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Saturday, April 21, 2012

The Devil's Advocate

The phrase, "playing the devil's advocate", comes from a task in Roman Catholic polity. When someone was/is nominated for sainthood, a team of people from the Church would go out and gather evidence that so-and-so deserved to be a saint. Another, however, was assigned the task of "digging up dirt", so to speak. This special office served as a canonical lawyer -- the concept of the "advocate". This one -- the "devil's advocate" -- had the job of explaining why the nominee should not be sainted. He served as a check and balance against falsely declaring someone a saint who didn't deserve the position. Of course, that's a Catholic thing. We who are not Catholic believe with Scripture that all believers are saints. But I'm interested here in the concept of a lawyer for the devil. I present to you, then, a Cease and Desist order from the Devil's Advocate.
________

Dear Christians:

This law firm represents Satan. If you are represented by legal counsel, you might think of directing this letter to your attorney immediately and have your attorney notify us of such representation. Don’t bother.

You are hereby directed to cease and desist all defamation of Satan’s character, reputation, and plans.

Satan is a respected entity in the community. He has spent years serving the community in his campaign against religion and morality – well, against God – and building a positive reputation. Satan is aware that you continue to engage in spreading destructive and defamatory rumors about him.

Your defamatory statements involved references to the Bible as truth and then leaping to the conclusions like "because the Bible says that homosexual behavior is a sin, it's a sin". You have suggested that he is "the god of this world" and that he has blinded people. You have made him out to be the "father of lies" and "the prince of the power of the air", and not in a good way. You have portrayed him as seeking to destroy God's work and His people. Surely you can see that none of this is complimentary regardless of whether or not it's true. And then you suggest that he was beaten at the Cross and defeated at the Resurrection? Obviously these statements demean and degrade our client.

Accordingly, we demand that you immediately cease and desist your defamation of Satan and provide us with prompt assurance within ten (10) days that you will cease and desist from further defamation of Satan’s character and reputation.

If you do not comply with this cease and desist demand within this time period, Satan, as a roaring lion, is entitled to seek damages and equitable relief for your defamation. In the event you fail to meet this demand, please be advised that Satan has asked us to communicate to you that he will pursue all available remedies, including seeking damages, swaying public opinion, and additional co-opting of your government and societal laws to more closely align with his schemes. Your liability and exposure under such action could be considerable.

Before taking these steps, however, my client wished to give you one opportunity to discontinue your disruptive conduct by complying with this demand within ten (10) days. You have been warned.

I recommend that you do not consult with an attorney regarding this matter. Please contact me directly or, in your own best interest, stop making claims regarding biblical truth.

Sincerely,

The Devil’s Advocate
Legal Counsel for Satan

2 comments:

072591 said...

To the Advocate:

I have read your Cease and Desist order with great interest. I admit that in light of the current conduct of your client, this was a pleasant surprise. That being said, I cannot comply with your order, nor is it enforceable. Here are the facts regarding the issue at hand:

1) I am not recognized as a subject of your client's kingdom; hence, any decree he may make toward subjects are null and void, as I am not part of that group. Your client's actions toward me confirm this fact that he does not recognize me as a subject.

2) While I am not a subject of your client's kingdom, I do currently reside within its border, so it could be argued that I am bound by the general laws and commands given, provided they are not exclusively toward the kingdom's subjects.

3) I am, however a subject of a different Kingdom, and it is those laws to which I am bound to. Now, those laws do affirm Point #2, as long as they do not require violation of the laws of the Kingdom that I am subject to.

4) The specific actions that your client wishes me to cease are actions that I am required to do by the laws of the Kingdom I am a part of; hence, to obey this order would require me to violate the laws that I am subject to.

5) As for the threat of sanctions against me for noncompliance, it is important to remember that the kingdom of your client is currently in an active war against the Kingdom I am a part of; as such, the Geneva Convention on the treatment of prisoners of war is explicit that neither criminal nor civil sanctions may be held against an opposing soldier. This convention, held within the borders of your client's jurisdiction - and involving agents acting on his behalf, prevents him from taking those actions.

6) As for other sanctions (e.g. loss of reputation, potential economic sanctions, etc.), these are actions your client is taking now. There is no reason to believe, or even suspect, that he would cease those actions, particularly in light of Point #5.

In conclusion, your Cease and Desist demands are not reasonable for somebody in my position, and I must respectfully decline, fully aware of the consequences of that rejection. But in the words of the philosopher Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, "Just ... bring it."

Stan said...

Thanks. That was fun, too, in the same spirit as my post. I can't imagine, of course, that the god of this world, the prince of the power of the air, would feel the least bit bound by the Geneva Convention, but it was a fun read.