The Bible on Sex III

This will be the third (and hopefully last) in the series. In the first article I offered what I considered the "obvious" even if the world today doesn't see it that way. First, sex outside of marriage is forbidden by God. Not for a trial period. Not to verify compatibility. Not if we "really, really love each other". Marriage. Second, God is in favor of sex within marriage. That ought to be good news (given the Victorian Era misconceptions offered as "Christian"). In the second installment, I asked (and, let's face it, didn't fully answer) the question, "So, what can we do in the marriage bed?" What we do know is that each of us must "know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God" (1 Thess 4:4-5). Apparently, then, there are "passions of lust" that are not counted as "holiness and honor". Don't be like that. And I recommended heartily that the Bible favors pleasure in sex. Oh, yeah, that was the sticking point, wasn't it? I got some argument on that point.

I would, then, like to address that point. Here's what I'd like to tell you. Forget about pleasure. Forget about passion. Forget about how much we can get away with in being "like the Gentiles who do not know God". Here's why. Although I can point to passages that indicate that God is in favor of pleasurable sex between married couples, that is never the focus of Scripture. Your pleasure -- or even your spouse's pleasure -- is not the point. It is, in fact, this particular issue, I think, that has caused so many problems. We've missed the point.

What is the point of sex according to the Bible? Of course there is procreation, and I would hold that procreation precedes recreation in importance in the marriage bed. But we know that procreation is a primary point. So what else? Well, we can get that from Paul or we can get that from God -- who do you prefer? (Sorry ... trick question.) In Genesis we learn:

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh (Gen 2:24).

Note, first, this is not Adam talking (as in the previous verse). It is the God-breathed author. Second, notice that it is a "therefore". Because Eve was "bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh" (Gen 2:23), because "the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man" (Gen 2:22), therefore the union of man and woman was proclaimed. As such, it would be the only God-ordained union. Woman was made for Man. That was the "therefore". "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him" (Gen 2:18) was the reason and marriage was the accomplishment.

But this is mostly an aside to my main point. Remember the question: What is the point of sex according to the Bible? The author tells us here, "they shall become one flesh." I can hear it now. "Oh, now, how do you know that means sex? I mean, husband and wife become 'one' in a variety of ways. How do you know it doesn't mean 'in heart' or 'in effort' or 'in spirit'?" Fair question. So while we have God saying, "they shall become one flesh", we also have Paul's God-breathed interpretation.

Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? Never! Or do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, "The two will become one flesh." But he who is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with Him (1 Cor 6:15-17).

Here Paul warns against sex outside of marriage. Technically, he warns against sex with a prostitute. (He rounds it up a little later with the more generic, "Flee sexual immorality" (1 Cor 6:18).) What is his warning? The sexual act joins people. There is, according to Paul, something far more than mere physical going on in the act of sex. There is something much more, something deeper. There is a very real union, even if it is not merely physical. The act of becoming "one body" produces a joining. Paul proof-texts his statement, then, with the Genesis reference. Thus, according to Paul, when Genesis said, "The two shall become one flesh", it was referring to the sex act that involves a deeper union than we are immediately aware of. There is, according to Paul, one other consideration. Like so many other things that God has ordained, the marriage bed constitutes an earthly image of a higher, spiritual truth: "He who is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with Him." Messing with that image is not a good idea. (Ask Moses who ruined the picture of the Rock providing Living Water upon request after first having been struck once. It cost him his visit to the Promised Land.)

Okay, maybe I've been too obtuse. Let's finish this up. God has ordained that sex is for marriage only. God favors marital sex. God designed sex to be pleasurable, but you are not designed to be seeking your own pleasure, but the pleasure of your spouse. Most importantly, the primary purpose of sex in marriage is 1) procreation and 2) union. As such, it reflects reality -- "the two shall become one flesh" -- as well as what Paul calls a "mystery" in the union of Christ and the Church (Eph 5:31-32). It is my suspicion that many of us think of sex in all the wrong ways. Outside of marriage it's "dirty" or certainly "evil". Inside of marriage it's for pleasure. If we're really godly, it's for the pleasure of our spouses, not ourselves. But at the end of the day, it is about pleasure and, as such, not a very spiritual endeavor. The Bible begs to differ. If we understand sex in the terms that the Bible portrays it, sex becomes an act of worship, a celebration of the union of Christ to the Church. It is illustrated in this human mystery of the spiritual union of two people in a physical act. It is, if it is true that we are supposed to do everything to the glory of God (1 Cor 10:31), a shared activity between husband and wife that glorifies God along with pleasure and mystery. If you think in terms of "What can we do in the marriage bed?" with the realization that it is an act of worship, that ought to change your thinking. And, you know, I bet if you think about it you'll find that a lot of what God asks of us glorifies Him along with providing us with both pleasure and mystery.

