There is a problem with the medium we call "blogging" that is hard to keep in mind. It's very easy, here at my keyboard with no one to answer back and no one to raise an issue, to simply spout. I can tell you whatever I want. Now, presumably, I want to tell you the truth. That, in fact, is my goal. (I admit, I may be wrong at times, but I don't intentionally try to deceive.) But the truth sometimes needs something additional. Sometimes it needs compassion. Oh, I'm not talking about mitigating the truth. That's not it at all. But when you express somethings in certain ways, it is sometimes easy to run roughshod over another person's feelings. You could have expressed it with concern, sympathy, or empathy, but it's so hard to keep all that in mind when you're sitting here, all alone, at the keyboard and simply thinking with your fingers on the keys.
What am I talking about? It's one thing to stand firm on the biblical passages that say "Do not divorce". It's another thing entirely to listen to the heart-rending stories of women and men who are abused, tormented, or destroyed by their spouse and then spout, "No divorce!" It's one thing to counsel someone else "not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler -- not even to eat with such a one" (1 Cor 5:11), but what do you say when it's your uncle or son or spouse? It's one thing to confidently assert that "God causes all things to work together for good to those who love Him, to those who are called according to His purpose" (Rom 8:28), but exactly how do you express that to the mother who just lost her husband and 2-year-old in a tragic car accident? Mind you, all of these truths are true, and they are not less true because of circumstances. Truth is not dependent on circumstances. Still, it's one thing to hold them as true, and expressing them in ways that fit the need of the moment is something else.
I wish there was a mechanism in this venue that would allow for this aspect. It's problematic, of course. Some people need a "slap in the face" kind of approach. "You're sinning and you need to see it!" Others need a "come alongside with a hug" approach. "I know you're hurting/angry/something, but have you considered ...?" There is no filter, no software method available to sense "who is reading and what are you going through and here's how best to express to you in particular what I'm trying to express at this moment". So I'm stuck with this medium. Please, then, if you feel like you got a slap in the face when you needed a hug, understand that I'm writing more about truth than people. We can talk in terms of individuals on an individual basis, right?
15 comments:
Excellent, thoughtful post.
Not withstanding your post, sometimes I think that that we are held hostage by the individual. We don't talk about many of the sins that plague our nation, especially divorce, because of the individuals, all with their stories, who may be hurt or offended. I think this is a grave mistake in many cases where there is a collective audience.
Repentance, if I'm not mistaken, involves first an admission of guilt. Once that has been established, and repentance has occurred, why would the repentant not join with the admonition for others to not go down that same road? Of course on an individual basis things change and discernment and discretion are necessary. But I wouldn’t call blogging, in most cases, a personal interaction. So keep up the good work.
Dan: "Sometimes I think that that we are held hostage by the individual."
Thou sayest truly. (Just trying to sound biblical.) Too often we tiptoe around people who badly need awakening. We don't want to sound judgmental when that is exactly what some need. (And that accounts for a lot of the decay in today's churches.)
(Did "Part 1" come through, Stan? Please don't even post this if you find it inappropriate. Thanks.)
In the meantime, these friends pray that someday things will somehow miraculously change. Some have been living this way for decades, wondering if this is how God really wants them to live. They are aware that they are, all the while, getting older, seemingly "wasting" away their most youthful years in unhappy marriages, while perhaps they could have found or be looking for someone who actually cherishes them and treats them like they so desire. And of course there are husbands whose wives aren't interested in them at all anymore, too, but I only hear from the wives.
One friend told me, because she can't find happiness in her loveless marriage, she just tries to focus on finding it in other things ~ God, her children, her jobs, other people, gardening. She tries hard to stay focused on those good things so that she can endure the hurt of a bad marriage. She said it's like perpetually trying to ignore a large, trumpeting elephant in the living room of their home however. Because he clearly has seemed not to care much about her for 25 of their 27 year marriage, she finally has lost most all of her feelings for her husband and become sort of numb, probably out of self-preservation. It has hurt too much for too long watching him ogle other women and desert her with their kids while he pursues various sports activities 3 nights a week and most every weekend. She has tried everything she knows to get him to love her again but to no avail.
