It was something I had to deal with all my growing up years. Born not quite two years behind me, he was always close. He started school a year early because before he went into kindergarten he was already reading and doing simple arithmetic. Imagine taking the same Physics class with him in high school -- even sitting next to him -- and not doing as well as he did. Yes, my brother is a lot smarter than I am.
But it's not just my brother. All of my siblings have a higher education than I do. They're all a lot smarter than I am. So in my obsessing over my brother's brains in high school and comparing myself to those around me, I entirely missed the fact that I graduated in the top 5% of my class. It didn't matter. I was stupid. My brother was smart. I was a dummy.
Of course, it's all nonsense. The key to the problem was in the phrase "comparing myself to those around me". What a foolish thing to do! It was utter arrogance on my part. God prepared me to be what He prepared me to be. He arranged for me to have the intelligence and every other capacity that I would need to accomplish what He wanted me to accomplish. And I thumbed my nose at Him and said, "If only You had done a better job, God! You made me defective!" To which He replied, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness" (2 Cor. 12:9).
How embarrassing! When God said that to Paul, he was suffering from a thorn in the flesh. He was suffering. Me? I was simply suffering from stinkin' thinkin'. I had forgotten (or not quite realized) that "Thine eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Thy book they were all written, the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them" (Psa. 139:16). When I complained to God, "Why have you made me thus?!!", He replied, in essence, "Because I wanted to ... is that okay with you?"
I still struggle with it from time to time -- comparing myself to those around me. But I try to remember and I try to respond as Job did: "Behold, I am insignificant; what can I reply to Thee? I lay my hand on my mouth" (Job 40:4). I actually take great comfort in Job's final response to God's inquisition:
"I know that Thou canst do all things, and that no purpose of Thine can be thwarted. 'Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?' Therefore I have declared that which I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know. 'Hear, now, and I will speak; I will ask Thee, and do Thou instruct me.' I have heard of Thee by the hearing of the ear; but now my eye sees Thee; therefore I retract, and I repent in dust and ashes" (Job 42:2-6)Whatever you want to do with me, Great Potter, is perfectly okay with me. You are God; I am not. Help me not to compare myself with others around me. It only leads to foolish thinking. Help me to keep my mind staid on You and You can keep me in perfect peace.
2 comments:
Stan, I so understand what you have posted today -- and I did the very same thing (I being the youngest of 4) yet it was because I was told I WAS NOT AS SMART as my older siblings by none other than my mom. How those words wounded me then, and you know what? I still try to live up to her expectations and believe I still DO NOT nor will I ever live up to them. I was the 'unexpected' and 'unwanted' child - as I was told when I was around 7-9 years of age. But -- after the words came from her mouth, mom -- realized what she said and tried to smooth it over with 'o, but we love you now that you are here'. Did they have a choice? I suppose. I said all of this not because I want pity or whatever -- but to help others see that the words of parents and/or grandparents do influnence who you become. I became a doubter ... about a lot in life -- but mostly about me. To this day (and I am 50 something now) I still don't see that I can do anything without a lot of encouragment. Still full of self doubt of my ability and my worth.
I like the scriptures you refer to and it saddens this heart to know that I have sadden the heart of God with my self-doubt about the person He created. I know that I am 'fearfully and wonderfully made' and that He made me for a time such as this, as He did Esther in her time... now to move all this head knowledge into my heart and have a more positive outlook about who I am in Christ, without having to mentally compare myself to my sibilings or friends.
Food for thought, food for medition.
In the palm of His hands,
LouAnn
I carry this problem around ... and my parents never compared me and told me not to do it either. I cannot imagine how difficult it would be if my family had encouraged this kind of destructive comparison.
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