Others

Have you ever noticed how little "other" plays into our thinking over "self"? It seems as if all of life is aimed at "self" rather than anyone else.

Take sex, for instance. Today we've pretty much dismissed the notion that there is anything wrong with, say, masturbation because no one but "self" is involved and it simply provides personal pleasure. Beyond explicitly personal pleasure, we tend to think of all of sex in terms of personal pleasure. Maybe it's "I'm not in the mood" (self) or maybe it's "You're not satisfying my needs" (self). Even the "enlightened" ones might say, "I get the most pleasure out of sex when you are most satisfied" (which, if you note, begins with "I get the most pleasure" -- self). If you try to suggest anything else here, you're crazy. "Maybe wives should give themselves to their husbands regardless of their personal moods." "Sexist!" "Maybe you ought to consider your wife's feelings and indulge her preferences rather than your own." "Lunatic!" Always, "I should be able to get satisfaction in the bedroom!" Self.

Take marriage, for instance. We meet, pursue, marry, and relate to our spouses primarily with self in mind. "Will she/he make me happy?" "Does he/she have the attributes I most appreciate?" "Is my husband/wife meeting my needs/desires/wishes?" We want to know if they are fulfilling us, meeting our expectations, satisfying us, with almost no thought to the reverse. "Of course I'm a good husband/wife. That's not the question here." Self.

Take work, as an example. What everyone wants is a job that makes them feel satisfied, a job they enjoy, a job that recognizes their talents and skills, a job that is fulfilling. Can you possibly miss the utter "self" in all of that? Does anyone think, "Does my vocation provide for others, give to others, fulfill others, meet others' needs?" Self.

Even church is out there. What the vast majority are looking for is satisfation. "I go to the church I go to because it makes me feel ____" and we'll tell how it makes us feel good or "because they bless me" or even "because they're in line with my views." Has anyone said, "I go to that church because it provides so many opportunities to serve others"? That is not "self" thinking. We typically approach church for what it can give me rather than what I can provide. Self.

In fact, I'm not at all sure there isn't an aspect of life in which this doesn't occur. Even among Christians. Oddly enough, it is precisely the opposite focus of the Bible.

On the question of sexual relations, biblically, sex is reserved for marriage and marriage alone. In that context, Paul says, "The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another..." (1 Cor 7:3-5). Not self. Biblically, sex is for reasons other than self-gratification. Is masturbation wrong? I'd suggest that if it feeds your self-centered desires for self-serving pleasure, it can't be good or wise, can it?

On the question of marriage, God made woman as a "helpmeet" (Gen 2:18), a suitable helper. Husbands, then, were not commanded to satisfy their self-interests, but to love their wives, give themselves to her, and live with her in an understanding way. Wow! Nothing in any of that about "self". And wives were commanded to submit, to respect, to serve. Again, I'm not seeing "self-fulfillment", "self-satisfaction", or any of the other "self" concepts so popular today.

Church, biblically, isn't about "being fed" or "meeting felt needs". It's about "As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another" (1 Peter 4:10) and "building up the body of Christ" (Eph 4:12) and "make disciples of all nations" (Matt 28:19). Again, nothing in there about "self".

In general we see quite clearly Paul's command, "Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others" (Phil 2:3-4). Jesus said, "By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another" (John 13:35). Make that fit in a "self" context if you can¹.

The sin nature is a self-centered nature. Christians understand that we are supposed to consider ourselves dead to sin (Rom 6:11), but we miss the underlying principle that our hearts are deceitful and desperately sick (Jer 17:9) and we end up arguing in defense of things premised on self without thinking. Scripture calls us to a different focus. You'll find it in Jesus's two "Great Commandments".

"You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself" (Matt 22:37-39).

Move on. Leave your self-interests, self-fulfillment, self-satisfaction, self-pleasure up to a divine Father who can most fully satisfy over any petty things you can do for yourself. Instead, try obedience -- an "other" center. It changes perspective, heart, mind, and your relationships both with God and with others. It's a good thing. God said so.
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¹ I know someone is going to try to say, "'As yourself'. See? Self. You need to first love yourself." Note that Scripture assumes self-love without effort (Eph 5:29). That is, already possessing self-love, you are to move on to giving that kind of love to others.