She believes divorce is wrong but also wonders about how right it is to (out in public most all of the time) live the lie that everything is fine in her marriage when it is not at all fine! She doesn't want to bring people down so she pretends all's well and is nearly always a fun and encouraging person to be around.
When she occasionally "unloads" on me, I always, always try to encourage her, but I feel so bad for her. It seems she deserves happiness in marriage. She tries so hard. And she's attractive and sweet. It's not like she is an obese, nagging-type woman.
Encouraging someone to keep on praying, keep on exercising patience, hold fast to the Lord and to what you know to be His precious truths, believe God for a victory, and hang in there when they've already been "hanging in there" for a quarter of a century can almost sound rather lame. (They seem already to be quite good at it! And I almost wonder sometimes if I could do such things myself.)
I might tell them that their trials are making them stronger in the Lord, to keep on leaning on Him and His promises, and that maybe they can now help others in similar circumstances with the understanding they could only have having gone through it themselves.
There ARE "happy ending" stories of spouses who finally have "turned around" after decades of prayer however! And those couples finished off their lives together, finally in right and loving relationships. And the praying spouse can then know their waiting on the Lord "paid off"/was rewarded and they are GLAD they persevered through the trials. It's just so hard to watch people endure what some do.
I'm a bit surprised the comments of Anonymous didn't generate some conversation. I would consider this a very "hot topic". I guess nobody wants to dare be thought to be speaking out against what you so aptly explain seems to be God's word on the topic of divorce?
I hope you will write more on this, Stan.
Sherry, Part 1 didn't make it. Try again? (But I didn't deem the rest as "inappropriate".)
Sherry: "It seems she deserves happiness in marriage."
I wonder where we got this notion? It is the common notion, of course, but where did it come from? I don't see any such promise from God. I don't see anything saying "God wants you to be happy." Blessed, yes. Joy, yes. But happy? I do see many repeated promises of suffering. No, no, we don't want to look there. So (and, Sherry, I'm not directing this at you at all -- it's a general thing), I don't know where we get the idea that human beings in general and Christians in particular have some sort of divine right to happiness. The conclusion of that view, however, says that I can do what I feel I need to so I can obtain it, even if that means divorcing the bum.
Well, I guess I lost part of "Part 1". Less words for you! Hallelujah. :o)
I'm still trying to get the knack of this blogging business. Sorry. (Suddenly I'm feeling elderly and inept.)
I wrote this about a week ago, in response to "Anonymous" and your comment to her, Stan. But I didn't post it because it seemed negative and too long. Still does! But...... here comes the rest of it (out of order however) because it's on topic again now, I think.
Oh, but first... Dan and Stan, you write about repentance, admission of guilt, and people who badly need awakening. These things generally ARE needed actions, but how do they apply to the women's situations below? Am I being held hostage by individuals somehow? These individuals are my friends, real people with real problems. I realize THIS may not be the place to discuss specific situations and I guess that is what Dan was saying. Stay with a more general stating the of truth and let readers sort it out and apply it to their particular situations.
Okay, this, finally, was in regard to what Anonymous wrote, and what you said about rubber:
And "the rubber does meet the road" all the time!
There are a lot of people who are married and miserable, for one reason or another. Some of them wonder, 'How long does God want or expect me to remain this way? Until I die?' They are quite sure they would not have gotten married had they known it was going to turn out this way. Certainly they expected some tough times laid ahead for them and their spouses, but nothing THIS bad that has gone on for THIS long. They thought their problems would be faced together, with their spouses, not be because of their spouses.
Some of the women I know figure if only they were better wives and/or prettier wives their husbands would still love them like they anticipated they would when they married.
I know that what I'm writing is unpleasant reading, but... marriages ARE breaking up right and left all around us. I think our culture breeds dissatisfaction, for one thing. Nothing is ever good enough for many. "Variety is the spice of life." "Demand better" and "Expect more" are slogans for big, well-known companies. "Just do it!", another's. A commercial currently being shown for some cosmetic has a pretty model stating, "Wait for nothing!" Our expectations are unreasonably high in some ways and we get too easily bored sometimes. What used to be sensational has become humdrum for some.
