Years ago my wife went through a bout of depression. The pastor thought it was beyond his counseling skills, so he sent her to a Christian counselor. As part of this counselor's approach, she asked that I come in for an interview. In the course of the discussion, I explained to her my viewpoint on marriage.
Most people think of marriage as a 50-50 proposition. He gives 50% and she gives 50% and you have a whole marriage. I don't see it that way. The Bible tells husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the Church. Christ didn't offer 50% and wait for 50% to make a whole relationship. He gave 100%. I told her that was my approach. I loved my wife 100%. Now, the question is how can you do that? The reason for the 50-50 proposition is that while you're giving out to another, you need to receive. You know, everyone has needs. If you keep giving and receive nothing, eventually you run out. But that, I told her, is taken care of in the love God has for me. I am already perfectly loved. I don't need more than perfection. So, since I am already perfectly loved by the Father, I can love my wife fully without requiring anything in return. So when I give 100%, the least I can expect in my marriage is a 100% marriage. If she gives in return, I can actually get more than a 100% marriage. It's a bonus! And I'm grateful. The Christian counselor told me I was crazy.
I admit it is a bit ethereal. We all know there is a bit of a disconnect between human love and God's love because, well, a human can give you a hug when you need it. I've heard it said, in fact, that we are to be the arms of God. I get that. So I can see how someone would think it's crazy to rely on God and not require anything from your spouse. I think they're wrong, but I can see it.
Funny thing. I have come to realize a previously unknown truth. The question, you see, is if I'm so busy caring for my wife, who's caring for me? You know ... "What about me??!!" The presumption is that love is sacrifice and that's it. But I found something different. I found that my greatest joy is in loving my wife. It's not a sacrifice. It's not a trial, a job, a task, a duty. It's a pleasure. That is, taking care of my wife takes care of me. When I work at pleasing my wife, it pleases me.
And then I found that I should have known that all along, shouldn't I? After all, Paul wrote, "He who loves his own wife loves himself" (Eph 5:28). No ... it's not crazy.
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For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. (Luke 9:24)
Ah, but where is the up side? Sure, it's noble and right to lose one's life to save it, but what about now? What about me? The good news here is that losing my life actually produces joy.
Stan,
"The Christian counselor told me I was crazy." There, now its official.
This whole idea of 50/50 in marriage really bugs me as well, so count me among the crazy. You presented the positive argument for looking at marriage as a 100% proposition. There is also the negative argument against the 50/50. Namely, it limits the husband and the wife. "I've given my 50%, so i've done my job, i'm done giving" is about how I believe the thinking would have to go. Each party is restricted to giving a maximum of 50% to the marriage. "I'll take the children to the ball game, but you're going to have to clean the house 'cause it's 50/50." Why would anyone want to limit a spouse to just 50% effort in marriage?
Hmmm, yes, I see your point! I was thinking that saving one's life is not just about getting a ticket to heaven for when you die but finding and experiencing abundant life now. I am never so much mine as when I am completely His.
But do you find that the motives behind our giving are crucial? We don't give to get but rather our giving is a response to God's love and grace. When we give with the specific goal of getting, the experience of receiving is empty. To receive with a joy that motivates us to keep on giving we must give from a place of selflessness and service to others, which usually entails earthly sacrifice and hardship.
Thanks for the great reminder.
Exactly, Jeremy. How many marriages run into trouble because "I was doing my part but he/she just wasn't doing theirs"? Biblical marriage is not predicated on "I'll give to her if she gives to me", but "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the Church". Ouch!
Phil,
Absolutely motivation is a key component of doing good. Self-centeredness won't work. The problem I have, however, is this concept that "We don't give to get" doesn't align with Scripture. It's a popular line from the world's thinking, but it doesn't line up with the biblical view. Think about it. How many times are we presented with promises and warnings -- promises of good for doing good and warnings of bad for doing evil? The Bible is full of these kinds of things. In the Beatitudes, the blessed people were blessed because they had good things coming to them. The New Testament lists multiple "crowns" as rewards for those who do what is right. And these various rewards are given by God as motivators to do what is right. In fact, Jesus said He came to give us abundant life. I wrote a little about this earlier this year.
