Getting What You Paid For

It's Christmas gift buying time. Are you getting what you paid for?

Anybody remember those Hai Karate commercials from the 70's? Hai Karate, for those of you who don't, was an aftershave. The marketing theme was that when you used their product, you had better know karate because you'll have to fight off the women.

Ridiculous, of course, but it was fun to watch. I mean, no one really believes an aftershave can get you a date ... do they?

It is my suspicion that we, in fact, are shopping all the time for just such miracles. Buy this and get that. Buy our product and we will be selling you something far beyond our product. I mean, you know that's the case with the political marketplace, right? Well it's equally true for the rest of the things you think you're getting.

Take, for instance, a recent Axe shampoo ad. A young man comes around women in his daily life and his dandruff makes them all vanish. But Axe's new anti-dandruff shampoo can fix this. "Lose the flakes; get the girls" the female announcer assures you. "Because girls don't dig flakes", the ad tagline says. So ... what are you buying? Are you buying a product that will eliminate dandruff problems, or are you buying a means of getting women? (And just what are "dandruff problems"? I mean, really.)

Or how about Red Bull? As we all know, it "gives you wings" ... but what does that mean? The cartoon ads indicate that we all get actual wings. One recent ad campaign suggested that Red Bull makes daredevils of us all. But what are they selling really? An energy drink. Do with that what you will. Trust me. Red Bull, despite all its ads and innuendo will not make you able to fly or endow you with courage or a spirit of adventure.

One quite obvious example of selling something you can't buy is all of the weight loss programs and devices. First, it takes very little time and only limited attention to see that disclaimer at the bottom of every claim: "Results not typical." What a washout! "We are about to show you some marvelous or even mediocre results, but you need to know up front that these are not what you will expect, so don't start out thinking that what we're selling you will give you what we're showing you." Beyond that, what are they selling? Are they selling fitness? Are they selling a healthier you? Of course not. There just isn't any market for that. No, they're selling a better you. With this product you can be more attractive to the opposite sex, more confident, more visible, more impressive. Now, none of that is actually available from the makers of, say, the NordicTrack products, but that's what they're selling.

From sex appeal to adventure to confidence and more, these companies are selling you one product while marketing another. Like the classic bikini-clad model next to the sports car, one often has nothing to do with the other. So when Olay tells you its Regenerist product will "work over time to reduce the appearance of wrinkles", that's an honest line. When they tell you it "brings back that youthful appearance", you should be cautious. You see, now they're going places you can't buy. No one has yet made a bottle of youth. But they know that reducing facial wrinkles for the sake of reducing facial wrinkles is a no-win proposition. Giving you back your youth, on the other hand -- now that's a product everyone will want.

Some advertisers are blatant. Axe assures you, "Lose the flakes; get the girls." (Seriously ... girls plural?) Hai Karate warned, "Be careful how you use it." Red Bull is a bit vague with its promise of wings. And Olay's "youthful appearance" is a thinly-veiled promise. Some products are not as overt. Victoria's Secret, for instance, doesn't say much. "There's a sale on" is about it. But the message even without words is undeniable. "Buy our products and look like this." Now, at no time in the history of the planet has some thread and some lace produced a model-quality body (with likely a significant redistribution of body fat, etc.) with finely coiffed hair and expert makeup, let alone the sex appeal and attitude it appears to promise. But that's what they're selling ... without a word. And that's what women are buying (or even men hoping to get it for their wives or girlfriends). I mean, seriously, how many of either gender sees one of Victoria's Secrets commercials and thinks, "Well, now, that looks like a well-designed, comfortable, practical undergarment"? That's just not on the menu.

Gullible, as it turns out, is not in the dictionary. Look it up. But we are, as a race, it seems, just that. We are fodder for the marketeers. We want the impossible -- sex appeal, youth, wings -- and they're selling. It doesn't even matter if the impossible cannot be had. Buy their product and you can get it. And we do. We buy their expensive cars that provide nothing more than a bigger draw on our funds and we buy their exercise gear without getting the youthful, sexy body in the box as promised. We slather on their creams and are a bit disappointed that we don't look 20 ... and 30 pounds lighter ... and shapelier, too. Indeed, so convoluted is this marketing scheme that we don't even know anymore what it is we want. Is the Twiggy look in, or is it something more now? Do we want men with "some gray" or is gray to be eliminated entirely? Surely youth is something we'd all buy as soon as it comes on the market. And who knows what kinds of magic we'll see when we buy that latest technological marvel? Obviously an iPhone5 is far superior to an iPhone4! How could you doubt it? Indeed, how can you live with yourself without it? Sigh. So droll. Full to the gills of gullible.

So let me just say, be careful what you buy. You are being sold a bill of goods. And it is very likely that some of what you think you're getting isn't even on the market. Just because they offer it or hint that they do does not mean that it's available or even good. I'm just sayin'.