New Ministers

I caught a glimpse of a game show the other day and the contestant was identified as an "interfaith minister". An interfaith minister? Where did she get that? What made her an interfaith minister? What was an interfaith minister? I had to know. So I looked it up.

Northernway.org offers its visitors the opportunity to become an ordained minister. It's simple. Just write a one-page biography, write a paragraph about what you do now and how being a minister will help you, fill out the application, and send it in with $150. There you go! Ordained minister! Of course, you'll have to decide what kind of minister you want to be. You could be an Interfaith Minister, an Esoteric Minister, a Spiritual Minister, a Psychic Minister, or one of a whole list of other titles including Gnostic, Druid, Teutonic, and "Healing Touch" Ministers. But hurry! The offer won't last forever.

The site clues us in on just what an "Interfaith Minister" really is. The goal of this minister is to "heal gaps between the many disparate religious faiths." It requires that "you recognize all positive spiritual paths regardless of denomination, including healing and earth-based traditions and make no judgements against other valid spiritual faiths." Ahhh, how nice! Here's what you agree to. There are a host of "valid spiritual faiths" (completely disregarding the fact that almost all faiths claim to be exclusive ... a complete breakdown of any rational thinking). Your goal is to, well, make people feel better regardless of what they believe. You'll want to reach the disenfranchised and assure them that, despite what some religions teach about exclusivity and all, they're actually just fine with God ... or Allah ... or whatever deity they happen to like. There, there, it'll be okay. No, no, don't engage your brain! That will just mess things up!

Now, to be an "Esoteric Minister" they require standards. "We ask that you study our tenets of faith to make sure you are in line with the esoteric philosophy of the church." Fortunately, the standards are pure mush. Their first tenet: "We believe esoteric Christianity offers ... [a] way of self-knowledge - a way, perhaps, to the ultimate knowledge of Self." They resolve conflicts like "How do you read the Bible?" by suggesting that "the Bible has always been meant to be read on several different levels, of which the literal is only one and in fact the lowest." There are, they are certain, many paths to God. "It is up to the individual to be the final authority in honestly seeking out that which is spiritually true." And who knows where "future spiritual evolution" will go? There are no limits. There you go ... esoteric.

The "Spiritual Minister" refers to mystics who directly connect with the Divine. The "Psychic Minister" serves "by use of extra-sensory skills and conscious interaction with the multi-verse (universe)." But don't limit yourself. They can provide a whole list of made-to-order titles. Whatever you want to be! Since you decide what is true, whatever you decide is, therefore, true and you should minister using it.

Somehow I wouldn't find myself comforted by someone who taught that "all truth is whatever I say it is" and "Oh, by the way, there is actually nothing that is absolutely true, so back off, Christians!" But, hey, a "beautiful Ordination Certificate with gold raised seal" ... might not that be worth the $150? No thanks.