Think of it this way. Let's say I love my wife as I am commanded. Now, is it better if I love my wife out of a sense of duty without regard to my own response, or is she most valued when I love my wife out of the sheer pleasure of doing so? "Why do you treat me so well?" she asks. What would she want to hear? "Because it's my duty" or "Because I just can't help myself; it gives me such delight to love you."?
I disagree that the best motivation is selflessness. I don't find that in Scripture. I find it in the world. It isn't practical or reasonable. And it doesn't honor those to whom I am doing what is right. I think we've bought a lie when we bought that idea that the only time good is honorable is when it doesn't benefit me. I think God suggests otherwise.
I'd suggest that counselor is in an extreme minority. I've been in the mental health field. I've many friends who are counselors and marriage counselors. I've never heard of any counselor suggesting NOT giving 100% to the marriage.
That's a basic counseling starting point, from my experience. google "marriage counseling giving 100%" and you'll see that it seems many people agree.
Hmmm interesting thoughts, you response to Phil.'
BTW, count me among the crazies, or maybe more aptly put, the peculiar.
It appears, Dan Trabue, that you missed the point. I wasn't casting aspersions on the mental health field. I was sharing an experience. Beyond that, it wasn't about the counselor in particular, but about the large number of folks who believe that marriage is a 50/50 proposition and "If she/he doesn't meet me halfway, it's not going to work." It's this idea that "I cannot continue to give without receiving from them in return."
More importantly, it's about the fact that genuine joy can be received from giving apart from receiving in return.
(Psst, Dan Trabue ... did you read any of those Google results? An extreme few of them said "Give 100%." Most were "false positives" from Google. "Yeah, this is what you were looking for." "No it wasn't." You know, like "marriage counseling is about $100 per session" as a valid match. Of those that did, most were like this. One from a Christian wrote, "Over the years, I have told couples that marriage is a 100/0 proposition, meaning each should give 100% without expecting anything in return. That sure sounds good. As they say, it looks good on paper. In real life, it rarely adds up. Frankly, barring some extreme circumstance, like one being totally bedridden, to expect nothing in a marriage is idealism in the extreme. At best, it is a great attitude toward which to strive. Under normal circumstances, if it actually came down to giving 100% and getting nothing, it would take someone who is masochistic or an unbelievable saint to stay in the marriage." In other words, most of them affirmed what I said. It works in theory but can it really work in real life?)
Just agreeing with you, is all, brother and suggesting you weren't alone in your position.
"Christ didn't offer 50% and wait for 50% to make a whole relationship. He gave 100%."
Thank you for posting this! We so agree with you. Too many Christian couples have adopted the world's view of marriage, 50/50. Which basically boils down to "if you do this for me, than I'll do that for you." But Christian Marriage is about dying to yourself. Christ didn't die 50%. He gave His all.
Mike and Wanda
Christian Marriage Today
Stan,
I'm still mulling this over! Since human marriage is compared to Christ's relationship with his church, I am pondering why God bothered to love and redeem sinners like us. He was already completely fulfilled in the mutual joy, love, and felicity of the trinitarian relationships - he did not need to gain anything to satisfy a need. The bible says Jesus endured the shame of the cross 'for the joy set before him' - but maybe that means no more than that the joy at the end of his pain helped him to persevere but it wasn't his primary driving force. Certainly the Lord didn't suffer for us out of duty. In fact, the more I think about it the more unreasonable and inexplicable it seems. But shouldn't our love for others be modelled on God's love for us? Would God say He loves us because He gets such delight out of doing so? Hmm, I suppose He might. (I'm just thinking aloud here - I'm still not sure - but thanks Stan for the stimulating blog.)
I think, Phil, that you actually made the argument for me (and yourself). Scripture gives the reason that Christ endured the cross for us -- "for the joy that was set before Him". Now, we can discuss what that joy was, but it is explicitly the reason that He did it -- joy. And you agree that He didn't die for us out of duty and you agree that God delights in loving us. That's my point. Doing things out of duty without personal gain is not better than doing things because it brings me delight to do it. Loving brings me delight, which only magnifies the value of that love.
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