We all have marriage "horror stories" we could probably share, but, just within my little sphere in life, I have several friends who have been staying married primarily because they do not want their children to have to endure the heartbreak of a divorce and because of the vows they made long ago. They aren't in good, happy unions and don't feel loved by their husbands, but they hang in there year after year, sacrificing dreams and potential opportunities for what seems might be an "abundant life" (compared to what they have) in order to keep their homes intact.
One Christian friend is putting up with a husband who was hiring prostitutes whenever she'd go out of town to care for her dying parent. For most of her marriage she has expected infidelity but now she has proof. To keep the peace for herself and their children and a roof over their heads, she keeps on smiling on the outside and doing what she's supposed to do around their home.
To keep the peace for herself and their children and a roof over their heads, she keeps on smiling on the outside and doing what she's supposed to do around their home.
How tragic. Sometimes, I reckon the best you can do is be a friend and a support.
Jesus, when he allowed for divorce, was in a culture where divorce was generally a way for a man to "dump" a woman who would then either be dependent upon her family to rescue her or she would be on the streets. I suspect that sort of economic injustice is the reason Jesus was so adamantly opposed to divorce - as a protection to the children and/or woman involved.
Sounds like to me in cases like this, the husband has already left the wife in all but name. I am not entirely sure that we can apply 1st century reasoning to 21st century situations exactly.
I think the best we can do is be a support and give some grace to people as they sort out what's best for them and their children. Whatever happens, it is bound to be difficult for all involved.
Sherry: "These things generally ARE needed actions, but how do they apply to the women's situations below?"
I don't know that they do. But here's what you're telling me (about them). "... if only they were better wives and/or prettier wives their husbands would still love them like they anticipated they would when they married." In essence, then, these wives (or the parallel husbands) are miserable because they anticipated that they would get love from their husbands (or wives). What I want to know is "Who told you (the unhappy wife or husband) that you were owed love from your spouse?" It appears to be thought of as some divine right. They have it coming, right?
My dear mother was married to a man who didn't feel much of anything at all. He wasn't mean; he was just ... indifferent. There was no "marital bliss" for her. So there she was, trying to raise three of us at the same time, with a husband that didn't love her. What did she do? She has since told me that this was the best thing God could have done for her because during that time she learned to lean on God for the love she had originally expected from her husband. You see, that's a "no lose" proposition. She was loved fully by Christ. What more could she ask? And then (this isn't added as a promise, but just to finish the story), God did amazing work in her husband (my dad) and he became a marvelous guy. Oh, my! Now she's relying on God for all the love she needs and is being loved by her husband as well!! What could be better?
Now, the truth his not all husbands (wives) turn. There is no promise. And the other truth is that living "the lie that everything is fine in her marriage when it is not at all fine" is not the right option, either. Christians should have support. Believers should have accountability structures. We lie to each other far too often, and that clearly doesn't help. The wife with the husband hiring prostitutes ... would she ever consider calling the police on the guy? No, not likely. Why not? So they suffer in silence when too often they don't need to.
But the bottom line is (and this is for any of us) our genuine satisfaction in life must not be sought in those around us, but in Christ. C.S. Lewis wrote, "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." Paul wrote if a thorn in the flesh that God refused to remove so that he would know "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Are we not willing to go there? Are we, instead, going to demand "happiness" or else? See the problem?
I have wondered about our current day expectations of happiness in marriage and life in general, too. This goes back to the conversations about rights, doesn't it?
Regarding marriage, when I think of all the many, many arranged marriages there have been and even supposedly continue to be and how sometimes there are very pretty, young girls wed to wrinkly, old men who look and probably act much like their fathers or grandfathers (sorry, but this creates a bit of an "ick factor" for some of us), I wonder if these girls even expected such a thing as feelings of romantic love or a "happy marriage"? Maybe not! And so, their expectations have not been dashed. Good!
I would imagine that they might be like my friend, in that they try to find their happiness in OTHER things, their relationships with their god, their children, and keeping their homes well, and not necessarily primarily via their relationships with their husbands. (I'm not saying this is optimum.) As long as she respects him and he treats her well, they might reside in the same abode with peace and maybe even a few joyous times along the way.
