Learning to Love

What is this thing called "love"? We all know, but ... do we? For some it's sex. Like the Christian worship song that says that heaven came down like a wet, sloppy kiss. Love has some physical, romantic aspects. Of course, on the periphery of our minds we know that's not true. We love pizza, but that doesn't include kisses. For many, "love" includes this "embrace everything" concept where if you love someone you just take them as they are and encourage them in whatever they want to do. You know, tolerant and embracing. But that seems obviously problematic when what they want to do is kill a group of kids at an elementary school or take a knife to their wrists. So, we kind of buzz about the edges of love, confident we know what it is while rejecting at some point everything we think it is.

I heard a comedienne talking about how self-help gurus say you have to learn to love yourself. She thought that was really hard. I mean, who, really, loves themselves? So Whitney Houston sang, "The greatest love of all is learning to love yourself." We read, "Love one another as you love yourself" and we give ourselves a pass because, hey, it's hard to love yourself. "I don't really love myself much, so don't expect me to love you much." Because for most of us "love" is "warm thoughts." If you are going to love yourself, you have to have warm thoughts about yourself and, frankly, almost all of us have those moments when we don't even like ourselves.

So I found it interesting that I found a different definition of love in the Bible. Oh, sure, we all know that 1 Corinthians 13 version. That doesn't actually define it, but it gives a nice list of some of love's characteristics. And we know that John wrote that God is love (1 John 4:8), but that's problematic because it doesn't mean that love is God, and while it means that God defines love, we're still left without a clear definition. So I came across this. I've read it many times before, but it struck me this time that it was actually a clear description of what Scripture sees as love.

So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. (Eph 5:28-30)

Paul is saying here that men should love their wives as they love their own bodies. Someone might well raise an objection, "But we don't love ourselves." To which Paul responds, "Yes ... you do." How? Paul says that we love ourselves by nourishing and cherishing our own bodies. And there, dear reader, is perhaps one of the clearest definitions I've ever found for love.

Nourish and cherish -- that's Paul's idea of love. His word translated as "nourish" refers to being fed or fattened. It literally means "stiffened" and includes the idea of training and bringing to maturity. The word for "cherish" is derived from the verb "to warm" and carries the image of incubating chicks. In his language, Paul suggests that loving ourselves is seen in the fact that we feed and clothe ourselves. Paul points out the fact that we are always loving ourselves -- seeking what is best for ourselves. Even the one contemplating suicide is thinking "This is the best thing I can do."

In truth, we don't need to learn to love ourselves. It is innate. It is built in. All Paul is asking of husbands is that we take that built-in desire for our own best interests turn it toward our wives, seeking their own best interests. All God is commanding is that, in the same way that we take good care of ourselves, we would take good care of others (Matt 22:39). We've managed to attach all manner of add-ons to "love." It's a warm feeling, and extension of "like." It's sex or it's family or it's desire. It embraces the loved one even if the loved one is heading in the worst possible direction. None of this fits with "nourishes and cherishes." None of it fits with seeking the best for the other. And we all have the built-in grasp of it in our own built-in nature to seek our own best interest. Now, just turn that around to others. Easy.