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Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Train up a child

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it (Prov 22:6).
Wisdom from the book of Proverbs. Most likely, if you've ever had contact with church, you've heard that one.

Having a new generation of kids in my house, I've been observing firsthand the concept of training up children in today's society. Now, of course it would be foolish to draw conclusions from such a small sample, so I won't. Still, it seems like what I'm seeing is much broader than this sample. The question then: What are we training up our children to do?

My wife and I were waiting with other groups for a table at a restaurant. One of the groups included a mother with a young child. The child was standing on the mom's feet screaming at the top of her lungs for mom to pick her up. Mom was not complying. I thought, "Don't pick her up. You will only teach her that screaming at the top of her lungs will get her what she wants." I followed that immediately with, "Actually, it's most likely that she's doing that now because you've already taught her that and ... yep, you picked her up and affirmed her training."

Once in a corner drugstore I stood in line at the checkout behind a woman with her young son in the basket. He was holding a large toy truck. As she approached the counter, she told him, "You have to put that down now. I only let you hold it to keep you quiet." He understood her reasoning and responded, "No!" She continued to reason with the child. "Mommy doesn't have enough money for that truck. You have to put it down." Recognizing her dilemma, the child answered, "No!" She lapsed into threats. "If you don't put that toy down now, I won't buy you an ice cream." There was hesitation this time, then, "No!" Time for the serious consequences. "If you don't put it down now, I won't take you horseback riding this afternoon." Now, why a three-year-old was going horseback riding this afternoon was moot to me. Apparently the threat was dire because he promptly answered, "No!" As I reached the counter for my turn to checkout, she was handing him the truck (which she apparently did have the money to purchase) and telling him, "Let's go get you an ice cream and then we can go horseback riding." What did he learn? Stand your ground; Mom is not a threat. She will give you whatever you want.

And they learn that well. I was talking once to a high school girl who was friends with my high school girl. I asked the girls, "What percentage of kids in your school have parents who by them cars?" They both answered a very high percentage ... something over 75%. The girl told me, "My parents are buying me a new car for my birthday next month when I turn 16." "Oh," I said, "it must be nice to have parents who love you that much." Her response was stunning, tragic, ... and telling. "Love me? They don't love me. They just want to keep me quiet and out of their hair."

It seems, these days, that parents are no longer interested in training up their children in the way the children should go. They are interested in peace. Do whatever it takes to keep the child from making a scene or disturbing the parents' day. So they set them in front of the TV and buy them whatever they want. The child determines things like bed time and boundaries. The parents assure me, "We just want our little ones to be able to fully express themselves." And they do ... on their feet on the table at the restaurant at the tops of their lungs. Oh, no, that won't do. Now Mom and Dad (assuming this is not one of the more than 30% of children who are not in a single-parent home -- which teaches them other things, doesn't it?) are embarrassed. Time to exert some parenting. "Johnny! Stop that!" hissed loudly. Yeah, that's working. "You're disturbing the patrons." Good stuff! Johnny has now noticed that everyone is looking and victory is his. The parents' weak smile that says "What are you gonna do?" to the rest of the restaurant doesn't really impress me.

I'd like to think that it's just a product of unbelievers. I'd like to think that Christians can read their Bibles and know better. I'd like to think that Christians love their children better than unbelievers do simply by virtue of having that new life and by the power of the Spirit at work in them. Evidence denies what I'd like to think. Evidence suggests that the Christian parents who love their children are rare indeed. Most blindly stick their little ones in front of the television, put them on the computer, teach them that "social networking" is something done in front of a monitor, not in person. They train them to do what it takes to get what they want, that authority is irrelevant, that they should give up nothing. They teach them by example that love is not sacrificial because they don't sacrificially love their spouse. They teach them that the highest thing you should seek is your own self-interest, and means are not important.

The sad truth about Solomon's wise statement on child-rearing is that if you train up a child in any way, he is not likely to deviate from it when he is old. Are you actually training your child(ren)? You are. The question, then, is what are you teaching them by word, deed, and example? I pray for this next generation because it is looking pretty bleak in many quarters.

8 comments:

Danny Wright said...

At least two elements of the perfect storm that lies down the track for us involves the convergence of the self-centered attitude with which recent generations have been raised and the failure of the ponzi scheme that now constitutes our modern economic policies; and which we are now doubling down.

Stan said...

"the failure of the ponzi scheme that now constitutes our modern economic policies"

Interesting perspective. I'll have to look at that closer.

As for "the self-centered attitude with which recent generations have been raised", on one hand I'd say that all generations have been raised on self-centered attitudes -- but they've been taught that showing it is bad -- while, on the other hand, it seems clear that the more recent generations have been taught to revel in it. All humans are naturally self-centered. We used to be taught that it was bad. Now they're being taught that it's glorious.

Stan said...

Oh, this is interesting, Dan. Apparently Albert Mohler reads my stuff because he wrote something on the same topic as today's and yesterday's entries. Okay, so I'd actually consider it a coincidence of sorts (as opposed to plagiarism), but, still ...

Danny Wright said...

Like you said, great minds...

Paul Steele said...

And we wonder why 75% of Christian kids walk way from faith once they leave home. I think that so much of what we are facing as a culture and as the Church begins at home.

Stan said...

Absolutely, Paul! I am convinced that the economic crisis and the morality crisis and the crime problem and the political crisis and the health care crisis ... okay, you get the idea ... is a product of home crisis first.

Sherry said...

It IS "looking pretty bleak in many quarters" for this next generation. So many adults are fighting depression these days while trying to raise their children. Their depression causes a lack of interest in things they once loved and depletes the high level of energy generally needed to be good parents. I think so many parents are just trying to "get by" day-to-day themselves that they have little left for their kids. So many families who once used to all live under the same roof are now fractured into multiple "broken" homes by divorces or desertions, which, among other things, must make all those children involved highly sceptical of their own prospects of ever having happy families and life-long marriages. So many of today's students must be wondering if all their many years of efforts to get good (or even just passing) grades will really even much matter or be good enough to land them a job once they are finally out of school. Being in school (no matter how much they might hate it) must seem a lot safer place to be than the big, scary, unpredictable "outside" world of adults! Some of their parents have lost their jobs and may be starting to lose hope of ever finding any kind of dependable work again. These are some of the words, deeds, and examples under which our kids are being raised.

A lot of parents aren't doing a good job of raising their kids up in the ways in which they should go because the parents can't even figure out which ways THEY should go.

Yes, I'd say that MUCH prayer is needed for this next generation. We are living in a world of hurt and our kids are suffering from so many of us not being the strong examples and decisive leaders they so badly need. They need to be able to see HOPE of potentially bright futures ahead of them. They need to walk in the knowledge that they are adopted sons and daughters of God Himself, possess a healthy understanding of just how powerful and loving their God is, be transformed by His love, and believe that HE will take care of them.

Stan said...

Amen, Sherry.