If sometime in their young lives (as wives of old guys their parents picked out for them) they happen to notice the handsome young man next door or who works in a shop they frequent and become a bit "swoony" over his good looks and charm, too bad. That's the way the ball bounces! Those love stories only happen in the movies!
I guess I have a hard time believing that human beings would really be all that different from each other. Don't all people, at least at some point in their lives, desire romance and to experience "true love" (which brings to mind lines from The Princess Bride)?
From The Song of Solomon we expect marriage to contain desire, and be fulfilling and satisfying. We don't suppose it's to be just a thing of convenience and for child bearing. The theme of that book is summarized (by some commentator) as "The Quest for Authentic Love" in the NKJV version. People have grown to expect authentic love to bring them that thing called "happiness", don't you think? And then, for many, I think if that happiness level is not sustained, it must not have been authentic.
In our culture we'd be apt to feel very cheated if we had to marry someone with whom we weren't head over heels in love! That's our expectation. Without pre-marital counseling, many have foolishly expected almost a "Happily ever after" scenario.
As a woman in arranged marriage cultures, I guess you must just have expectations of yourself and any children you might bear being cared for financially, and hopes of your husband being kind and protective of you. How would I really know? Just assuming.
All that and I don't think I really even addressed what you asked.
Sherry: "I think of all the many, many arranged marriages ..."
Very astute observation. Did you ever see Fiddler on the Roof? I remember the point at which Tevye, the husband, asks his wife, Golde, "Do you love me?" You see, neither of them (in that culture) gave it any thought. He treated her nicely and she treated him nicely and they got by. What's love got to do with it? Of course, enter our new and improved modern world and "love" is the only thing. (I've actually heard of some marriage vows that say, "...'til love do us part", suggesting that they can stop being married when they don't feel warmly toward each other anymore.) The biblical version of love is a command. That doesn't mean that there is no feeling in love, but it does mean that you can choose to do it. So this isn't the same "love" that most wives think about when they think "marriage". It's a warm affection brought about by choosing to think of the loved one as more important than myself. (We tend to feel warmly toward the things we value most.) But we modern folk have created unrealistic expectations of warm affection for life with the one we marry. It is about "rights", but it's also about ... nonsense.
I guess I get my own idea that we should be able to expect that thing called "happiness" from the scriptures that speak of joy, blessings, and an abundant life. They may not specifically use the word "happy" in some form, but could you be unhappy and feel your life was "abundant" at the same time? (No, I have NOT looked up "abundant". It may mean abundance of days, like quantity over quality or something. If it means a life full of a lot of good things/blessings, then it seems happiness would be right up there! I'm rushing through this because I have a line of kids forming behind me, waiting for this computer.)
Now I'm wondering how different joy is from happiness.
Aside from The Bible itself, what comes to mind is.... just like a lot of us believers, I was given and have possessed for years one of those nifty little "Bible Pocket Promise Books" that contain hundreds of wonderful promises we are told to claim as ours in Christ and quite a few of them a lot of us would probably consider to fall under the category of happiness, or at least contentment. Or so I think.
I would not consider the unhappily married women of whom I spoke to be content, joyous, or what most of us would consider "blessed" in their marriages, though I guess some would say they need to be strong, try to find contentment within their circumstances, and then BE just that ~~ content! Like Paul learned to do in his circumstances!
I don't know that they could say their lives could currently ever be described as "abundant", when the very men with whom they are supposed to be "one" have become so withdrawn, cold, unloving, and separated from them.
I know there are some people who can have lousy marriages and still manage to (at least SEEM to) do well in life, that it's not an ever present elephant in their rooms. THE LORD is ever present and foremost on their minds. They have not lost hope and are so sound in their relationships with God, they cope well with little "extracurricular" things like unloving husbands. And that's a good thing for them. I'm just not always sure what to say to the rest ~ the miserably unhappy ones. You know, I think maybe you just expect too much? Just be happy you have a roof over your head and all those under it are in good health in these hard times? Wait for Heaven, Dear; it'll be better.
