Speak the Truth

Most people don't know this about me -- perhaps no one does -- but it's the truth. I spend a great deal of my thinking time trying to talk myself out of my feeling that I'm a waste of human skin. Oh, it ebbs and flows. There are tides in this feeling. Sometimes I feel like I'm not really all that bad. But most of the time I'm pretty sure that I'm a zero at best. Mind you, these feelings have no root in reality. I'm not stupid, ugly, poor, unhealthy, unkind, unemployed, or any of the myriad of other things that might suggest in today's society that someone is worthless. On the other hand, I do have reasons to tell myself I'm nothing, even if they're not valid (reasonable) reasons. And it's certainly easier to hear the negatives tossed my way than any positives someone might offer. But even though my feelings are lying to me about reality, I still struggle with it continually. It's just something over which I've fought with myself for as long as I can recall.

It's a funny thing about this inferiority complex of mine. Behind it there is a sense of superiority. Oh, it is carefully masked, hiding in the shadows, making sure it never shows its face fully. Still, there is the unspoken idea of "Thank you Lord that I'm not like those arrogant jerks who think more highly of themselves than they ought to." And the moment I catch a glimpse of that masked man, I begin to think that my inferiority complex ... is a lie.

There may be questions about my inferiority, superiority, or lack thereof. Let's start with what I can know.

I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in Your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. How precious to me are Your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! (Psa 139:14-17)

Now, comparing what is clear there with what my opinion of me is, we find a conflict. I say, "I'm no good at anything" and this says "I am fearfully and wonderfully made." That is, I say, in essence, "No, I'm not!" I say, "I'm not doing any good" and this says, "In Your book were written every one of [my days] when there were yet none." That is, I say, in essence, "Your plan for me, God, is a thorough failure." And on what do I base my conclusions? I'm not at the same speed (appearance, skill, income, intelligence, whatever you want to consider) as other people that God designed. Now, if that's not sheer, unadulterated arrogance, I don't know what is.

I will continue to struggle in this arena. It's an emotional issue, something about which I need to keep telling myself the truth. In other words, I'm fighting the same thing every one of you is fighting -- a deceitful heart. But the slap in the face that I get when I realize that my "humility" of feeling inferior is actually an arrogant assault on the character of God is a real help ... on occasion. You know how it is. Too many slaps or too hard, and it just gets too painful to think about anymore. So instead my goal will be "to think with sober judgment" (Rom 12:3).