Love and Respect

In summing up one of the most controversial passages in Scripture, Paul says, "Let each individual among you also love his own wife even as himself; and let the wife see to it that she respect her husband" (Eph 5:33). Now, I'm not going to address the "controversy" regarding wives submitting to husbands here. (I mean, that is what it says, so what's to address?) It's this summation I'm wondering about.

Have you ever wondered why? Why did Paul focus on these two factors? Why did he tell husbands to love their wives without mentioning respect? Why did he tell wives to respect their husbands without mentioning love? I mean, it is true, for instance, that wives are to love their husbands (Titus 2:4). And husbands are to live with their wives in an understanding way and give them honor (1 Peter 3:7). So why did Paul pick these two factors for husbands and wives?

Obviously, Paul didn't tell us why. That means that you're just going to get my opinion. Take it for whatever it's worth. I think that the answer is twofold. First, these two characteristics seem to be the first to go in a marriage. Husbands tend to express less affection and wives tend to show less respect. These, then, are not natural. It is, for instance, in the nature of women to be nurturing. Loving their husbands, then, is part of their nature. You can see this in the women who love men they shouldn't. So commanding women to love their husbands could be, in a sense, like commanding them to breathe. It's generally second nature. So Paul was pressing to have wives submit when submission wasn't natural -- to respect when respect wasn't a given -- and He was urging husbands to love when love wasn't a given.

I think, however, that there was a second reason for these two characteristics. It seems to me that these are the very two items on which each gender thrives. Women typically function best when they feel secure in love. If they are confident that their husbands love them, most of the rest of life runs much more smoothly. And husbands desperately need respect -- far more than than they need to feel loved. Men need to feel significant, the upshot of respect.

Marriage is a complex relationship requiring real though rewarding work. Read through Proverbs 31:10-31 to read a biblical version of "an excellent wife". It's not simple or easy. And the biblical version of a godly husband is much tougher and complicated than most men realize. Both are roles assigned by God. Both have a host of requirements including love and respect. I would just like to urge you husbands to love your wives because love is the nutrient-enriched soil in which they grow and I would beg you wives to respect your husbands because respect is the solid footing on which they can be what God calls them to be. Or, here, let me put it this way. "Let each individual among you also love his own wife even as himself; and let the wife see to it that she respect her husband." Yeah, like that.