Love Language

Gary Chapman wrote a fairly well known book (and follow-ups) on the "5 love languages". This is not about that. Join me while we listen in on a brief conversation.

She: "I found out you've been having an affair with Linda."

He: "Who told you?"

She: "It doesn't matter. We're through."

He: "But, honey, I love you!"

How does that work for you? Is there something in there that doesn't make sense to you? There is for me. Because I can hardly imagine a circumstance in which someone would say, "But, honey, I love you" because what had happened was a demonstration of love. "You've been having an affair" coupled with "I love you" makes no sense.

Now, of course, that's an extreme example. An affair is clearly a total breach of love. And we're not doing that, right? But it's not an affair I'm thinking of. It's everyday, "normal" living. I say "normal" because we see it all the time, but I do not mean to imply "good" or "acceptable" -- just common. You will see siblings who claim to love each other being genuinely mean to each other. It is a regular occurrence to hear two friends engaging in not merely playful, but malicious banter. You will hear married couples digging viciously into their spouses in a conversation with someone not their spouse with language which, if their spouse had heard it, could not be construed as "I love you." And yet, in all cases, we would claim, "No, I certainly do love that person. Why do you ask?"

Why do we do that? Why do we "love" and demonstrate it with something much closer to hate? Why do we as parents sometimes treat our children with "not love"? Our spouses with "not love"? Our friends and family with "not love"? It's not that we don't love them. It's that we're currently not doing it. We know that X demonstrates love and instead we offer not Y, but not-X. Why?

I'm not going to answer the question. But you should on your own. I should on my own. We should ask ourselves these kinds of questions. "Am I loving God? Do my words and deeds demonstrate it?" "Am I loving others? Am I showing it in the way I treat them, both in their presence and out of it?" Oh, how about this one? "Would what I'm doing to them demonstrate love to me?" Since loving God and loving others are our two highest commands, I think it might be important to figure out why we claim to do that while we act as if we aren't.