News Weakly - 7/8/23

In Stitches
Apparently a woman in Maine found a bear in her backyard that was threatening her dog, so she did what any sane human being would do; she punched the bear in the nose. She ended up in stitches, which I take to mean medical stitches instead of laughing hard at herself for being so stupid.

A Failure to Communicate
In our day of commonly misunderstood words, I offer today's choice: "homophobic." It originally meant "afraid of homosexuals" or more at "afraid I might be one." Ron DeSantis shared a video of Trump promising support for LGBT+ people. It suggested that DeSantis would not give full and unbridled support to all things queer. Homophobic? Only if we've redefined it to mean "anything that disagrees with full-on unrelenting support of LGBT+ stuff." But what will it mean next? If "racist" has come to mean "all you white people," I can see "homophobic" becoming "all you heterosexuals."

Better Living With(out) Science
Biden's "green hydrogen plan" has hit a snag. It requires water, but they're trying to do it where there is a water shortage. Now, hydrogen fuel is our next great climate saver, they tell us. Except that hydrogen fuel is produced by means of natural gas, oil, coal, or electrolysis -- all bad for the environment. But don't you worry. That's just science. We're still pressing on for a better world by contradicting science.

You Go First
Ben & Jerry's told America on the 4th of July that "The United States was founded on stolen indigenous land. This Fourth of July, let’s commit to returning it." They were advocating giving Mount Rushmore back to the Lakota Sioux, but anyone can tell you before white people came to North America all the land was occupied by a host of indigenous people, so when Ben & Jerry's turn over their property to the original indigenous folk, I'll consider taking them seriously. Because to actually carry out their plan as stated means that all non-indigenous people will have to leave. That's 320 million new homeless.

The A-Bee-Cs This Week
You may have heard that they found some cocaine at the White House this week (true story). DC police are saying they may never discover who left the bag labeled "Property of H. Biden" there. On the upside, Biden's promise to restore decency in the White House was fulfilled since that cocaine was of the highest quality. In other news, Ben and Jerry followed up their "We need to give up all land to indigenous people" tweet with the announcement that Native Americans can exchange a white man's scalp for a free pint of Chunky Monkey. In Europe, French President Macron is warning rioters to calm down or he'll call Kyle Rittenhouse.

Must be true; I read it on the Internet.