I have a sweet niece who's getting married this year. I found myself thinking ... what would I want to say to this young man by way of caring advice? She's a believer ... he's a believer. What particular "wisdom" would I want to impart? And Ephesians 5 came to mind.
Before I married my first wife, I had premarital counseling, and the counselor told me, "Remember, 'Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her ...'" (Eph 5:25). "Okay ...yeah," I told myself, "so, like if a burglar breaks in, I should give my life for her. I got it." But ... it wasn't long before she got mad at me and yelled out that she hated me. I'm there, working a night shift as a guard, wondering what went wrong, and that verse came back to me. "I should give myself ... for her?" When it was a loving wife ... easy. But ... one who hates me? But ... it says "as Christ loved the church" and Scripture clearly says, "While we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Rom 5:8), so ... yes ... even for a hostile wife. Fine. That's harder, but ... fine. It wasn't until much later that I discovered the rest. I had finished with Philippians and gone to Ephesians and read that same passage with echoes of Philippians 2 in mind. You know ... "Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus ..." (Php 2:5-8). In that passage, Christ "emptied Himself" (Php 2:7)--same concept--became a servant, and died. And, the Ephesians text says I'm supposed to love my wife that way ... as Christ loved the church and ... gave ... self ... up. Empty myself. Set self aside for her best.
If husbands who follow Christ understood this, I think marriages would be transformed and lives would be changed. I think divorces would nearly vanish among genuine believers and the world would marvel at how we love each other. They might even think it's a bit crazy, but they couldn't deny the depth of a love like that ... a love that gives up self for his wife. And since Paul says that marriage like that "refers to Christ and the church" (Eph 5:31-32), I think it would also be a powerful testimony to the glory of God. That it's not the norm among believing husbands is sad. Sadder still is that it took me so long to see it and I'm still working on it. So ... dear bridegroom ... please ... learn this lesson soon and practice it often. Your one job as a husband is to give self up for her best interests. When you do that, you'll find an amazing marriage, regardless of the quality of the wife. Oh, and this woman you're marrying? She's of the best quality.
4 comments:
I think that it can almost take a lifetime for couples to learn how to love each other well; certainly “laying one’s life down for your wife” isn’t an easy concept to execute--or even to understand. (I often tell my husband, “It’s so nice that you are willing to die for me, but please don’t actually do that. You are no good to me dead.” So rather than die for me, I prefer that he live for me.) It also takes wisdom to ascertain the difference between serving one another … and coddling him/her; between deferring to a spouse’s interests … and enabling the other’s self-centeredness. There is also the reality that seemingly “loving” behavior can actually cause harm to others. In any event, as you learned in your first marriage, it takes more than the husband glibly quoting Eph. 5:25 to build a harmonious marriage; it takes two equally dedicated, giving, and unselfish people. And it is not known for many years--even decades, sometimes--whether even one spouse is of that sort, much less both; unfortunately, there is no guarantee at the onset … only a case of “time will tell.” So, my advice to a betrothed couple must be: (1) choose well, (2) commit (and recommit!) to giving 100%, and (3) hope and pray that your intended will do so as well. Only time will tell.
I think Stan's, and Paul's, point was that you can be content in your marriage, regardless of how your spouse acts, as long as you are serving in the marriage as the Bible instructs.
I might be deemed qualified to offer observations and advice about a successful marriage, since I am in my 48th year of one, but I am fully mindful that credit for that happy longevity goes more to my husband’s godly character than to my performance as a “Proverbs 31 wife”--and to the Lord’s gracious benevolence to us both, of course. Still, I have learned a thing or two (especially having traversed some bumpy spots along the way through the decades). I realize that the Eph. 5:25-33 “formula” succeeds in a supernatural way, as Christian co-spouses apply it in the power of the Holy Spirit. What I find sad is when one’s chosen partner proves to be other than expected and hoped for (as you experienced yourself in your first marriage) and that conscientious effort to “choose well” (which I mentioned in my comment above) does not pan out--despite one’s best intentions. How particularly heartbreaking for a Christian, seeking to marry in the Lord, to experience this! I truly consider it a rare and special blessing from above when two people marry and their union thrives and survives, because this is not a sure thing at all.
Are you thinking that I missed Stan’s point? Or Paul’s? If so, how so?
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