In Ephesians, Paul writes some controversial things about husband and wife relations. You know, "wives, submit" and "husbands, give self up." I've written about them before. I don't need to rehash them. But one I've generally skipped, and that's primarily because ... I'm not entirely sure what to do with it. At the end of the section on wives and husbands (Eph 5:22-33), Paul writes ... a summary, as it were. "Let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband" (Eph 5:33).
It's interesting here that Paul seems to parallel "wives, submit" with "wives, respect." Apparently there is a connection. But it's really the word there that gives me pause. Every translation says something like "reverence" (KJV), "respect" (ESV, NAS, etc.), or "show deference" (LITV). Okay, fine. But ... the word used is "phobeō," as in "fear, alarm, terror." Now, wait! No one translates it that way (here -- lots of them translate it that way elsewhere). So why is it "respect" rather than "fear"? And it's not just Paul. Peter says, "In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior" (1 Peter 3:1-2). See it? "Respectful behavior." Same word. Scripture uses the word elsewhere and it's not translated "fear," especially in terms of God. We're supposed to "fear God" but many use "reverence" or the like there, too. And maybe there's a clue there. We mean something in the word "fear" that may have different connotations. Other words, now migrated to new meanings, carry this sense of "fear" that isn't "abject terror." "Awe" meant (until fairly recently) "an emotion variously combining dread, veneration, and wonder that is inspired by authority or by the sacred or sublime." Did you see that "dread"? That is, "this thing is so big that it's kind of scary." In fact, "respect" has changed, too. It means "to esteem" these days, but in the past it had a sense of awe in it, too ... a sense of deference.
So ... maybe everything is okay. Maybe the translations aren't "hiding something." Maybe "fear" isn't the best translation here. I'm not sure, given today's version, that "respect" gets it anymore, either. We think of "respect" as "a deep admiration." And we often misunderstand that. For instance, "You have to earn respect" isn't necessarily true. Sometimes you need to respect the office, not the person. As in, "See that she respects her husband." Not the man. Not his character. His role. His position. So this "respect" is less "deep admiration" and more "reverence" or "deference" ... with a little bit of fear or dread involved. It's not just "thinking highly of." It's recognizing the task and position God has assigned him ... as God's representative in the home. "Even if any of them are disobedient to the word" (1 Peter 3:1).
4 comments:
I can feel the difficulty. We don't want it wives to be living in fear of us, but just as we believers don't fear God, we do need to have a sense of fearful admiration. It's not a fear of wrath or punishment, but of the power and authority. It is a hard concept to talk about without confusion.
I was talking to a friend a while back. He told me, "My wife told me, 'I respect you,' and I told her, 'No, you don't.'" He was talking about that same difference in meaning. She held him in high regard ... but no ... fear. And even when I say that, I get that the "fear" I'm talking about isn't what most people think of.
This was a helpful look at that additional stress to wives to respect as well as submit. I can see the element of dread or fear that would accompany a wife’s intentional decision to trust one’s husband to lead and to make good decisions for her welfare. The admission, “I’m putting my life in your hands,” comes to mind, and her submission to his leadership--his ability and commitment to take proper care of her--can be a bit unnerving (especially in the case of new relationships, where that trust and respect hasn’t yet built up to assure her); yet, she can commit to trusting her husband as she does the Lord. As surely as love would lead to submission, so too will respect.
I will add that as a Christian wife who very much respects the husband God has gifted her, it is so blessed to understand both Paul’s and Peter’s instructions properly, removing for me any fear towards my husband that might exist in these two common ways: (1) fearing that he will use his leadership role to bully and demean me; and (2) fearing any mistreatment of me as a “weaker vessel” (1 Pet. 3:7)--particularly physically. As you point out, Eph. 5:22-33 taken as a whole puts this mutual submission in love as co-heirs in Christ in reassuring context.
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