On more than one occasion I've written about corporal punishment. I know, I know, I'm not in a majority. But I'm guessing that 1) the Bible doesn't have the same authority for the majority that it has for me, and 2) the majority isn't in agreement with God anyway. You have to work pretty hard to move away from the clear support in Scripture for spanking your kids. Still, it is so often misunderstood.
And I understand that ... I really do. By far the most common perception of corporal punishment is that it is brought on by an angry parent. I had a conversation with a coworker years ago who assured me that it was impossible to spank a child without being mad. The other day I pointed out to my daughter, "I don't know if you've noticed, but you've been with us for a month and I haven't yet spanked one of your kids." She said, "Yeah, I noticed. I'm afraid what it will be like when it happens." You see, she was quite sure that when I got angry enough I'd start swatting. I mentioned it to my wife and she said, "Yeah, they haven't pushed you far enough yet." So if you disagree with me regarding spanking and that it isn't necessarily a product of anger, I understand. You're not alone. I'm pretty sure that when I mention it to people, the first thing that comes to mind is the standard angry parent inflicting abuse, not discipline. I get it.
As I tried to explain to my wife, I had rules when I was raising my own -- rules I still carry today. Maybe, just maybe, if I share them with you, you might begin to see that it could be that it is possible to carry out corporal punishment (as I believe is clearly expected in the Bible) without being an angry, abusive parent. So, here it is.
Rule #1: The only valid motivation for discipline of any sort is love. It must be the underlying motivation and the end game. Part of loving your child is to want the best for him or her (or them). So my rules and intentions were always based on important principles, not personal preferences. They needed to learn how to get along in the world, how to face life, how to manage relationships, and that sort of thing. Protecting my own comfort or peace or property was not the issue. I always intended to do the best I could for my children out of love. Or, to put it another way, I was not the issue. I always tried to make it clear to my kids that I disciplined out of love, that I didn't enjoy it, and that I loved them even if I had to discipline them.
Rule #2: Corporal punishment is the last option. It is for a specific situation. Corporal punishment was only one tool in a toolbox of options. A wise parent selects the most effective tool for the job, and spanking is not always that best tool. So I reserved spanking for cases of direct, intentional disobedience. I didn't spank over spilled milk or the like. It was only when it was overt rebellion.
Rule #3: Assume the best. Recognizing Rule #1, one of the characteristics of love, according to 1 Corinthians 13, is that love expects the best of the loved one. So I would always try to assume the best of my children. For first offense, then, I started with the belief that they simply didn't know that they were violating any rules. I explained in ways they would understand as carefully I could what the rule was in that particular case. On the second offense, I would assume that they had simply forgotten. It wasn't intentional; it was accidental. It slipped their minds. So, in this event I would explain the rule again, make sure they understood and remembered, and explained the consequences of a third violation. You see, in a third violation, it would become apparent that it was not ignorance or forgetfulness. It was rebellion.
Rule #4: Be consistent. Never make threats you don't intend to carry out. (That whole "I brought you into the world; I'll take you out" thing may be funny, but it's foolishness.) Always carry out the (reasonable) threat. If there is any way possible, both parents need to be in full agreement. And never, never discipline in anger. If you're mad, they'll be getting away with it. In that case, you're the problem.
I noticed a few things as a parent who disciplined under these rules. I noticed that when my children knew that I intended to carry out the threat I made, they rarely felt the need to press it. So I rarely needed to actually carry out the threat. When I did have to escalate the situation to the end, I needed to make sure that they understood I loved them. They were used to being hugged while they cried from the discipline. I can't remember ever having to repeat that discipline for that event. And in the end, when I asked my kids, "Did you ever think, 'Dad doesn't love me'?", they were quite sure that they were loved.
I agree that physical discipline can be abused. I agree that it is possible, even easy to spank out of anger. But I draw the line there. You see, if the Bible teaches it (which is unavoidable if you read it for what it says) and your motivation is love (which is an equally clear command from Scripture), then it must be both possible and good to discipline your children ... including corporal punishment. Maybe it's not easily understood and maybe my wife and my step-daughter don't get it, but if I have to choose between their opinion and the Word, I'll take the Word.
5 comments:
Not only are you in the minority but you're in a shinking minority. This is proof that God doesn't have a clue when it comes to raising children... doesn't it? Better just let God take care of all the important stuff like peace and prosperity and leave the raising of our children to people who know what they're doing, like Dr. Spock. Just don't expect God to extend the whole peace thing to the times we're walking the streets alone after dark.
I'm pretty sure that most people don't think like that (that is, overtly), but I'm stunned at the number of times genuine believers say, by these types of perspectives, "God doesn't actually know what He's doing."
Just a few comments:
I never, ever doubted that my parents loved me when I got spankings. I might have been mad at them or myself for a short while at times but I always knew they loved me. I could tell they weren't enjoying themselves while spanking us kids either. There was no joy in it for them.
Because they had set rules with us kids, I well KNEW I had done something wrong and that I was DESERVING OF some type of punishment. And my punishments varied; they certainly weren't always spankings. But, when considering intentionally doing something I KNEW was wrong and that, if I got caught, I might get a spanking, that was always a pretty good deterrent. If I had known I was only going to get talked to or have something taken away, I would usually think, "No sweat!"
Sitting there listening to your parent scold you isn't all that bad or painful! It only "hurt" my ears a little bit for a little while, then I was back up and runnning! Big deal. What kid wouldn't choose that?! That's getting off easy!
Pretty much everyone got spankings when they were kids, up until just a few decades ago, so they were generally expected if you misbehaved and therefore NOT that big a deal for most kids. My bottom would sting for a bit afterwards but it left no lasting scars ~ physically or emotionally. (I know. My parents didn't lose control and spank out of anger.) Now it's considered abusive. 'That poor little kid got a spanking! Those wicked, idiot parents! They could have just talked to him, or withheld some privilege. But they actually struck him!'
Our school district's once-a-week music teacher carried a paddle and he would use it if needed. Kids had given him dozens and dozens of new paddles as gifts over his career because they loved the guy. It was sort of a joke about him... Mr. Cole and his paddle(s). It kept the kids in line because it was embarrassing to get swatted on the butt in front of everyone! It hurt kids' pride probably much more than their behinds.
I think it's too bad some of today's teachers can't do more than just send disrespectful, profane-mouthed, rebellious students who make their workdays even harder and more demanding than they already are off to see the principal who then just sits and talks to them. Sometimes, if a kid is REALLY unruly, they get sent home from school, which is actually a REWARD for a kid who hates it there anyway! Then some of them come back and brag about all that happened to them. I don't recall any kids who got paddled on their butts in front of everyone bragging about it afterwards. It was considered a shameful thing to essentially "get a spanking" in front of your peers.
Rear ends are padded, maybe for more than one reason. Maybe God knew what He was talking about.
Sherry, welcome to the minority corner. ;)
I'm being sent to the corner? Ow. Such punishment.
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