblical and, therefore, the kind of obedience that God produces in His own (Php 2:13).