Train Up a Husband

There is a famous saying that women marry hoping their husband will change and men marry hoping their wife won't. In neither case does it happen. There is some truth to it. Often, women hope to change their husbands into something good, or, at least, something better than they are currently. And I wouldn't even suggest that it's all bad. "You make me want to be a better man" is a compliment, not a complaint. But when one woman tells another woman, "You sure have your husband trained," I'm not sure it's a kindness to the husband.

The truth is women can and do try to train their husbands. It has long been said that women civilize men. You know, "tame the wild beast," that sort of thing. It's not all bad. I do think, however, that it is possible for wives to "train up a husband" in a way he should not go.

Nagging Expectations
Part of the curse in the Garden was aimed at Eve (and, therefore, the women who followed Eve). There was a curse of multiplied pain in childbearing, but along with that there was this condition in which "your desire shall be toward your husband; and he shall rule over you" (Gen 3:16). Now, that one seems a little strange, perhaps. I mean, isn't it a good thing that she her desire would be toward her husband? I think we missed the point. In Genesis 4 we see the same phrase. God told Cain, "Sin is crouching at the door; and its desire is toward you" (Gen 4:7). We understand that one just fine. It wasn't that sin had a sexual desire for Cain. It was that sin wished to rule Cain. Since the previous text had the same "headship" context and the same language, apparently the curse had the same sense. Part of the curse, then, is that the wife would have a desire to rule her husband, but would have to be subject to him.

This conflict often works itself out in the nagging wife. Solomon wrote, "Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife" (Prov 21:19). That doesn't sound like a commendation for nagging. On the other hand, Peter wrote that wives should adorn themselves with "the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious" (1 Peter 3:4). That doesn't sound like nagging. If you'd like to train your husband to avoid conversing with you, nag.

Leadership Training
Part of the problem of the curse is the resistance to submission. Peter wrote, "Wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives" (1 Peter 3:1) and Paul urged wives to "submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord" (Eph 5:22-24). Submission is not natural. So unnatural is it that many wives today refuse to do it. But Scripture isn't unclear.

Wives, if you'd like to train your husbands not to lead, not to be the "head of household," not to be the responsible husband that God designed and commanded him to be, refuse to submit.

Bedroom Etiquette
A common complaint among married couples is the problem of sex. He's not considerate and she's not willing or some other unpleasant (or worse) combination(s). Our world tells us that women need to be more sexy in the bedroom and men need to be more considerate. I'm trying to correlate that to what Paul wrote on the subject.

The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. (1 Cor 7:3-4)

This perspective seems to turn the whole commonplace bedroom perspective on its ear. The scenario where he seeks to be sexually satiated and she seeks to be sexually satisfied doesn't fit here. "Give her her conjugal rights" and "your body is not your own." It's turned around. Thus, women are not training their husbands properly if they become his personal pornstar. Teaching your husband to seek sexual satisfaction is not the idea in Scripture.

Now, I understand. The primary problem is not wives. The primary problem is sin. Man (as mankind) and men (as men) are prone to sin. But we have two sinful tendencies. One is to be overbearing and the other is to be absent. So, wives, if you'd like to train up a husband in the way he should go, try a different approach. Don't nag. Remember, "gentle and quiet spirit." Don't take away his God-given responsibility to be the leader in the household. Hold him to that with respect. And don't teach him in the bedroom that it's all about him. Help him to see that his bedroom responsibilities are not his personal pleasure. Yes, ladies, we are prone to sin. Give us a break and don't encourage us toward it. Encourage us toward godliness.