Numerous interruptions. Have not yet had time to even well read what else has "come in", but I see comments and am anxious to read them. (I need blog posting lessons. Can't seem to italicize, underline, and such. Brother. A bit stifling it is! :o)
Have a good day.
I know that (thanks oh so much to our current culture) we have a skewed idea of what we should expect. Unfortunately, so much of it is in terms of emotions. While we are God-designed, emotional beings, using those emotions as either our goal or our driving force is really problematic. You see, emotions are the direct product of how we think about things. For instance, if I view something as good, I'll be "happy" about it. If I view it as bad, I'll be "unhappy" about it. The "thing" in question is not at issue. If I were to play the lottery (never would, but just an illustration) and win a million bucks, I could think it's a good thing and be happy about it or I could think, "Man! I wish I'd won $20 million" and be unhappy.
Instead of emotions, what we are aimed at in Scripture are choices. Happiness is a fleeting feeling; joy is an attitude of contentment. Abundant life is a fullness of life that those without Christ don't have because it includes things like grace, forgiveness, a relationship with God, justification ... oh, the list is long ... not to forget "eternal". Now that is "abundant life" ... and it isn't dependent on how I feel. We're aiming at ... get this ... something really, really radical -- the crucified life. "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me" (Gal 2:20). We should want to be like Paul who counted "everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ" (Phil 3:8). What we really want is to learn contentment in every circumstance.
You see, these aren't emotions. They have emotional components, but they are fed by a right mind toward Christ and, to be honest, something of an attitude of death toward the world. And I'll tell you what I've found from personal experience. When I cling desperately to things around me to make me happy, God seems to have a standard practice of wrenching them away. It's not pleasant, but it is surely beneficial.
Now ... getting that across to someone in difficult circumstances like you describe isn't easy. How do you teach them the mind that Joseph had whose brothers intended to kill him and sold him into slavery? He believed that God meant it for good. That's how I need to think when things are difficult. How do we pass that on to others?
Stan, Thank you so much for sharing the story about your mom and dad. It definitely bears repeating as an encouragment to anyone married to someone who is in some way disappointing them greatly. It's a story with a great ending to be sure!
I really doubt my friend would ever turn her husband into the police for hiring prostitutes. She knows it would be devastating to their children to know this about their father! It would also be devastating to her husband's parents, siblings, nieces, nephews. It might cause him to lose his business, therefore their financial state would take a huge dive, affecting not just their family but his employees' families.
Unless he continues to hurt her even more and she finally someday reaches a breaking point, I'm sure she will mostly suffer silently in order to keep the peace.
I imagine there are a lot of women (I'm thinking of politicians' wives in particular right now) who know what their husbands have been doing but keep it to themselves to spare the harm that would come to their children and the empires their husbands have constructed. It is likley so often easier for them to keep their husbands' dirty little secrets to themselves and suffer silently internally, than to see the destruction to others that getting the truth "out there" publicly about these men would wreak.
If you were to meet any of the women of whom I speak, you likely would have no idea what is going on in their lives. They can't reasonably pour out their problems to everyone they meet, so they mostly keep smiles on their faces and try not to bring others down. On the outside, their pain is not apparent. On the outside, their husbands each seem like such friendly, likeable men, too!
Concerning such hurting people, who undoubtedly are all around us... an old pastor long ago told us (his congregation) to treat everyone as though they are going through a crisis, because many of them are.
By discussing a couple such specific things, at least just this once, hopefully some words of encouragement and precious truths were shared with someone in a somewhat round-about way. It all comes down to a simple matter of trust, doesn't it? Do we REALLY trust God? Do we trust that God has plans for our good in mind? Or not?
We may not see ANYTHING good about what is going on with us currently! But can we somehow believe ~ truly believe! ~ that somewhere down the road we WILL see how this fit or was worked into His plans for us? Can we trust that He really DOES love us?
Again, thank you.
I pray that what has been said would be of help to those in tough situations. I also suspect that the best way to communicate some of this to those in tough situations is to be there ... like you are. An impersonal "here's what it says" is okay, but an arm-around-the-shoulder, caring brother or sister in Christ likely goes a lot further in getting this across.
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