So, there you are at a joyous family gathering. You know, Thanksgiving, Christmas, maybe a birthday party, something intended to be pleasant and fun. And it's a good thing. You get to catch up with that brother who moved to Tucumcari or the uncle who you haven't seen for a couple of years or whatever. And your favorite niece, Jennifer, brought her new fiance. How nice! What a pleasure to meet you, young man.
So what do you do when Jennifer or Uncle Greg or Grampa Joe tells you, "Yeah, well, my significant other and I will be living together. We're very excited about it."? What do you say when cousin Bob tells you he's coming out of the closet and this roommate he brought is his lover. Maybe your eyes glass over and you nod vaguely, saying without words, "Oh, how nice" because you're certainly not thinking it. You know that God is not pleased with fornication. And you know that Jenny or whomever it was isn't actually a Christian, either. At least you know that a CINO -- a Christian In Name Only -- outs himself or herself by warmly and heartily embracing sin as if it is a good thing. So celebrating this with them doesn't seem appropriate. But you know on the other hand that even if the best were to happen and you were to call them on it and they were to avoid the behavior, avoiding a sin does not a repentant believer make.
In that moment, in that homogeneous crowd of sinner and saint, believer and pagan, heretic and orthodox, all with family ties, you have to make a decision. Are you going to call this sin a sin? Or are you not? You know it won't go well. If you're going to call it what it is, you're going to have to expect not to be asked to the next family Christmas. And it's not just that they want you to keep silent about it. They likely know you think it's a sin. No, being silent here is not sufficient. What they demand is celebration! You will not only not condemn the action; you will rejoice with those who rejoice. There, see? It even sounds biblical.
Look, it's a family gathering. Everyone is having a good time. Everyone is glad for Jenn or Grampa or whoever. You're not going to actually change anything by getting them not to commit this particular sin. Maybe, if you just smile and keep quiet, they won't ask you for your words of approval and you can sneak by in silence. Maybe, on the other hand, you feel the need to speak up knowing that you will neither accomplish anything positive here today nor grow any closer to a good portion of the family. Worse, maybe you're already on the outside as an in-law or something. Best just keep your mouth shut. Smile and nod. It's okay. You don't agree with the behavior. Just don't make waves. What's the point anyway?
It's a lousy situation, for sure. You can ruin today's celebration by speaking up or make sure you will never be comfortable with another family celebration by remaining silent. You can remain true to your conscience and exhibit genuine love by warning against egregious sin or you can keep peace in the family by remaining silent in the face of the conflict you know will occur by speaking up. What do you do? What do you do?
6 comments:
I've already had to make that decision. A family member wanted to visit a couple days, and when he showed up he had his girlfriend. I refused to allow them to share the same bedroom, so they left.
And how is the relationship with the family member now?
Refuses communication. Last contact he was spiteful, mean, nasty, and just plain uncivil. I didn't want that to happen, but I told him I could not foster fornication in my house - My children were in grade school at the time and I told him it would set a bad example to them anyway, let alone going against principles my wife and I held. I told him at the time he could survive a night or two without sleeping together, but he considered me to be inhospitable. Oh well.
Had this very conversation with my oldest friend just the other day. He had mentioned that he believes a nephew is a homosexual, and I asked him what he would do if this dude brought his partner to family picnic. He replied that he'd offer the dude a beer.
To that, I related an incident of a family picnic from some years ago (which is why I asked him the question in the manner I did). My brother-in-law had invited his partner. At this point in time, my wife and I were unaware of his relationship. Throughout the time this guy was there, they never acted as more than "buddies".
This I could handle for the sake of family unity, and I wonder if now, should any other family members "come out", if they would consider the feelings of relatives who host gatherings and conduct themselves with discretion, or presume that everyone should simply accept them as they would any other heterosexual couple.
I don't know if there are any family members, or friends for that matter, who are unaware of how I feel about such things (including non-married hetero couples looking to spend the night---like Glenn, I would not allow them the same room). If one dropped the bomb at a gathering in my home, I would discreetly take the relative aside and ask him/her if he/she were aware of how much I care about and love him/her. Then I would ask him/her if they believe I want only the best for him/her. Then I would ask if he/she had any idea how I would respond if made to choose between him/her or God. I would finally inform/remind him/her that I expect all to abide my "house rules" just as I seek to do as much in the homes of other people. In his/her case, that would he/she and his/her partner must conduct themselves as "friends" rather than lovers, especially if there are minors present. I would then request that he/she not put me to the test for his/her own sake and safety.
I've actually been in these types of situations before concerning different behaviors to which I objected. I'm far from a perfect man (despite the legends), but I've always had a hard time dealing with blatant displays of bad behaviors, either by others or myself.
To both Glenn and Marshall:
There are several ... layers here that I consider.
1) Is this person a self-professed Christian? Then the Bible is the standard by which not only I but they are held to. It would not be biblical nor wise nor loving to keep silent in the face of clear sin.
2) Is this person not a self-professed Christian, but is asking me to participate? If I was asked to attend a family member's "gay marriage", that would be a request to participate. If an unwed couple asked to spend the night at my house, that would be a request to participate. That would be a request for me to sin.
3) Is this person a sinner not asking me to sin? Since everyone is a sinner, this is, in fact, most of our lives -- including Christian interactions in many cases. If my aunt brought her lesbian counterpart or my daughter brought her live-in boyfriend to a gathering, not asking me to participate in sin, but just to have them eat and visit, I don't see a sin (on my part). Just as I can chat with sinners every day, I can chat with these folks at a gathering. For those sinners with whom I have a specific relationship, be it a relative or a close friend, I would like to think that, out of genuine concern for their well-being, I would want to privately share my concern about their overt sin and urge them to repent, but not make it a deal breaker. As long as I'm not asked to celebrate or participate in their sin, I don't think I need to go so far as to end relationships. (Now, what they do when I share my concern for their well-being by calling sin sin is another question, isn't it?)
Interestingly, I have relationships with people who call themselves Christians and indulge openly in clear sin. They are aware (quite aware) that I consider it sin and don't ask for my approval of their behavior, but neither do they avoid me. In the case of one family member living with a man to whom she is not married, whenever the subject of "marriage" comes to the conversational horizon, they typically beat me to the punch and say, "Yes, we know, you think we should get married" or something like it. Still hasn't ended the relationship.
Why is it, Glenn, that the perception is that we ought to set aside our principles and beliefs in order to make them comfortable? When did that become the rule? (Rhetorical questions. No answer required.)
Stan,
In my case, the individual was a self-professed Christian. Which made the whole result even more bizarre.
I agree with you about how to handle such relationships. As long as I'm not asked to participate, I can let it slide. With believers I'd have to agree with you about how to handle it privately.
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