News Weakly - 12/26/20

It's the morning after; I hope you all had a lovely Christmas. Now, to the impertinent stuff at hand. Did I say "impertinent"? I meant "impotent." No, wait ...

How Not to Read Your Bible
Over the last weekend the media widely reported that Brazil's president warned that the COVID vaccine could turn people into crocodiles. Wait ... what?! Let's see. What really happened was the president told his people that the vaccine was without promise. "In the Pfizer contract, it's very clear," he said. "'We're not responsible for any side effects.'" And that's true. He went on to say, "If you turn into a crocodile, that's your problem." There it is! He said it! Come on, people. He didn't say it would happen. He said, "If something goes wrong, you're on your own" and used hyperbole to illustrate the point. The media assumed he meant it, so they claimed he did. He clearly didn't. I guess this explains how so many people discard the Bible. They're not reading it for what it intends; they're assigning meaning on their own. "So, you actually are cannibals eating Jesus?" That's not how we should listen to people and that's not how to read your Bible (or anything else).

Science Myths
In his dedication to "believe Science" rather than myth, Dr. Fauci was eager to ease the fears of children that Santa wouldn't be around to deliver gifts in the pandemic crisis. He told CNN that he had personally vaccinated Santa Claus himself. Because everyone knows that a magical being who can visit every single house on the planet in one night and live in an invisible home at the North Pole is probably worried about a virus. Thank you, Dr. Fauci. I've always been concerned that telling kids there is a Santa will make them question if there is a Christ. This makes me question what other fairy tales Fauci may be giving us.

The White Girl Broke the Rules
She went and did it. She broke the rules. Republican Senator Kelly Loeffler is in a run-off in Georgia and she said that she was conservative and her opponent, Rev. Raphael Warnock, was a "radical liberal." Oh, bad mistake, white girl. White people are not allowed to say bad things about any black person at any time. If you do, it's obvious racism. In her case, it's also a slam against "Warnock’s religion and the faith of Black congregations," according to a letter signed by more than 100 religious leaders. Mind you, this "Christian pastor" (skin color is irrelevant) believes in expanded free health care, the murder of unborn children, all issues LGBT+ (including "gender inclusive policies"), "environmental justice" (his term), and ending "mass incarcerations." That is, he is farther left than, say, Biden, and, therefore, a "radical liberal." And that doesn't reflect on any other leaders, any race, or "the faith of Black congregations" (which, I believe, might include Christian Black congregations as opposed to Warnock's faith). Now, you may agree with Warnock's faith and you may agree with Warnock's undeniably liberal values, but there is no reason to drag race into it when a candidate who says their opponent believes the opposite of what they stand for. Unless you'd like to accuse Warnock of being racist and demeaning all whites and all white Christians because he has (quite understandably) opposed Loeffler's positions.

What's Good for the Gander ...
We're still not done with the conspiracy theories swirling around Trump's defeat nor the accusations that he's attacking democracy in his efforts to claim voter fraud. Oddly enough, a Democratic candidate in Iowa lost her bid for election and, after the count, the recount, and the certified results, is declaring that the vote count was faulty and she wants them to nullify the state-certified election results. Because it's anti-democracy when Trump does it but not when a Democrat does it.

News I Don't Understand
The news item is big. "This," they tell us, is the deadliest year in U.S. history." Alert! Alert! Big news! Except it really isn't, is it? They're saying that this year we will see perhaps 400,000 more deaths than 2019. Yes, that's a lot, but 1) they expect a 15% rise simply due to increased population, and 2) I seem to recall some sort of big, deadly thing going on. Let's see ... oh, yes! The coronavirus has, so far, killed 322,000. Well, look at that. Just about a perfect fit for the additional 400,000 deaths. That is, this story should say, "As expected," just like when they reported an additional $3 trillion debt increase just after they released a $3 trillion COVID relief package. This isn't news, is it? (I ask because it feels a lot more like terrorism to me. "The sky is falling!")

COVID Relief
The two sides fought about it for months and now they've given us "COVID Relief II: the Sequel" (said in a booming announcer's voice). What does relief look like? You'll be relieved to know that you'll all get a check for $600. That ought to ease the pain of 280+ days of "15 days to flatten the curve." All those who lost their jobs ought to be grateful for a check, right? (The president wants to make it $2000; that ought to fix things.) But wait! There's more! There is $300/week extended unemployment and $284 billion for the Paycheck Protection Program and an extension to the eviction moratorium. There is $22 billion for vaccines and $82 billion for school funding and $13 billion for nutrition and child care. All quite ... relieving. And $7 billion for broadband access, $45 billion for transportation, a provision for two new national museums, and a new law that makes illegally streaming videos a felony. Wait ... what? Yep, (back to the booming announcer's voice) that's the new "COVID relief." (End voice.) Take two and call me in the morning. Sometimes I think we need a new law that makes professional lawmakers illegal.

On Several Levels
I usually prefer the Bee, but this Genesius Times story was too much to pass up. The headline included, "Texas issues ‘stay at home’ order for entire state of California." That's funny right there. On several levels.

Must be true; I read it on the Internet.