Mawwiage

(For those who don't get the reference in the title, it is from The Princess Bride.)

Steven Landsburg wrote, "Marriage is a contract." The article, The Marriage Contract, is subtitled, "Divorce is just a breakdown in negotiations." I get it. When my first wife told me she was leaving, I tried this idea out. I sought out a lawyer -- any lawyer -- who would help me sue her for "breach of contract". After all, she had promised before God and witnesses "'til death do us part" and, as far as I knew, we were both still alive, so how was that not breach of contract? I didn't want compensation; I just wanted to get the law to hold her to her agreement. (No, no lawyer would try it.) (Doesn't that suggest it isn't really a contract?)

The article in Slate, however, was about a change (back in 1997) in Louisiana marriage law. They were changing from one "marriage contract" to two types. One was the standard "no-fault" contract like every other state. The second was called "covenant marriage" and made divorce much, much harder. It was the first "covenant marriage" law in the U.S. Landsburg observes, "Even if you never divorce, your choice among contracts can affect the entire course of your marriage." How? Well, if you have the possibility of divorce, it will affect your motivation to keep your spouse happy. That is, "If I cannot get out of this marriage, I had better make it the best I possibly can." Actually makes sense.

We understand marriage as a contract. "If you do X, I will do Y. If you don't do X, I am not obligated to do Y." So, "If you will love me for the rest of your life, I will love you for the rest of my life. If you don't ..." We get that. And some have modified their language to something like "'til love do us part." What, then, is a covenant marriage. Well, contracts are characterized as limited in time, requiring specifics of each in the contract, based on an "if/then" kind of thinking, and motivated primarily by "What will I get out of this?" Covenants ... are not. Covenants are aimed at the benefit of the other and, as such, contain promises for rather than from the other. In a marriage covenant, love becomes a choice as much as an emotion, where you can practice it even when you don't feel it. That is, "I promise to love you for the rest of my life" is not a promise to "feel warmly toward you", but to "always seek your best." A covenant is not intended to be temporary. More importantly, a marriage contract is a conditional promise to each other; a marriage covenant is an promise to God regarding each other. As such, a covenant marriage would be a marriage first and foremost aimed at glorifying God and, before anything else, seeking to give to the other all that is for his or her best. Not quite the same as a contract.

A website on the topic explains the difference between contract and covenant marriage this way.

Contract: I take thee for me.
Covenant: I give myself to thee.

Contract: You had better do it!
Covenant: How may I serve you?

Contract: What do I get?
Covenant: What can I give?

Contract: I'll meet you halfway.
Covenant: I'll give you 100%.

Contract: I have to
Covenant: I want to

When I argued that marriage has for all time meant "the union of a man and a woman for purposes of mutual support and for procreation", they fired back, "Don't force your definition on us" and "It won't change your marriage if you give same-sex couples marriage, too." This, of course, isn't true. It has changed marriage in general. Certainly not solely because of same-sex marriage, but because that is the end of an arc, a "ballistic missile" launched back in the '60's that has impacted all of society ... and not for the better.

In a few short months my wife and I will celebrate our 25th anniversary. It is often traditional to renew vows at milestones like these, so my wife and I plan to renew our vows and switch our "standard" marriage in the eyes of the law to a "covenant marriage" in the eyes of the law. "Till death do us part." For real. As God intended. Will it fix the current degeneration of marriage in America? Of course not. But it will be a clear message for those in our sphere of influence, and that's all we can do. The rest, as always, is in God's hands.