On Parenting

I was expressing my concerns about parents recently. So, since I don't like the appearance of complaining without the offering ideas, I thought I'd take a stab at parenting principles.

If we wanted to find verifiable principles for parenting, we'd likely not want to go to "modern techniques" or "the latest studies" despite that being the "go-to" for the world today. That's because we're hoping for the truth and we know that "all that is in the world — the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life — is not from the Father but is from the world." (1 John 2:16) We know that "the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot." (Rom 8:7) So if we want God's truth, it's best not to go to the enemies of God for answers. On the other hand, Jesus said, "Your word is truth, (John 17:17), so maybe that would be a better option. What do we find there on principles for parenting?

There are indeed biblical parenting principles in Scripture for any parent who would care to find them. For instance, the Bible puts fathers on the hot seat for bringing them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Eph 6:4; Heb 12:7) without exasperating them (Col 3:21). Odd ... and so many of us thought it was the job of the church. Note, that doesn't mean mothers don't do it, too. It means that fathers are the responsible party. Parents are to prioritize impressing God's commands on their children. "Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up." (Deut 6:6-7) It is essential that parents bring up their children in the way they should go (Prov 22:6). (Why do so many modern parents appear to fail to understand that raising kids to be responsible adults is a primary job?) Fathers in particular, but mothers, too, are responsible to encourage, comfort, and urge their children to live lives worthy of God (1 Thess 2:11-12). Parents are to exemplify godliness to their children (1 Cor 11:1). And, despite all the world has to tell us today, Scripture is not vague when it says, “Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them." (Prov 13:24) "Careful" in the sense of diligent to do it as needed and diligent to do it carefully, not wantonly or foolishly.

There is one principle, though, that is fundamental and essential. If we are to love God with all of our being and love our neighbor as ourselves, it would seem quite clear that loving your children would be a fundamental principle of parenting. Unfortunately, I suspect that the world has worked so hard at diluting God's version of love that we might have a hard time recognizing that when we see it. It's not "be warm toward your children." It's not "encourage them in whatever they want to pursue." "But, wait a minute," you might be saying, "didn't you just say we're to love them? Isn't that loving them?" It could be, but, generally, no, it's not. It's not because of the sin nature. It's not because love isn't mere warm feelings. Love is seeking the best for the loved one. Sometimes that is decidedly not encouraging them to do what they want. It would be hate to encourage them to do what they want when what they want is bad for them. So let's keep that in mind rather than the world's "warm affection" version.

Love becomes a grand umbrella here. If the constant question is "What is best for my child?" it creates a pattern to live by. If it is "What is best for me?" that's a different pattern. But this kind of love is not always "nice." Scripture says, "The Lord disciplines the one He loves, and chastises every son whom He receives." (Heb 12:6) (That's in stark opposition to the world's version that demands that any such thing is detrimental to children.) Discipline and chastening driven by love are parenting essentials. Discipline and chastening driven by anger, selfishness, or any other motive is not biblical and not love.

Paul told the Philippians,

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. (Php 2:3-4)

How's that for a parenting principle? If in general we are to consider others as more important than we are and look out for the interests of others, how much more when talking about family? How different does that look from modern parenting? Fathers, our first priority is our wife and our kids. Not us; them. Mothers, your first priority is your husband and kids. Not you; them. But we're pretty sure that parenting is all about us. What makes us feel good? What do we want? What's best for us? For instance, how does "me time" fit in this paradigm? (Note: I'm not saying it can't; I'm asking if they are the point.)

You know, if I'm honest, I think the fundamental principle for parenting properly begins and ends with love. Not the warm fuzzy type. The love that is always looking away from "me" and toward them. The love that always seeks their best even to my detriment. The love that finds its greatest joy in serving their needs rather than my own. Sometimes that's painful for them, but it has to be best for them. Sometimes it costs parents -- time, talent, money, resources, social gatherings, all sorts of things -- but if it's what's best for them, it's what love requires. I think parenting built on that principle would look a lot different than our current common version.