The Bible on Sex II

I've already written recently about the Bible on sex. In view of the Driscoll's new book as well as Pastor Ed Young's stunt to live stream from a bed on top of the church (Young is a pastor who urged his listeners to have sex 7 days in a row to revolutionize their marriages), I think maybe I should say more.

There are voices all around that would like to assure us that the marriage bed is a safe place to do any sort of sexual activity at all. "Marriage," they assure us, "sanctifies all of it." We know that those dirty, rotten Victorian types are way too high strung and that, as long as it is done in the marriage bed, it's okay. Well, of course there are caveats. Sexual activity can only be between husband and wife, not to include others. And of course there is an element in Christian circles that misses entirely that pornography, by its very nature, is designed to include others, even if they're only on the screen. (I've heard many argue that porn between married people is perfectly okay because the marriage bed sanctifies it. Wrong.)

But, okay, so we'll agree that biblical marital sex excludes other parties, and we'll even stipulate that porn is out. Fine. Got it. We're good with that. But surely we would all agree that anything else goes, right? Well, it appears that Paul might disagree.

This is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you (1 Thess 4:3-6).

What am I getting out of this that would disagree? Since it is to "each of you" and since "each of you" would necessarily include married people, it would appear that there is the need to "abstain from sexual immorality" in marriage as well as out of marriage. Or, to put it another way, married men and unmarried men are required to "know how to control his own body in holiness and honor." "So?" you might ask. Well, look at the standard that we are to avoid: "Not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God." I would suggest, then, that there is something in the sex lives of married unbelievers called "the passion of lust" that we need to avoid as married believers. In other words, I do not believe it is so much the activities in the bedroom that are in question here as much as the motivations and attitudes that surround them. Here's what else I would suggest. It appears that the standard ("like the Gentiles") is only found by looking at unbelievers. What are they doing wrong?

First, I would like to point out that some would suggest that the passage in question refers to idolatrous sexual practices. There is no doubt that the pagan world of Paul's day had immoral religious rites. But Paul says here that "it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret" (Eph 5:12). That can't refer to pagan prostitution practices because those were done in the open. This is the stuff they do behind closed doors. You know, like in the marriage bed.

Second, I'd like to point out that ... well, I just pointed it out. By examining what they are doing wrong, I do not mean discussing what they do because "it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret" (Eph 5:12). That is, individual acts are not the question here. The point is not how they're having sex. We're not supposed to be talking about that.

So where else do we look? Well, John says something interesting here. "For all that is in the world -- the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life -- is not from the Father but is from the world" (1 John 2:16). Most translations use the word "lust" here, but this one doesn't confuse you with that. It is (rightly) epithumia -- "desires". It is a burning desire. Jesus had a burning desire (epithumia) to eat the Passover with His disciples before He died (Luke 22:15). This "desire" is not sin in itself. So what is John saying? Well in the world there are desires to indulge in fleshly pleasure, to satisfy the animal nature. There are desires to have what you might see, to covet. (I'm sure you can see that pornography would fall in that category.) And there is the ongoing problem of personal pride, of seeking honor and applause. Or, here, we have a very convenient example from Genesis:

So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise ... (Gen 3:6).

That would be the lust of the flesh ("good for food"), the lust of the eyes ("a delight to the eyes"), and the pride of life ("desired to make one wise"). So, port this over to the discussion about abstaining from sexual immorality and controlling your body, "not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles". This would move sexual relations between a husband and a wife away from the satiation of physical desires, away from the coveting of what they see, and away from personal pride, which, according to John, "is not from the Father but is from the world."

I would venture to guess that from the world's perspective most of sex falls dead in the center of these three things. I would suggest, in fact, that a lot of what goes on in the bedroom has more to do with these and less to do with the sharing of love, the pleasing of the spouse, or the intimacy of such a union. How much do you suppose is wrapped up in personal power, for instance? They tell us that rape is not about desire, but about power. How much of what goes on in the bedroom is just that? Well, it's a shame to talk about what they do in secret, but I'm pretty sure that a lot of what passes for "lovemaking" is more about personal satisfaction, covetousness, and personal pride than most anything else you might name.

Well, I'm not going to offer specifics here. I'm not going to give you a "how to" manual or a "twelve-step" program. You get to look at it yourself. Peel back the self-satisfying characteristics. Remember that your body is not your own. Tear off the personal pride. Remember both the respect due from the wife and the understanding due from the husband. Now what would such a sex life look like? I'm not prepared to explain, but I think you can begin to see it's not what the world would offer. Neither do I think it's "anything goes" in the marriage bed. "Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled" (Heb 13:4).

