Making Good Kids

Our local Christian radio talk show host did a show last week on whether or not it's good to reward kids for being good. He was concerned that in doing so we were simply making self-centered children who did what was good to get something good (or to avoid punishment). What he wanted to know from the audience was "How can parents cultivate goodness rather than merely good behavior. I wasn't able to call in and give him my two cents, primarily because I had a lot more than two cents to say.

I fully understand the concern. How do we make good people out of our kids? When I was younger, my mom and I talked about this. She said that there was a difference between children and cocker spaniels. You see, we can train a cocker spaniel, by reward or by punishment, to do the right thing. We can teach it not to beg at the table and not to mess in the house. Of course, when the reward or punishment is no longer around, what will the spaniel do? Or, more to the point, when you're no longer there to direct behavior (you know, like when they go to college), what will make a child still do what is right? In order to make a child behave after the fact, there has to be something more.

Well, I had to think of what I know about the topic from the Bible. I know, for instance, that Proverbs is full of stuff about raising kids. Most obvious is the classic "train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it." So, if the Bible tells me to train my children, I would have to assume I need to train my children. (See? It's not rocket science ... which is a good thing since I'm not a rocket scientist.)

Of course, it would be more helpful if we had a good example of what it means to train children. Does the Bible offer anything like that? Well, it doesn't take long to find the perfect Father. So how does God raise His own? Oddly, it appears that He starts by teaching right and wrong and enforces it by means of ... reward or punishment. He told Israel that if they obeyed they would be blessed and if they disobeyed they would suffer. Now, it might be argued that this was "early training". What about "older" mankind? Well, Scripture seems to indicate that this is always God's way. He warns of punishment and offers rewards. Could it be that reward and punishment isn't necessarily bad in itself?

In the final analysis, however, we find something in Scripture that speaks to the fundamental nature of human beings ... which would include our children. The question was "How do I teach my kids to be actually good?" Paul answers, "None is righteous, no, not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God. All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one" (Rom 3:10-12). That's no downstream accusation. It goes out of its way to leave no options. Number of people righteous? "No, not one." Number who turn aside? "All." How many parents produce good children? Well, if "no one does good, not even one," then the answer is zero. How do you make genuinely good children? You don't.

So ... how do people get to be good? There is only one way. Here's what Paul says: "It is God who is at work in you both to will and to do His good pleasure." I would suggest that the way people get to be good is only by virtue of God actually working in them. You can't train them. Parents can't produce it. It's a God thing.

So where does that leave us? Just let them go? Don't worry about it? Back to the example we have, God understands that we are sinners, but He still goes about encouraging us by reward and punishment to do what is right. If the best we achieve is enlightened self-centeredness, we're still well-behaved, which is better than the alternative. On the other hand, if we teach our kids what good looks like, when God enters and begins motivating them and empowering them, the distance to genuine good is much less. I would think that would be an advantage.

One other point I need to make. If we teach our kids that by being well-behaved they have earned something, if we teach them that doing what they're supposed to is genuine good, if we teach them that doing good actually merits something, if we teach them that they're actually good (an example would be to say "good kids don't do that"), we're lying to them. Since our Father uses reward and punishment to encourage good behavior, I'd say that it's good for us as well. That doesn't require that we tell them that good behavior is genuine goodness. That would contradict Scripture, wouldn't it?