Porn

One mistake that we all make is the assumption of homogeneity. Okay, so maybe most of us wouldn't use that term. We assume that we're all alike. Where I fail, I would assume you fail. Where I have no problem, I would assume neither do you. It's easy to assume that lots of other people think like I do and, when I find that they don't, I'm baffled. "What ... how could you not see that?" In subtle and unconscious ways, we assume, even though we deny it, that we're all alike.

Take, for instance, the area of pornography. There are assumptions and stereotypes at work there that will cause problems because we assume we're all alike. So, what do we assume? We assume that it's a "guy thing". We assume that guys who watch porn do so out of lust for the women they watch. So we have guys lusting after strange women and when we approach a remedy for this problem we approach those factors. So ... what if those are not the factors?

As it turns out, increasing numbers of women are becoming addicted to porn. "At Quit Porn Addiction, the UK's main porn counselling [sic] service, almost one in three clients are women struggling with their own porn use." Who would have thought? That changes the face of the problem and, thus, the solutions. And one assumption -- "it's a 'guy thing'" -- takes a hit.

Additionally, not all men who are addicted to porn (I'm using the term "addicted" not as a clinical term, but as a concept, the idea of people who struggle with the urges to involve themselves with it and cannot seem to get them under control) are lusting after the women they see. The most common response of a wife who finds her husband is battling the problem seems to be "What's wrong with me? Aren't I enough?" That may not be the valid question at all. So the fight moves away from the real problem and focuses on trying to get him to be satisfied with his wife when it's not a problem of sexual satisfaction at all. According to the Guardian article, involvement in porn "releases a dopamine-oxytocin high that has been compared to a heroin hit, and many regular users of internet porn report experiencing an almost trance-like effect that not only makes them feel oblivious to the world, but also gives them a sense of power that they don't have in real life." You see, sexual satisfaction is not the question. And another faulty stereotype will lead you down another wrong road.

Pornography is problem. For many it is a serious problem. The problem is compounded by faulty stereotypes which lead to faulty conclusions about those who are involved and faulty solutions about how to fix the problem. We have long been told that rape is a crime of power, not passion. It is my deep suspicion that it is a similar problem for many struggling with sexual addictions. And these problems are further compounded by the stigma they bear. A guy fighting urges toward pornography is anathema. A girl fighting those problems is unheard of. So where do either of these go for help?

Ladies, one thing I'd like to share with you that you might not know. Not all men are lusting after women when they fight this problem. It may not at all be about you. It may be a problem with them. Support, then, is needed, not condemnation. And to you guys who are fighting this, there's something I'd like to share with you. (This also pertains to those women who are in the same situation.) Today is Maundy Thursday, the day we commemorate Christ's trials. Tomorrow is Good Friday, the day we remember Christ's crucifixion. Christ died for your sins, including the things you struggle with most. If it is a struggle (as opposed to an indulgence, something you are a bit concerned about but not overly), then know that Christ's death was for you and for this problem (1 John 2:1-2). Repeated failures, though a big problem, are not the end of the story.

We humans have problems recognizing "harm". We have problems recognizing the problems. We have problems determining what the problem is and how to solve it. However, solutions to problems like pornography for those who are fighting those urges do exist and should be pursued. The first solution, of course, is the power and work of Christ in the believer. Beyond that, practical suggestions are out there. John Piper has a nice piece on fighting the problem that he calls ANTHEM. Good, generic approach, not too fraught with the problems of false stereotypes. Tim Challies has written a fine little book called Sexual Detox on the topic. It provides some excellent insights. You can buy it (eBook, audio, etc.) or just read it in parts (it came from posts on his blog) with all the necessary links here. I dream, of course, of an additional approach. It's my own, prompted by something silly that I once read (I just read it the other day again, which prompted this post) which said, "Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ" (Gal 6:1-2). Yeah, I know, silly, isn't it? Suggesting biblical solutions to life's modern problems? But that's me, just wacky.