The Bible on Sex

Mark Driscoll and his wife, Grace, have just published a book entitled Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together. Their goal was to help people with the seemingly endless questions Christians have about sex, friendship, and life together. One chapter is devoted to "Can we ___?", the burning question in many Christian bedrooms where believers are torn between the porn they've seen (or whatever other sources they may have for a host of bizarre sex acts) and the sense they have that the Bible is really opposed to sex. Now, not having read the book, I will make no attempt to review it. (Makes sense, I think.) But being a husband and a father and a brother in Christ and a Christian who is deeply interested in all things biblical, I thought it might be interesting to look very briefly at what the Bible does say about sex. You might be surprised.

First, let's start with the easy stuff ... the stuff that won't surprise you. Despite various sources who are trying to tell us that the Bible isn't clear on the topic, I think most can agree that there are some pretty clear guidelines in the Scriptures. Who, for instance, doesn't know the popular biblical term, "fornication"? And it doesn't even take a Christian to guess what God's view of fornication is. It's bad. Or how about adultery? Yeah, bad. Bestiality? Bad. There are some things that the Bible is not silent on in the realm of sexual relations and there is no ambiguity. Simply put, sexual relations of any kind outside of the sanction of marriage is biblically forbidden. That would include unmarried-unmarried, married-unmarried, human-animal, and, of course, same-sex. These things are explicitly stated as overt sin in the Scriptures. No surprise, right?

"Fine," you say, "but we are married. So, what does the Bible have to say about sex in marriage?"

First, despite false ideas about the Puritans and the ridiculous notions perpetrated by the likes of the Victorian Era, God is in favor of sex in marriage. I wonder how many people find that surprising. There are things in Scripture that God tolerates, like divorce or some forms of slavery. Sex is not in this list of "God tolerates". No, if you read through the Song of Solomon, for instance, you will see that it is not merely tolerated, but indulged exuberantly. It's a good thing. Beyond being a delightful gift that, from all appearances, was only given to God's human creations, it is biblically mandated. Did you get that? The Bible requires it of married people. I would guess that this one might be a bigger shock, so I might need to give you the text to show it.

¹ Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman. ² But because of immoralities, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. ³ Let the husband fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. ⁴ The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. ⁵ Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again lest Satan tempt you because of your lack of self-control (1 Cor 7:1-5).

It doesn't take a scholar to see that 1) sex outside of marriage is a sin (v 1), that God endorses marriage partly because of the joy of sex (v 2), and that sexual relations between married couples is the duty of husbands and wives (v 3) (since the topic was avoiding immoralities and physical contact between males and females). Plain as day. "Stop depriving one another."

The question, then, becomes, "So ... what can we do?" Some will even cite 1 Corinthians 6:12 -- "All things are lawful for me, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be mastered by anything." "See?" they will finish, "We can do anything we want in the bedroom, right?" (where "in the bedroom" is used as a euphemism to mean "when we engage in sexual relations ... wherever that might be"). Is that true? Can we do anything? I'd be careful about that.

First, there is the obvious. The biblical requirement for moral sexual relations is that it be between a husband and a wife. Therefore, it cannot include anyone else. That should include anyone else in video (for instance). (If you need the rationale for that, ask.) So we are not free to do anything we want. And the Bible says more about it. Paul's statement is "Not all things are profitable." We ought to ask if it's profitable. Paul's statement is "I will not be mastered by anything." We ought to ask, "Will it 'enslave' us in some way?" There are things that can go on "in the bedroom" that are not profitable in any way and that could enslave you. Avoid them. Indeed, the question should not be "What can we do?", but "Why should we do that?" Profitable, you see?

The other passage carries a little more insight that I believe is seriously lost today in the Christian bedroom. Paul states, "The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does." What does that mean? Well, as we all know, men are pigs. They want their own satisfaction and they expect their wives to give it to them. (I'm overgeneralizing; don't miss the point.) Husbands, your body is not your own. Your purpose in the bedroom is to please your wife with your body, not acquire your own pleasure. That is a mistake. And we're all aware of that to an extent. But notice that Paul didn't start there. "The wife does not have authority over her own body." This is a biblical mandate for wives to use their bodies in ways to bring pleasure to their husbands. So while it is wrong for Christian husbands to approach the bedroom expecting pleasure from their wives, it is wrong for wives to withhold it from their husbands.

So, let's see where we are. God forbids sex outside of marriage. Of course, we all knew that, didn't we? I mean, sure, society finds it acceptable, even recommended, but Scripture says something different. On the other hand, God celebrates sex inside of marriage. It is a gift of God, even commanded. Each is required to give himself or herself to the pleasure of his or her spouse. And, really, when you think about it, isn't that really the best way? See? The Bible isn't as much of a killjoy as you might have thought.