According to Psychology Today, common causes for divorce include "lack of intimacy, lack of commitment, infidelity, and basic incompatibility." It seems like a varied list, but if you look, it has one thing at the core: "I'm not getting what I want." Isn't that interesting? No one seems to ask, "Is my spouse getting what he or she wants?" It seems like, if we could eliminate "I want" from the equation, marriages would never fail. Silly, I know, because "I want" is at the core of everything we do. Even our altruism is fueled by "It makes me feel good." The person that approaches from the perspective of "What can I give you?" is rare and often suspect.
It's telling, then, that all the biblical instructions on marriage are oriented against "I want." "Wives, submit." "Husbands, give up self." "Live with your wife in an understanding way." "The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does" (1 Cor 7:4). "How does that even work? I have my needs, and it's her/his job to meet them." So we see outrageous divorce statistics in a population whose primary leader stated, "Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate" (Matt 19:4-6). And we're unashamed.
It's not just marriage and divorce, of course. Every aspect of the Christian life is predicated on "If anyone would come after Me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me" (Matt 16:24) with the assurance that "whoever does not take his cross and follow Me is not worthy of Me" (Matt 10:38). It seems as if the center of sin is "I" and the aim of the Christian life is "death to 'I'," but we'll keep fighting it because we're all pretty sure God's real primary concern is the same as mine ... ME.
7 comments:
It is truly amazing how life changes, and how perspective changes, when your focus isn't in pleasing yourself, but carrying for others.
I have come to believe that secular marriage and Christian marriage are practically “two different animals,” as it were. The first is shaped and directed by the values of the world--comprised of those who walk in the flesh and live for themselves first. That kind of marriage functions in a completely self-serving manner to support whichever partner asserts the strongest power. If both partners happen to align in their goals--i.e. if each one finds what they desire in the other person or perhaps if one is not a particularly demanding person--the marriage might succeed and even thrive; if they are not complementary this way, then the relationship falls apart. The union of two selfish people is tenuous at best, volatile at worst. (Indeed, when I’ve had the occasion to witness a failed marriage of those close to me, I can almost describe it as “a nasty union of two essentially nasty people.”
The first scenario differs completely from the Christian marriage, where the needs and desires of one’s mate trump one’s own--removing that power struggle that can’t help but divide them. Because each partner in a Christ-centered marriage is (presumably) walking in the Spirit and (hopefully) becoming more loving, giving, sacrificial, and unselfish each passing year, the relationship reflects the fruit of the Spirit, which sweetens and nurtures every type of human interaction. This is why we are told not to be “unequally yoked” (2 Cor. 6:14), for one walking in the Spirit will not easily find harmony with one walking in the flesh; indeed, there will be that “basic incompatibility” you mentioned.
The biblical instructions given to husbands that you mentioned ("Husbands, give up self." "Live with your wife in an understanding way." Etc.) make me think of the popular saying, “Happy wife, happy life.” Although it is a cutesy secular saying (with a few potential interpretations), I see an aspect of biblical truth in it--i.e. the perspective of a loving husband who considers the well-being and contentment of his wife as his primary goal. In other words, “when my wife is happy, then I am happy.” Of course, that sentiment goes both ways, so one could say, alternatively, “Happy spouse, happy house.”
Christian marriage and secular marriage are indeed two different animals. The problem is that too many Christians don't know it. Christian marriage is self-sacrifice and "two become one" and lifelong (and more). Secular marriage is ... well ... essentially undefined anymore (with the advent of "gay marriage" which put the final nail in the coffin of any definition of marriage). And I like that "happy spouse, happy house" notion.
It does change on'e's perspecive. It's also considered weird (at best) and evil (at worst) by the world.
And therefore also the response to problems in a marriage looks different between the two (secular vs. Christian). If the perspective is different for each of them--i.e. “our commitment is to a lifelong union, and God will help us as a couple to achieve that” vs. “our commitment is to personal happiness, and resolving problems is too much effort”--then the course of action when faced with issues is equally as divergent.
Sadly, I am discovering first-hand that just as God has no grandchildren, Christian marriage commitments don’t automatically get passed down to the next generation.
Unfortunately, when most people use the "happy wife, happy life" line, they more often mean "placated wifey, peaceful life".
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